Wednesday, December 31, 2008

How time flies!

I know.. I havent blogged for such a long time.

I was so busy with work that I didnt realise that its end of 2008 and a new year is approaching.

How time flies so fast!

I have so much to be thankful for this year. Even though there were quite a number of bumpy roads, but its nothing that I cant handle and comparatively to other years, the hell I went through...this year was a piece of cake.

I am thankful for:

1) Reduction from my pile of debts
2) Steady career with bright future
3) Good health
and last but not least...
4) My 'rock' & soul mate - still going strong and loving it!

I can foresee a bright future, (God willing!) and I wish nothing but success for everyone of my family and best friends!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Heaven AND Hell


Im at a stage in my life, when all is well.

I have great career with strong possibilty of a very good financial stability. On top of that, working with great bosses with a great products and cause.

I can see the chain reaction and it looks good. Able to pay off old debts, take care of parents and of course myself. I am able to enjoy more things in life; food, clothes and etc.

I can even see a clear picture of us having a nice comfortable house and a nice car. I can foresee we get to travel together often and go shopping!

For that, I am extremely grateful. Alhamdulillah..


I see HIM less than a week in a month!

I miss his smiles: cheeky, horny, mischevious and most of all warm loving smile that makes you feel like you're the most beautiful woman on earth!

I miss the way he look at me, as if he can see straight to my soul.

I miss him singing to me romantic love songs

I miss him making stupid lame jokes just to cheer me up

I miss his voice - sexy, gruffy at times but most important - soothing.

I miss his touches

I miss his romantic gestures

I miss him hugging me till I fall asleep

I miss him wiping my tears away and comforting me when I am down

I miss him listening to my rantings

I miss listening to him excitedly telling me of his day

I miss debating with him

I miss his craziness and swearing

I miss us bitching and 'kutuk-ing' people

I miss playing with his warm soft fingers

I miss his unique, hipnotising scent

I miss him spoiling me

I miss touching him

I miss the feeling I get when his skin is against mine

I miss touching his face and gazing into his eyes that is so full of love for me

I miss him saying I am 'comel'

I miss his laughter

I miss sleeping with him beside me

I miss being woken up by him, with his soft voice, coaxing me

I miss how you make me feel complete - perfect

I miss my soul.


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Confessions and Pledges

"If I never feel you in my arms again,
if I never feel your tender kiss again,
if I never hear "I love you" now and then,
will I never make love to you once again?
Please understand, if love ends,
then I promise you, I promise you that,
that I shall never breathe again.
Breathe again, breathe again,
that I shall never breathe again.
And I can't stop thinking about,
about the way things used to be,
and I can't stop thinking about,
about the love that you made to me.
And I can't get you out of my head;
how in the world will I begin
to let you walk right out of my life
and throw my heart away?
And I can't stop caring about,
about the apple of my eye,
and I can't stop doing without,
without the center of my life.
And I can't get you out of my head,
and I know I can't pretend
that I won't die if you decide
you won't see me again.
And I can't stop thinking about,
about the way my life would be.
No, I can't stop thinking about,
how could you love me then leave?
And I can't get you out of my mind,
God knows how hard I've tried,
and if you walk right out my life,
God knows I'm sure to die.
And I can't stop doing without,
without the rhythm of my heart.
No, I can't stop doing without,
for I will surely fall apart.
And I can't get you out of my mind,
and I know I can't deny,
and I would die if you decide
you won't see me again"
(Toni Braxton - "Breathe again")

"I'm not your Superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everything's okay
Boy, I am only human
This girl needs more than occasional hugs
As a token of love from you to me.
I'll always be there for you
Through good and bad times
But I can't be that Superwoman that you want me to be
I'll give my love, oh lasting love

I'm the kind of girl that can treat you so sweet
But you've got to realize that you've got to be sweeter to me, yeah
I need love
I need just your love"
(Karen White - "Superwoman")

"Share my life,
Take me for what I am.
'Cause I'll never change
All my colors for you.
Take my love,
I'll never ask for too much,
Just all that you are
And everything that you do.
I don't really need to look
Very much further/farther,
I don't wanna have to go
Where you don't follow.
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside.
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.
(Your love I'll remember forever.)
Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore.
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there.
Don't walk away from me.
(No, don't walk awya from me. Don't you dare walk away from me.)
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don't have you, you (you, you, you./If I don't have you, oh, oo.)
You see through,
Right to the heart of me.
You break down my walls
With the strength of your love.
I never knew
Love like I've known it with you.
Will a memory survive,
One I can hold on to?"
(Whitney Houston - I Have Nothing")


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

8 days = ETERNITY

"I pretended that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closin' more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
Now I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down
I can see it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about
The love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
Now I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside, and nobody knows it but me
I lie awake, its a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night
As if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart
A billion words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still"

("Nobody Knows" - Toni Rich Project)


Friday, November 7, 2008

Strolling Down Memory Lane

I had a great time tonight!

I never knew how much I miss them untill I hung out with them. Oh, you guys crack me up!

I will always treasure your friendship, because good friends are hard to find.

I do hope we stay friends for a very long time.

Dedicate to: YY, Mei Lyn & Yoga. Not forgetting Karen...who cant join us tonight.

Love you guys!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Strong Beginings, Promising Near Future.

Unexpected responses.

Overwhelming reactions.

Highly motivated.

These phrases best describes the situation we get from leaders.

Its great, yet bloody scary at the same time! All of this happened in such a short time. And knowing these leaders, they will move fast and strong. There are demands not only from east Malaysia, but international as well.

Will we get to fully support them?

This is a fuckin good headache!

This must be addressed fast, without compromising quality and standards. But I know, with this dynamic team, we will be able to rise to the occasion.

Especially with the Formidable Four! No other top management of a company do what they do. And for that, I am damn proud to be in this company. And I am damn confident with the powerful combination of the 'Masters' (top management) plus professional and efficient 'Soldiers' (support staff), we will be feared and respected by others.

I can foresee a hectic yet very fruitful future, very near future.

May God always bless and protect us towards our path to success!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Boogie Time!!!

I am soooooo in need to go clubbing!

Diane gave me the link to Euphoria, Ministry of Sound at Sunway, and I am hooked! You bitch, Diane!

I dont care about geting hi, I just want to dance my heart out! Release what ever pent up emotion I have in me, especially for the last few days!

Cant wait to boogie my butt out!

Got to wait for my fucken salary to fucken hell clear!!

Clubbbin' time baby!!

Kaulah Segalanya Untuk Ku

Mungkin Hanya Tuhan
Yang Tahu Segalanya
Apa Yang Ku Inginkan
Di Saat-saat Ini

Kau Takkan Percaya
Kau Slalu di Hati
Haruskah Ku Menangis
Untuk Mengatakan

Kaulah Segalanya Untuk Ku
Kaulah Curahan Hati Ini
Tak Mungkin Ku Melupakan Mu
Tiada Lagi Yang Ku Harap
Hanya Kau Seorang

by Ruth Sahanaya

With All My Heart,
This is for you, Yayang.


How can I explain it?

I am so fucken happy for him.. He is finally truly happy at work.. He is bloody good at what he does.. And he is being recognised and paid well for it.

How can I tell him.. I am so fucken screwed up torn up inside!

I love that all is working well for him, but I hate the fact that its taking him away from me. Now is still not too bad. Its getting worse but its gonna be worse once he goes international.

Too make it worse, its not his fault. He is so sweet. Even when I don't tell him, he knows i don't like it each time he goes out station. But he never said anything and he tries his best to compensate for the lack of time, so he thinks.

He doesn't seem to understand that that's not the issue. No matter how much 'quality' time he spends with me, when his not beside me, he is just simply not there. I am not sure if that made sense to anyone else, but it does to me.

I keep saying that I am a fucken selfish bitch! Many say no, its normal. But how can this extreme pain be normal??

I keep telling him, don't worry I'll toughen up, I'll work it out, I'll get over it.

Will i ever?

But I don't wanna get use to the idea that he's not around.. I have seen too many marriages fail due to a spouse got use to their significant other's absence.

I broke down last night.

I hate this feeling of deep hollow in my soul.


I don't wanna loose him.

He is my best friend.

Oh God! Help me get through this.

Al - Fatehah (for me!)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Whole again

28th September, 7th, 8th & 9th October.

The begining of something absolutely wonderful! (well, I can hope!)

I am extremely happy to see Rizal so fuckin happy! I know that is something I can never give or compete with, not that I am. But I would do anything to see him like this, always.

I know he is sooo controlling himself not to shed a tear when he first saw you girls, like Nadia did, but I can feel it. I was holding back tears as well. Tears of

I am so happy that you girls didnt forget you Daddy. Because he never ever did. Even though years pass, theres never a moment that both of you are not in his mind and heart. You are his pulse, he would do anything to be with you, protect you.

It pains him that day when he has to let you girls go. Even though he doesnt say or show it, I know him well.

But I can see him smile, with strong hope that he will see both of you again.

Thank you for giving your Daddy this happiness.

I Love You Girls, so much!!

Bittersweet Time

5 years.
Its been five years around this time of the year that I have lost you. But it seems like only yesterday.
I wish you were here.
This year everyone was around. The whole family. You'd be so happy. Your cucu is all grown up. They are beautiful and intelligent. You'd be so proud.
I wish you were here.
I am finally in a somewhat comfortable zone, financially . I am working in a good company and so far, I like it. I am fully recognised for what I did and what I can do. Rizal is finally in a position that he likes, and getting the salary that he deserves. And this is just the beginning, Insya Allah.. He's patience and all the hardship that he went through before, is finally paid off. Alhamdulillah..
I wish you were here.
But just when I thought things are finally doing fine... I think you know what, or who I am talking about. I dont know what happened to her. Its like she is a totally different person. She's like a stranger to me. But seriously, I dont care how she treat or feel about me, but mummy... Oh, God. I cant even say it. I just hope she'd come to her senses soon, before its too late.
I really wish you were here.
I know no matter how many times I keep wishing for that, it'll never come true. But I am somewhat comforted because I know you are in a better place, happy and still watching over me.
But still, I really wish you were here.
I Miss You So Much!
Al-Fatehah.... Amin.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

No more please....

Oh dear, God! Not again!

I am so sorry, my dear. I would have to decline.

I dont like the questions. Its just freakingly weird and sick. Even for me.

And anyway, I am too lazy to do it.


Life after the storm....

I know, I know... I haven't blogged for quite some time now. But I have been bloody busy nowadays. I finally have some quiet time now to blog about what happen since my last emotional blog.

Since my 'walk out and fuck off', I realised my value in the working field. I was jobless for an hour, and I already have great offers. I was speechless and honored. I weighed and thought long and hard and finally decided to join Nanang International - MLM company, marketing herbal health products. I am very happy to be back in this industry. I love to help people. And I love the feeling when someone come hugging and crying happy tears to you and thanking you for helping them to make their health and financial life much better. You have to experience it first hand in order to know how it feels, because I cant seem to find the right words to describe it. Thank you so much H, for accepting me in this 'family'. I shall do my best to ensure that this beautiful gift is available for everyone in this entire world - to great health and wealth!!

Since I only start my new job after Raya, I get to spend some quality time with Mummy. That was priceless. I went Raya grocery shopping with her. We had long talks, shared our thoughts and feelings. I thank you mum, for all your prayers and words of wisdom. I love you very much and will always be there for you, Insya Allah.

Icing on top of a great cake was spending time with the girls, Nadia and Jazmeen. They have grown so much! Nadia is slightly taller than me and so matured and insightful for such a young girl. Meen is her usual hyper-active, big eater ironically small girl self. They are so beautiful, smart and articulate. It was so cool to hear that Aussie accent on them. I know they shall grow up to be successful in whatever they set their minds to. We were so much like a family and so comfortable with each other, its as if 2 years did not separate us. Thank God! I love and miss them so much. Hope to see them again, soon.

I am extremely grateful and thankful to You , for blessing us with Your Love. I pray for You to continue to bless and protect us, til eternity. Insya Allah.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

After 4 bloody months!!

Does it take that long to type a 4 to 5 pages long of simple employment contract?

Does it take dozens of people to come up with a simple contract to validate and give sense of security and purpose to their staff?

Why do people wait till a drastic measure is taken to act?

I hate what I had to do today! But I now realise if this day didnt happen, I would just be continuously been taken for granted. I poured my heart and soul into it and all I asked is a simple contract to ensure my future. To those bigshots up there in the high level management, they may think this a trivial matter. But this is my livelyhood we'r talking about here. If you dont know how to respect that, how do you expect for others to respect and stay loyal to you? Leadership by example.

I dont even mind that they underpay and gave me a not deserving job title, but the least they can do is fulfill my basic necessity. I am quite a patient person. I joined with a huge risk when my contract was not given to me. I am so sorry but at this day and age, I cant afford to take someone's word because I have been screwed over so many times before that it made me as cold as ice.

Please do not take things personally, but you called me being unprofessional for leaving just like that?? What about your sense of responsibility as en employer (on top of that CEO!), and 'professionalism' to give me a god damn contract! I am not some illegal immigrant that came here by a bloody sampan! I am a professional with a lot of working experience and I am damn good at everything you give me! Just when i open my heart and love what I do, what do I get? Disappointments!

Well, what can I say? Its your lost, not mine. I already have an offer. And its a bloody good one.

So, eat your heart out!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Faded Freinds

I know a lot people can relate when I say that there are these unfortunate type of friends that fade away if they are not sincere and serious in building that special bond with you from that very first handshake.

These 'Faded Friends' are the ones that when they first met you, were so friendly and likes almost everything you like that its just plain creepy! The intensity is high but in a very short time. Like fireworks, when it stops, there's nothing there but an empty black sky.

I have been through my share of this lot. They say they are your friend, and will never forget you or nothing will ever change your friendship with them. Yeah, right! The hypocrites!

Its so exasperating when people say things they don't mean. And due to that, will give false hopes to those who actually like them. Damn! Now that's a big mistake!

And on top of that, they give really lame and stupid excuses! As if we were born an hour ago! If you don't want to be my friend anymore, just tell me to my face. We're all adults and should act like one.

One very good example of weak excuses, is always saying they are busy. Where in fact, they just don't want to hang around with you anymore and more time with their 'boyfriend'. But when their precious boyfriend cheats or dumps them, then all of a sudden they have time for you. Time for you to hear their sob stories and use your shoulder to cry on. Look, don't get me wrong, I don't mind that. Its just that these FF (faded friends) is just using me as an outlet. And the fool that I am, I always give in. I don't have the heart to reject them at their time of need. But the sick part is, when they have found a new love interest, you're back on that dark, dusty shelf.

So, I have learned to just not get them under my skin so much. I have learned to not care so much. Thanks to my dear hubby.

But I feel sad whenever I remember these 'Faded Friends'. They have become very dear to me. Oh, well. Life goes on. And I know its more of a loss for them than it is for me.

Note to FF: You know who you are. To quote Rachel from Friends (ironically!), 'I AM OVER YOU.." (my closure la!)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

31 years

5Th September 1977.. 31 years ago, I was born.

I was an accidental pregnancy. My mum doesn't even know she was carrying me. She ate a lot of things that she's not suppose to, like pineapple, and ate tonnes of it! And on top of that she asked my cousin, who was extremely big at that time, to step on her back because she have a terrible back ache. She only knew she was pregnant after a couple of months. Miraculously, I am still strongly in tact in her womb. My mum keep saying, even then, I am already very stubborn.

I have been through quite a lot of things. Good, bad, funny and even weird stuff and not to mention the colourful people I've met. And I am proud to say, the combination of all those incidents have made me what I am today. I would not change anything, even situations that hurt me. For me, there's always a reason and a blessing for everything.

This year my birthday was pretty relaxed. Not that I mind, but it was different. I find it quite calming. After all, I am 31 years old already. I cant expect to celebrate it like I am some teenager. Well, I could if I want to, but this is quite nice too. Maybe because this year my birthday falls on fasting month have a lot to do with it. But I kinda like the fact that its on fasting month. Weird huh?

Rizal's gift was different this year. He gave me six empty 4R silver frames. I smiled when I saw it and hugged him tightly. Maybe you guys don't understand but you see, we bought a digital camera last week. And he knows I love to take pictures. Therefore, instead of giving the usual accessories (not that I don't love them!), he gave me the creativity freedom of taking our photos. He always surprises me when it comes to presents for me! Thank you, my love. I love it!

This year I was surprised to see quite a lot of people actually remembered my birthday. I received a lot of sms and I thank you all. It was a very pleasant surprise.

The night of my birthday, we gave mummy a surprise by going back and brought back lots of yummy food to eat. She was so happy and so was I and we ate so much! We talked till late at night and had lots of fun. We even had sahur together after such a long time. While having sahur, I noticed Rizal's version of sahur is drinking lots of water and smoking, which is so similar to Papa. God! I miss him so much! My heart aches! But I didn't show it in front of anyone, especially mummy. She is already very sensitive at this time of the year. But I wish he was here. So that he can finally be proud of me.

Its been 5 years already. I thought that with as years pass by, it wouldn't be so heart wrenching anymore. But, I was wrong. Its still lingering in my heart. Especially now, that I am finally doing well. Its doubly hard for me to get over the fact that Papa is no longer with me. I always expect him to be with his bonsais, trimming them. It doesn't help that he is a quiet person, so its like his still around , just not saying anything much. I miss you so much, Papa. I wish you are here to share my happiness. I hope that you are proud of me. Love you Papa!

What a birthday has it turn out to be. Its definitely different and soothing. Hey, maybe this is a sign I am no longer the crazy bitchy woman that I was before. Maybe I am finally growing up. Hmm.... NAH! I am still ever so crazy and even more bitchy! And I am damn proud of it!! So, look out people, Yana is here to stay! (whether you like it or not!)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Game of Tag anyone?

It seems there is a game of tag going around that I didnt know of. And I was tagged by 2 people. Now I dont know if that is a good sign or not because in this altered version of cyber tag game, the person that's been tagged has to:

a) State 15 weird things/habits or little known facts about yourself.
b) Tag 10 people to do it
c) No tag backs

So, here I go.

15 Weird things / habits about me that other people may or may not know...

1) I do not like my food to.. 'touch' each other. You know, like when you tapau nasi campur, and the food are piled on top of the rice... Ya, I dont like that. If it happens, I will take my time to separate them before I start eating.

2) I am an extreme fan of Freinds. I know all there is to know about them.

3) I love to play with other people's fingers. Its an addiction, especially when I wanna fall asleep.

4) I am extremely verbally abusive when I'm driving (bordering on a bully!)

5) I love beautiful, hot and sexy people - men and women. (especially women!)

6) I am voyeuristic - Its such a BIG turn on!

7) I do not like to see a quiet person in a group. I will talk to them till their break!

8) I do not like insects!! They're small and can go anywhere, and I mean ANYWHERE!

9) I am very organised at the office but a total mess at home!

10) I have no patience for stupid people.

11) I am always horny!

12) I am not a morning person.

13) People always think I am so baik and funny but I can be very mean - verbally or physically.

14) I can size up a person in less than hour. And I am usually 90% right.

15) I can sense things are not right or something bad is about to happen. And sometimes, I have premonitions.

Well, thats all.

Now, the next victims are:
Diane, Alyssa, Q, Dinesh, Haiza, Ghani, Reena, Mei Lyn, Joey and Aidan.

At last I'm done!!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

New Comrades....

I have new comrades...

They are certainly colorful and therefore entertaining.

First of the lot is Yeong Yin (standing, on the left). She is quite a character. She is a handful to handle for the common people. She looks and acts tough, but I can read right through her. Inside she is a good and caring person. She maybe a little rough but she means no harm. People have to learn to see pass that, and give time for her to warm up to you. YY, I thank you for your patience in teaching me the ropes in Market Research and I hope you would continue doing so. Love our lil 'fights' and looking forward for more!

Next is the youngest chick in this crazy bunch..Reena (sitting beside me). This very young lady is nice, warm and a good friend to have. She maybe a little naive and emotional, but what girl her age isnt. My advise to you my dear young friend, in life you cant takes things too personally. If not, you cant survive in this big mean cynical world. I thought I had more time to see you 'grow', but since you are leaving, I wish you all the best things in this world. I am always here for you, both career wise and personally. Take care and keep in touch.

Last but certainly not least, my partner in crimes (well, in the office laa!), Mei Lyn (standing behind me). You are the most colorful in our gang. You represent all colors that I know of. You are extremely nice, accomodating, patient and yet still able to be crazy and 'layan' my vulgar bitchy self! You are the only one in the office that can relate to my personality. I am sooo glad you join us. Here's to lots of years more to come! Let's hit the world and show those morons that under estimate us, what we are made of and flip them the finger, proudly!

Thanks guys... See you in the office!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

What a shame...

What is it with kids nowadays?

They want so much to be adult far too fast. Why cant they just enjoy their youth while they still can? Dont they know, life is too short? Before you know it, you're 40, at home, reminiscing your younger days and wishing you had enjoyed life better.

I am blessed that I dont have that problem. But I do know a lot of people who are like that, regreted that they took their younger days way too seriously.

I know we dont get to choose who and what effects our life and we cant control the some of the problems in our life. But I do know from experience is that you do have control of how you live your life and how you handle the hurdles that come your way. In fact if you are matured and calm enough, no problems are problems. They are just things to test your endurance and outlook of life. And also just another color to add to your life and making your personality and character much more interesting.

Can you imagine life going so absolutely smoothly that you dont experience any pain or hardship? That would be one hell of a boring life!

I have made mistakes in my life and I also was bombarded with shitty things. But I wouldnt trade all those shitty things for anything in the world! Because if not for all those things, I wouldnt be this strong bitch that is extremely happy with life now.

Even after I lost my beloved dad, I know things happen for a reason. And life have a strange way of getting better especially after a really bad ordeal. Its just whether you choose to see it or not.

What makes me sick is that people always blame God for their horrible incidents in life and sit on their ass and wait for God to solve it! If life is that easy, the word success means nothing.

In short, you always have choices. And life is not as shitty as you think. It would only be miserable and shitty if you choose to think that way.

So, take a deep breath and smile. And trust me, life would not be so gloomy.

Remember, there are always others who are worse off than you. So, count your blessings and stop whining and bitching.

Live life to the full!

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Aloha Life!

As I light a cigarrete, I was thinking of what to write.

It has been so long and so many things happened; good and bad, work and personal.

Now, where do I start?

I am happy.

Truly happy.

Work: Busy!! But happy!
I am at my element at work. I love what I do and quite damn good at it. And on top of that, my work is recognized and appreciated. What more can I ask for? I can actually see myself excel in this line. I finally found what I am truly good at and love doing it! And trust me, thats very rare for me. Yey for me!

Personal: All is coming together, slowly but beautifully.
Rizal finally got a job that he loves and able to see himself in a career that he can specialise in. He is finally recognized for what he is. At last! And most importantly, he is happy. Its been awhile since I see that sparkle in his eyes. Well done, my love!

And on top of that, we are no longer just scraping by, month by month.

We finally get to do something that we both love but unable to do for a few years... Shopping!

We didnt go crazy, still in a tight budget but still, its great to finally have the money to buy the basics, what others take for granted, like pants and shirts. Almost every piece of clothing we have are so worn, I was a bit embarressed at my first day at work, but its ok. I just toughen up and move on.

Now, my wardrobe reflects my true taste and style.

It goes the same for Rizal. Bought him new shirts, pants and ties. After all, he is HOD now, he should look like one.

So, in short, things are going pretty well for me. Alhamdullilah.

I just wish Dad was here. He would be so proud of the two us. But in a way, I have this feeling that he knows whats happening and proud of us.

Alhamdullilah... May God bless and protect us, always.


Thursday, June 26, 2008

My Baby gone...

My heart dropped and broke into a gezillion pieces as soon as I realised my 'baby' has left me. There goes my usual hellos and nite nites, or me scolding it for being 'naughty'..

I'd never thought the pain would be this bad. I'd never thought my lil baby had that much of influence in my life, til its gone.

I miss seeing it playing around with its 'sibling'. Taunting it, teasing it.. till there's a mini flood on the floor! I miss screaming at them for causing me to get up from my comfortable position on the couch to go mop the floor.

But now I know you are in a better place. And thats the only thing thats comforting me now.

Your presence will definitely be missed, my beloved baby.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Thorn in my bed of roses...

Its been awhile since I blogged..

A lot happened and happened fast. Mostly good, especially, me finally nailing a good job. Things are finally looking great for me. I can finally breathe easily and smile as I foresee my future.

Just as I was about to enjoy this new outcome in my life, I was hit with a 'road block'.

My 'poison' has returned. I thought it was behind me. I thought I have finally rid of it. But unfortunately, I was mistaken.

I guess it is my fault as well, for not taking better care of myself. Well, I could not afford to in the past. But now I can. And I shall. I will not make this 'poison' effect my good life now.

In fact, I will identify it and kill it. I will overcome this. For I want a healthy and happy life.

Please God, I beg of you to hear my plea and help me. Give me strength to go through this. You are my last resort, where I can pour my heart out and The One that I know that can truly help me.

I am forever grateful for what You have given me. Alhamdulillah...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Thank God Almighty!


I am extremely happy and thankful as I got something that I have been eyeing for quite awhile.

In fact, it was more than I expected. I sometimes forgotten how much I am worth. It has been awhile since I contribute my two cents and I am glad that it is still valueble.

I do hope and pray that this would be The One. Of course I would do my part by giving my best and try not to screw it up.

I would also like to thank my other half for his patience and tolerance through out the two and a half years of ups and downs. Without him I would have given up an settle for whatever that comes my way. He is a God sent!

Not forgetting of course my mother that constantly prays only the best for me. I am sure this is partly because of her persistant prayers for my well being. Thank you, mom. There is no amount of wealth that could ever be even in the same ficinity as your love for me. I love you.

And last but not least, my one and only Creator. I am humbled by your generousity and will always be your loyal and grateful servant.

La Ila Ha Illallah, Muhamadur Rasullullah...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Lucky Biatch..

I've got a headache.

A good headache.

I have a got two great offers.

And I have to choose one.

I am not good at deciding between great choices. Usually, I will always find a way to get both. But this time, I can't do that.

I am so torn I get gastric attacks and I can't sleep well at night.

Each offer has its pros and cons.

The first is a new found passion of mine and I'm totally comfortable with the environment. Now just waiting for the come back to my offer. Which if it is agreeable, would be totally cool and would solve my dilemma once and for all!

The other has a totally out of this world benefits and that would be great in the long run, financially. Therefore, I am not cutting it off till I know for sure the first one is no longer on the table.

Now is the sucky part. Waiting.

And guess what? I am not good in that as well!

My 'rock' also feels my pain, even though he finds my flustered disposition amusing. And offer no help by saying 'its up to me'..

I do hope to get this turmoil of mine over and done with it, soon. Before I die of over thinking!

Please God! You know what I really want and preffer. So please open that path for me!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Miss you.....

Its been 5 years since you left us.

Wow! How fast time flies! But there's never a day you're not in my thoughts.

Every decision, opinion and action, will automatically prompt me the question.... would he have approve of it? What would he say or think? Is he proud of me? These questions will always be in my mind. Its not that I cant let him go. Its just that I wish he would be able to see how I am now, happy and proud to be who I am, and take pride in it because he have a lot of influence of how I live my life.

I know a lot of people say they understand how I feel, but unless they have lost their loved one, they wouldn't fully understand. And I do not wish it for anybody, even my worst enemies.

The feeling that he couldn't be there to share the joy and pride of my first property or get to see his future grandchildren, is heart wrenching.The feeling you get when you know you cant run to him for advice or to just cry on his shoulder and him telling you everything's going to be alright is simply heart breaking. That sense of security that is there since the day you were born is suddenly taken from you, is very hard to replace. Even though I am lucky enough to have another form of it from my beloved husband but its still not the same and thank God he understands.

I sometimes envy my sister because she get to share her adult life with him. She was able to put a big smile on his face even a laugh or two by giving him what money cant buy, his most cherished grandchildren. What did i offer him? I sometimes ask myself that, over and over again. I feel like I didn't do enough to make him proud to call me his daughter. I wish I had more time with him.

I miss his words of wisdom, his quirky jokes and he's very presence in my everyday life. He may be quiet, but you know he is there for you and will do anything to protect you.

He is much respected by his peers, family, relatives and even high dignitaries. He is an intellect with a heart of gold. He often share others' grievances and tries his best to help. He always puts others first before himself. Now I wish he had taken better care of himself so that he could be with me now.

Each time I get these feelings, I comforted myself by repeatedly telling myself he is in a much better place where he wouldn't be in pain anymore. And I know, somehow, he is watching. And I do hope he is smiling looking down at me.
I am very proud to have him as my father and proud to be his daughter.

My love and prayers will always be for you, Papa.

I miss you so much..


Monday, April 21, 2008

No news means good news....?

Wow! It's been awhile since I pen down my thoughts. Kinda missed it. Weird huh? Its not like I'm writing to anyone. But there's something about bearing your soul like this... Its addictive! And now I'm craving for a fix!

Well, a lot has happen since my last blog. Good... bad... err, weird... but I guess that's what makes one's life colorful. So, let me see if I can try to summarise it.

Lets start with the bad one. I'm doing this freelance work thingy and I kinda love it! It highlights my personality, strengths and weaknesses. But with this current project, it seem s to not only highlight my weaknesses and impatience but also highlighted in fluorescent yellow, capital letters, bold it in red and font size 74!! In short, I hate it! But don't get me wrong, I love the industry, just not crazy about this current ... (thinking of bad words!) ..task. Its still not done yet, so gotta just hang in there I guess.

Anyways, moving on...

Weird stuff.... It was an extremely hot day. That was already making me uncomfortable. And then I found out I am to attend my cousin's engagement. The fact that I have to get all dressed up and leave the comforts of home is enough to drive any normal person mental. So, I'm sure you don't blame me (the short fused woman), for my rather lukewarm reaction to the joyous occasion. I was the only cousin there as they wanna make this a simple affair. Hey, fine by me. I was there to drive my mum there. When we reach there, we were rather early. So, we have to wait outside for a good 15 minutes, under the hot sun. I bit my tongue and gather all my strength to put up a diplomatic smile. Then we, finally went in. Then we, had to wait for another 45minutes to be attended to by the host. Fine, relax... deep breaths. When the ceremony finally happened, my tummy was having a rock concert due to me rushing back (as I was told of this ceremony last minute!), I didn't eat anything since morning. But all the while the formal Malay exchange of poems and innuendos of 'sales transaction', I had a strange feeling I was ... hm... how do I describe it... 'checked out' by my cousin's future brother in law who is married with like a dozen kids, I think. But that's not the strange part because I am used to people checking me out, in a good or bad way. What made this man's attention weird is that he is the extremely pious type, with the turban and long beard with the 'guru' picture hanging on the wall that looks so much like Bin Laden's long lost brother! And lets not forget the wife - the ideal role model of what a true Muslim woman is suppose to be. But no, here is the husband looking at a woman that is totally opposite from that. I even forgot to bring my tudung as required by all Malay women in such occasions. He was not just looking, but more like 'stripping me naked and frolicking with him' look. He gave me a very cold chill down my back! Go figure!

Now the best part, the good. I get to hang out with my best buddies last weekend. We didn't do anything fancy. Just hang out at my place, by the pool and laughing our heads off! That makes up for all the bad and weird shit that happened! I love you guys!

I always pray and thank God for making my life so colourful! Alhamdulillah... Keep 'em coming, Big Guy!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I'm in love.........

God, help me! I'm desperately in love!

I want it! I cant live without it!

I want my very own ......... Bengal Cat!!!!!

Its all my hubby's fault! He's the one that introduce me to this beautiful cat.

Now I dont want any other.

I always get what I want.
And I shall.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

" Malay Boleh! "

I am Malay.

I am proud to be Malay.

I am intelligent, independent, confident and hardworking Malay.

In my working experience of more than 10 years, I have accomplished things almost 95% on my own. I did not use my 'privileges' to get what I want. I use the old fashion way - earning it myself.

Do you know why I don't use those special 'hand outs'? Because I perceive it as an insult not only to my intelligence and integrity, but also to the very principles that my parents have planted in me for so long.

I have observed how our friends of other races have excelled in whatever field they put their mind into. And all without any special treatments. I take it as a personal challenge for me to succeed on my own accord. So that I am able to take full credit for my achievements!

I may not be one of the most successful Malays. But I am proud of who and what I am now and continue to strive for higher goals. I do not want to settle like most of my kind would and stay under a rock with a dead end job for the next 25 years!

In my opinion, there are two types of Malays. The first is the Malay: highly educated professionals that have good strong principles, open minded and high level of self confidence and always wants the best. And they do it all on their own merit. They blend well with everyone and are respectful of other races, religions, cultures and opinions. They also often use simple common sense, which is uncommonly used by others.

The other type is the Melayu: they are also educated, some are in the professional line and they too always want the best. The only difference is how they achieve it all. They rely on 'special privileges', short cuts, never own up for any wrong doings and always blame others for it. They are extremely narrow minded and narcissist. They are usually in the 'herd mentality' more than a leader.

Anyone can change. No matter how old or young you are. Its just a matter if you want to stay in a rut or take a risk and be an outstanding individual.

I know I have rattled some cages by writing about this. But I am sick and tired of the Melayus speaking and deciding on my behalf about getting rid of Malay rights. I think its is long overdue!

I am very confident that Malays now are more independent and intelligent to succeed on their own. And I am outraged that some Melayus think that we still need it!

No more special privileges and treatments!

No more special hand outs or spoon feedings!

Just say NO!

Malay Boleh!

Friday, March 14, 2008

" Confessions of A Short Fused Woman"

Short fused.

What is it, really?

Is it a temperament due to lack of self restraint or a disease that is difficult to control?

I would really love to get an answer to that question. Because, (standing up and looking around the crowd..) I am a short fused woman. (Like in an anonymous meeting! heheh!)

Well, they say that's the first step. Acknowledging that it is a problem.

But the million ringgit question here is, how the hell to control it??

I have been suffering with this 'ailment' since the day I understand whats right and wrong. So, needless to say, a very long time.

My mother said its in my genes. Wow! Isn't great to be able to blame my ancestors for my undesired trait. If only that is totally true. That would make my life much, much easier. My mother also told me to calm myself down whenever I am pissed off about something or at someone. But hey, it is a lot easier said than done. Some people recommend to take a deep breath and count to ten, slowly. Been there, done that. That approach can buy my 'victim' some time to get away from me. But this is assuming that he/she is smart enough to do that. If they're not, which is usually the case, it does not help one bit.

I tried thinking about good and soothing stuff like, sitting by a beautiful white sandy beach with a nice breeze playing with my hair and birds flying freely in the bright blue sky..... I got to admit, that sometimes does work. But unfortunately for my 'victim', they tend to think that I am afraid to confront them and take advantage of the situation by trying to outsmart me, verbally. Big, big mistake. All that serenity just came crumbling down and the flaming bad tempered ogre emerges and all is lost.

Sometimes my 'victims' are truly victims. That means they are innocent, they do not mean to irritate me or to antagonise me. But somehow they still do. By just being there or its just as simple as me not liking how they look. In that case, I would really try to control the beast in me because its simply not their fault.

Today, I 'ran over' the person I loved the most. I was tired and irritable. He was just being nice to me and trying to coax me to do something that I am not so comfortable with. At normal times, I would just whine and make him do it for me. And usually it works. But today, I was Short Fused. As usual, at first he would try to remain calm and try to encourage me by giving positive comments. I as usual when in that short fused moment, will not notice this until its too late. But its not entirely my fault. Its 95% mine and 5% his fault. He knows me pretty well. Therefore, he would know I am in no mood to indulge in his little effort to educate me and just drop the subject. But he persist on. And when he got pissed off, then I realise the communication breakdown. By then he would 'man sulk' and remain cold for quite awhile. This has been going on for the past six years that we know each other, And I have a strange feeling it will continue until the day we die. God willing. But I think that's what makes our relationship so bloody unique. Weird but true. I love you, yayang. Thanx for putting up with my insufferable self.

I guess I will pursue in finding the right method to defuse my short temperament. To ensure I am able to socialise and not offend anyone. Wish me luck!

"Kau Yang Satu..."

Kau Yang Satu
by Ramli Sarip

Kaulah Yang Maha Esa
Kaulah Yang Maha Pengasih
Kaulah Yang Maha Penyayang
Tiada hidup tanpaMu

Kaulah Yang Maha Agung
Kaulah Yang Maha Mengetahui
Tuhan dunia akhirat
Tiada aku tanpaMu

Bilaku rasa pilu
Bilaku rasa resah
Bilaku kekosongan
Kau tempatku mengadu
Oh Tuhan yang satu
Engkaulah Tuhan yang satu

Segala puji-pujian
Ku tujukan padaMu… padaMu
Dan hidup dan matiku
Hanyalah untukMu… untukMu

Thursday, March 13, 2008

"Get out of my way... Foul is an under statement to describe my mood today!"

I rarely say this, but I hate myself.

I hate myself when I am in this indescribable temperament. I hate it because there is always innocent people that will be my victims. And usually people I love.

I am trying my best to control this raging demon inside of me that wants to skin a human being alive by just giving me a look that I disapprove.

But the strange thing is that this frightening cold mood of mine do not come often. But when it does, Hell will pale in comparison.

When I woke up this morning, I was in an odd mood. But I can sense that today is not going to sail smoothly.

I thought by ignoring it and sleep would somehow make it go away or subdued it. But alas, it was wishful thinking. All I can do now is keep this evil on a leash and hope to God that no one crosses my path.

I cry myself to sleep each time I survived a day with this horrendous emotion. I do not want to alarm my partner because I know he would want to help me get through it. But how can he when he do not understand what I am going through? And how do i make him understand about something that I cant explain myself? Something that I suffered almost all my life and yet still could not fully comprehend? My biggest fear is that if he were to see this side of me, if anyone does, I would loose him and everyone that I love. That is why I have always put up this front of a bubbly and happy girl. I am that most of the time but those times when this evil side appears... I am afraid.

There were times that I get fuming mad, I don't remember what I have said, done or what caused it. And I notice I tend to blackout or block it out of my memory because it is too painful and I am never proud of the end result. I have never loathe myself more when I am in this living Hell. My hand will tremble with the force of keeping this dark force at bay.

But I am proud to say that I have better control over it now compared to previous years. Last time, I spared no soul. Even my parents will feel my wrath. And I always regret the things I have done or said because its usually very spiteful and down right mean. My father has always been there to be my saviour and help me through this confusing and painful times. He will remind me of God and he is the only One that can save my soul and cast away the evil inside of me. It always works. But when I lost him, I was petrified. Who would be my saviour? Now, with the help of my very patient 'rock', without him realising it, he helped me to control it instead of it controlling me.

The sick part is it is no one's fault. This is just a battle with my inner self that I have to endure and settle on my own.

May God have mercy on my soul... Insya Allah.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

"I'm such a lucky bitch!"

nI am the most luckiest woman I know!(Heehehheeh!)

Why? Because I am happy! I truly am happy.

My life may not be perfect but I think that's what makes it perfect. I hope I'm making some sense here... heheheh!!

I am blessed with a soul mate for a husband. He is not the typical guy that I usually date. He is extremely honest, he doesn't pamper and smother you to bits like you are incapable of thinking or doing anything on your own. He does not show affection in public. He doesn't believe in giving flowers for your birthday or anniversary because its a waste of money to buy something so expensive and do not last long. He prefers staying at home and play his PlayStation. He is not a gentleman in the common definition of it. Some people think why the hell am I with him? Or am I blinded by love?

I am not the typical girl that will dump everything and anyone for the sake of love. In my hubby's case,he is perfect for me.He allows me to be my self and not be ashamed of it. He loves my opinions and even my rambles. He loves it when I am bitchy and stand up for what i believe even when it is totally opposite from him. He fell in love with me, not what he wishes or hopes me to be.

I feel more comfortable with myself now more than ever compared to before I met him.

For that I am truly thankful to God and my wise judgement to ensure that we got married! heheheh... Sayang, I love you til eternity.

In another part of my life which I think that contributes to my happiness is I'm blessed with great best friends. They are not many but I guess that's what makes them the Best. They are only 7 of them.I love them very much up to a point that I trust them with my life! I am willing to risk my life to save theirs. I will forever be grateful that they allow me to be their friend and they accept me for what I am, good and bad. Here's to you crazy guys: Diane, Q, Dinesh, Haiza, Ghani, Beth and last but certainly not least Alyssa. I hope we will be friends til the end of time. May God bless and protect you always.

" No choice laa ...."

No choice laa...

I hate that statement. I really do. It is ridiculous to say that we don't have a choice in life. Because I think we do. Always do. Its just whether you want to recognise it or not.

Most people choose to ignore certain obvious choices available because they don't want to take the hard way. The painful way. And usually, the right way.

Its sad to see people I love and care about settling for what's clearly not the best choice for them. And resulting in them not being totally happy. And they will wonder why God punish them by making their life so miserable. Stop blaming God for something that you have done and have control of. God gave us life but it is up to us on how we live it.

I am especially disappointed with this new generation. They do not value the things that they have and always looking for short cuts. And because of that, they are involved in immoral activities. Looking back, I realise what my parents did was for me to be able to think and differentiate right and wrong. I know that sounds simple, but surprisingly, not many practice it.

A classic case where this horrendous sentence is used is in relationships. "I'm sorry but I have to break up with you because my friends don't like you..", " I have no choice but to marry someone that my parents chose for me..", and on and on. Oh dear God! Please grow some spine and stand up for what you want. It sickens me that there are individuals out there that are freaking smart in school, college, career, etc but when it comes to love..... useless.

And to make it worse they will bitch and whine about how shitty their life is and how they are in constant pain. Don't like how you live your life? Do something about it!

Well, this is my take about this very common subject matter. I am sure I'm not alone.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Its my first, be gentle..

I cant believe I'm actually doing this. Well no point in dwelling on that too much and just say what i want to say. But there lies the problem. What if I don't have anything to say? Yeah, right. That would be a first time! I always have something to say about anything. Even about things I don't really know that much. Weird huh? Well, that's me. Like my late father use to say about me, 'You can talk yourself out of anything!'.

But I so do not want to be like one of those people who writes boring stuff. But I am also not one of those high literature kind either. I am just a girl that's very opinionated, confident, cynical and brutally honest. Its no surprise that I do not have many friends. But I do have a handful of best friends that i trust with my life. That is a whole different story save for a another blog.

I use to view the world with much exasperation and disappointment. I do not trust people easily. and if anything good were to happen to me, I would usually ask a dozen questions as to why do i deserve it and what's the catch? Even my parents gave up on trying to save me from myself. I have always been the weird one in my family and that made me a very rebellious kid. I use to think I'm born in the wrong family. But don't get me wrong, i love my parents. I have no doubt of their love for me. Its just that I don't fit the family's mould. I feel stifled and suffocated. I cant be my true self because I fear I would hurt my parents.

My wise late father have always been extra patient with me. Its as if he could see that I view things so differently from him. And he can sense that I am lot tougher than what I allow others to assume. He knows i struggle to not bury my true self by trying to please them so much. He allows me to think and voice out my opinion and never be ashamed of it. I wish he was here to see that I have fully embraced myself and damn proud of it. For the first time in my life, for the past six years, I am truly happy. As I have found my saviour and soul mate. But I know that my dad knows this and is happy for me. I miss you so much, dad.