Saturday, April 26, 2008

Miss you.....

Its been 5 years since you left us.

Wow! How fast time flies! But there's never a day you're not in my thoughts.

Every decision, opinion and action, will automatically prompt me the question.... would he have approve of it? What would he say or think? Is he proud of me? These questions will always be in my mind. Its not that I cant let him go. Its just that I wish he would be able to see how I am now, happy and proud to be who I am, and take pride in it because he have a lot of influence of how I live my life.

I know a lot of people say they understand how I feel, but unless they have lost their loved one, they wouldn't fully understand. And I do not wish it for anybody, even my worst enemies.

The feeling that he couldn't be there to share the joy and pride of my first property or get to see his future grandchildren, is heart wrenching.The feeling you get when you know you cant run to him for advice or to just cry on his shoulder and him telling you everything's going to be alright is simply heart breaking. That sense of security that is there since the day you were born is suddenly taken from you, is very hard to replace. Even though I am lucky enough to have another form of it from my beloved husband but its still not the same and thank God he understands.

I sometimes envy my sister because she get to share her adult life with him. She was able to put a big smile on his face even a laugh or two by giving him what money cant buy, his most cherished grandchildren. What did i offer him? I sometimes ask myself that, over and over again. I feel like I didn't do enough to make him proud to call me his daughter. I wish I had more time with him.

I miss his words of wisdom, his quirky jokes and he's very presence in my everyday life. He may be quiet, but you know he is there for you and will do anything to protect you.

He is much respected by his peers, family, relatives and even high dignitaries. He is an intellect with a heart of gold. He often share others' grievances and tries his best to help. He always puts others first before himself. Now I wish he had taken better care of himself so that he could be with me now.

Each time I get these feelings, I comforted myself by repeatedly telling myself he is in a much better place where he wouldn't be in pain anymore. And I know, somehow, he is watching. And I do hope he is smiling looking down at me.
I am very proud to have him as my father and proud to be his daughter.

My love and prayers will always be for you, Papa.

I miss you so much..


Monday, April 21, 2008

No news means good news....?

Wow! It's been awhile since I pen down my thoughts. Kinda missed it. Weird huh? Its not like I'm writing to anyone. But there's something about bearing your soul like this... Its addictive! And now I'm craving for a fix!

Well, a lot has happen since my last blog. Good... bad... err, weird... but I guess that's what makes one's life colorful. So, let me see if I can try to summarise it.

Lets start with the bad one. I'm doing this freelance work thingy and I kinda love it! It highlights my personality, strengths and weaknesses. But with this current project, it seem s to not only highlight my weaknesses and impatience but also highlighted in fluorescent yellow, capital letters, bold it in red and font size 74!! In short, I hate it! But don't get me wrong, I love the industry, just not crazy about this current ... (thinking of bad words!) ..task. Its still not done yet, so gotta just hang in there I guess.

Anyways, moving on...

Weird stuff.... It was an extremely hot day. That was already making me uncomfortable. And then I found out I am to attend my cousin's engagement. The fact that I have to get all dressed up and leave the comforts of home is enough to drive any normal person mental. So, I'm sure you don't blame me (the short fused woman), for my rather lukewarm reaction to the joyous occasion. I was the only cousin there as they wanna make this a simple affair. Hey, fine by me. I was there to drive my mum there. When we reach there, we were rather early. So, we have to wait outside for a good 15 minutes, under the hot sun. I bit my tongue and gather all my strength to put up a diplomatic smile. Then we, finally went in. Then we, had to wait for another 45minutes to be attended to by the host. Fine, relax... deep breaths. When the ceremony finally happened, my tummy was having a rock concert due to me rushing back (as I was told of this ceremony last minute!), I didn't eat anything since morning. But all the while the formal Malay exchange of poems and innuendos of 'sales transaction', I had a strange feeling I was ... hm... how do I describe it... 'checked out' by my cousin's future brother in law who is married with like a dozen kids, I think. But that's not the strange part because I am used to people checking me out, in a good or bad way. What made this man's attention weird is that he is the extremely pious type, with the turban and long beard with the 'guru' picture hanging on the wall that looks so much like Bin Laden's long lost brother! And lets not forget the wife - the ideal role model of what a true Muslim woman is suppose to be. But no, here is the husband looking at a woman that is totally opposite from that. I even forgot to bring my tudung as required by all Malay women in such occasions. He was not just looking, but more like 'stripping me naked and frolicking with him' look. He gave me a very cold chill down my back! Go figure!

Now the best part, the good. I get to hang out with my best buddies last weekend. We didn't do anything fancy. Just hang out at my place, by the pool and laughing our heads off! That makes up for all the bad and weird shit that happened! I love you guys!

I always pray and thank God for making my life so colourful! Alhamdulillah... Keep 'em coming, Big Guy!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I'm in love.........

God, help me! I'm desperately in love!

I want it! I cant live without it!

I want my very own ......... Bengal Cat!!!!!

Its all my hubby's fault! He's the one that introduce me to this beautiful cat.

Now I dont want any other.

I always get what I want.
And I shall.