Saturday, June 26, 2010

my big big big secret

this is the first time i am writing about this.

well, indirectly writing about it. heheheh...

in this day and age, the truth is, my secret is no longer much of a taboo or forbidden... but i still have to keep it a secret. well, i have to because not many are as open minded as i would want them to be. and i dont want to force it down their throat and make them uncomfortable with me unnecessarily, because i love them too much. due to that, only a handful knows about this.

those who knows thinks its cool and rather sexy. in fact my dear beloved totally loves it and totally supports it. no surprise there, since he is a crazy psycho freak! (said that with love!)

i think i have known for quite awhile about my secret. ever since i was a teenager and i noticed that my focus is more to that than others. and i feel all tingly and goose bumps everywhere. and when i start dreaming of it, you would think i would realise it and admit it. but no. i thought it was just a fluke and my brain was just trying to mess with me or due to watching too much tv.

but i was forced to seriously think hard about it when i start imagining it, while im wide awake, in broad day light, more than once. at first it scared me, and i thought i was a freak. so i refuse to encourage it by thinking about it. i just keep telling myself i have a very high and wild imagination.

suddenly, one fine sunny day, all my hard work and discipline of forgetting about my lil secret, gone down the drain in a mili-second when the biggest 'test' hit me right in my face! unfortunately, i am a nice person so, i attract these 'tests' like a moth to a flame. but of course this particular 'test' did not know my secret. so, it was always there! just......lingering around me, enticing me and torturing me! and start becoming a huge major pain in the neck! i soooo want to take the 'test' and........!!! but my brains is telling me no, dont do it.

i was sooo torn and soooo tortured, until........... the 'test' gave me its answers! ALL access to the answers for me to fully use to take the 'test' and score!

and........i did.

oh god , i did! and i cant lie to you by saying its wrong and it made me feel like guilty, but it soooooo did not!! it was soooo good to finally be myself! all the pain and suffering of hiding my secret is gone! and, fyi - i scored the 'test' with flying colors!!

from then on, i did not feel like a big looser for having this secret. in fact it empowered me to be more confident and not really care what others think or say about me. and to start taking charge of my life. and not just sit on my ass and not do anything and allow others to just walk all over me! it was THE turning point in my life, where i am no longer the push over and transformed into this fierce confident sexy BITCH! :D

however, that does not mean i can shout out my secret to the whole world! its still a secret to many till today.

its ok. i am totally ok with it being a secret because the ones i care and love about the most knows about it and still loves me.

maybe one day i can and would tell the world about my secret. but till then, this is as far as i am willing to share. so for those that do not have a clue what the hell i have been ranting about in this blog, so sorry. if you dont know now, you will never know. so you would have to wait for that one day....

and for those who knows, you would understand this blog and smile. and i would like to say thank you for your support and love.

new stuff

Ok, here are some of the stuff i got and im bloody excited about:

Two very comfortable shoes from Pedal Works! Got a great strappy red platforms and not forgetting my super cool denim heels...nice!

To many of you, jeans? whats the big deal? well, it is for me! its been like forever since i last own and worn jeans! i got d classic boot cut dark blue denim. i love it!

Well, cant be too detail about this topic coz i got a few of these, compliments from my dear hubby! but they were big and beautiful! but my favourite is my big brown and black Fendi bag!!

Oh yeah baby! my beloved surprised me with this for me for our anniversary - and he gave it early! all 10 seasons in only 6 DVDs!! OMG! i will never ever be bored of watching Friends! Never! Thanks baby, I LOVE YOU!

last but not least......

Yes, yes...... i finally got the IN mobile phone! i am soooooooo in love with it! i get to do almost everything i do online with it! i dont have to lugg my laptop around anymore to get online! its the best stuff i got this year, so far!

well, thats about it.


miss hugging you before i sleep

miss smelling your intoxicating scent

miss your strong arms around me

miss your kiss good night

miss kissing you goodnight

miss playing with your fingers

miss you soothing me with your fingers tracing my ear

miss waking up with you beside me

miss your cheerful morning voice greeting me

miss you pampering me

miss you calling me cute

miss your beautiful eyes, looking deep into my soul

miss your sexy lips smiling cheekily at me

miss you caressing my body with such tenderness

miss your craziness outlook of life

miss hearing you say ' i love you'

to sum it up...

i miss you,

my love

my best friend

my soul mate.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

NOV 2010


in NOV 2010 - Rizal, Diane and myself, will be going to.....


we will be there for 8 days and 7 nights!!!
this is Beijing City will be S N O W I N G !!!!!! YEY!!
This is The Forbidden City

This is The Great Wall of China

And this is the map of the Forbidden City!

Cant wait to go!!!

surprises in life

isnt this a lovely picture?

whenever i look at it, i get overwhelmed with mixed feelings that incidently concurrent with recent incidents in my life.

yes, i know... i havent blogged for a long while. i have no solid excuse besides i just didnt feel like exposing too much of my vulnerability here.

but its time now.... its time to let it out. that is the main reson why i have this blog in the first place - to be able to channel all my feelings the healthy way.

where shall i begin? *sighs*

a lot has happened from the last time i blogged. there were good as well as bad moments. hence, the poetic picture above - it translates my feelings beautifully.

how can i express similar past problems differently? i understand that there will always be conflicts and disputes. though many dread and bitch about it, surprisingly those i can handle. if i have made a mistake, i shall apologise and learn from that mistake. i like constructive criticism as it would allow me to have some form of control of how best to handle the situation. but when it comes to trust and intergrity, especially mine - i am dead serious about it. i dont give my trust easily and i will avoid at all cost any situations that would give an oppurtunity to compromise my intergrity. my late father always said, we are measured not by our wealth and popularity, but by our integrity.

i know i have high expectations of others to feel, think and do as what i would do. dont ask me why, its just me. due to this trait, i am always disappointed.

the saddest part is that i am extremely disappointed by one of my closest person in my life. the person i least expect to hurt me as much as she did. due to the fact that she knows me for more than 20 years! therefore you would think she would know me better than anyone and would not intentionally hurt me. but alas, i am strongly mistaken.

the person that i have regarded as my best friend somehow felt that i do not deserve to be hers. instead she uses me to get to her lover. at first i didnt see it, or refuse to see it. but i cant deny it any longer when she shall rather be in the company people that betrayed her more than me. people that uses her in every way and is insincere towards her.

but as for me, all i want is to be able to be her friend and take care of her. but as usual, i am misunderstood.

but i am a strong woman. i have gone through many hurdles in life, far too many times to let her pull me down. if she doesnt want my friendship, its her loss. there are plenty out there that craves and yearns for strong bond of friendship that i have offered.

i wish you well and all the happiness in the world.

i miss you.... and i loved you.

enough said.

as for the 'rainbow after the rain' moment in my life:

i am planning to go Beijing for 8 days and 7 nights! and to make things better, i am going with my loved ones - Rizal and Diane. another new place for me to explore and check off my list! cant wait to see the Great Wall of China and The Forbidden City!

Another great moment is when realised i have a very very good best friend that was right under my nose and i didnt realise it. she quiet but strong presence has always served me well through my hardships. she has the traits that i only dare to dream about, like high patience, always have a positive outlook in life, crazy and funny and the most important factor is that she accepts me for who i am. and therefore i am always comfortable being around her.

Diane Julia Sundram - i am eternally grateful to have you in my life. thank you.