Saturday, April 26, 2008

Miss you.....

Its been 5 years since you left us.

Wow! How fast time flies! But there's never a day you're not in my thoughts.

Every decision, opinion and action, will automatically prompt me the question.... would he have approve of it? What would he say or think? Is he proud of me? These questions will always be in my mind. Its not that I cant let him go. Its just that I wish he would be able to see how I am now, happy and proud to be who I am, and take pride in it because he have a lot of influence of how I live my life.

I know a lot of people say they understand how I feel, but unless they have lost their loved one, they wouldn't fully understand. And I do not wish it for anybody, even my worst enemies.

The feeling that he couldn't be there to share the joy and pride of my first property or get to see his future grandchildren, is heart wrenching.The feeling you get when you know you cant run to him for advice or to just cry on his shoulder and him telling you everything's going to be alright is simply heart breaking. That sense of security that is there since the day you were born is suddenly taken from you, is very hard to replace. Even though I am lucky enough to have another form of it from my beloved husband but its still not the same and thank God he understands.

I sometimes envy my sister because she get to share her adult life with him. She was able to put a big smile on his face even a laugh or two by giving him what money cant buy, his most cherished grandchildren. What did i offer him? I sometimes ask myself that, over and over again. I feel like I didn't do enough to make him proud to call me his daughter. I wish I had more time with him.

I miss his words of wisdom, his quirky jokes and he's very presence in my everyday life. He may be quiet, but you know he is there for you and will do anything to protect you.

He is much respected by his peers, family, relatives and even high dignitaries. He is an intellect with a heart of gold. He often share others' grievances and tries his best to help. He always puts others first before himself. Now I wish he had taken better care of himself so that he could be with me now.

Each time I get these feelings, I comforted myself by repeatedly telling myself he is in a much better place where he wouldn't be in pain anymore. And I know, somehow, he is watching. And I do hope he is smiling looking down at me.
I am very proud to have him as my father and proud to be his daughter.

My love and prayers will always be for you, Papa.

I miss you so much..