Monday, November 30, 2009

a familiar feeling...

had a very interesting long weekend.

my whole lil family was present.

had a surprisingly pleasant time with my her.

it was nice and ...... familiar.

its been so long since we get to talk like that without turning it into a big fight.

finally understood what is she doing and why.

i now support and respect what she's doing. its not easy and not everyone can do it.

over all, it was a very relaxing weekend with the family.

i bet Dad is smiling down on us.

love you Dad..... love you all.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

broken heart

sad is an understatement of the century if i am forced to decribe how i feel right now. i think heart broken is the nearest to what i am going through right now.

i am sad that i am included in the same group as those morons that did not fully support and belittled you from the begining.

i am just very confused with what you said and what you wrote, because its contradicting. i have never stopped or criticised you for expressing yourself. in fact i dare take the credit for unleashing your new outspoken self. before this what did you do? be honest. you cry, keep quiet and after awhile, make as if nothing happen. and after a long while, you even forgave them and be nice back to them. i dont really understand why but i still have very much respect for you because it takes a bigger person to do what you do. but after awhile you bitched that you are being ridiculed and pushed around and you're fed up. so, who told you to stand up for what you believe in and just speak up?

if you conveniently forgotten all those long talks we have, then i have nothing to say.

if you are telling me now that you want to forget what we have been through, then i have nothing to say.

if you are telling me that i too cant express how i feel honestly about you, then i have nothing to say. at least i am honest with you. you prefer me to sweet talk to you but later bad mouth you behind your back like the rest?

i have NEVER shut you out like the rest in your life. i just simply told you i am tired of looking at you contradict everything that you said and later get burned.

thats all.

i still and always will have your pictures in my handphone and ipod.

i have never stopped loving you.

i have never stopped supporting you.

i am even crying as i am typing this now.

i have known you for 26 years! and you have really hit me straight through the heart this time...

but you know what?

call me stupid but i will still be here for you, when you need me, because thats what i vowed to you and i will keep my word.

it pains me that you misunderstood me. but its alright.

i refuse to say good bye. because i will always be here for you.

i wish nothing but the best for you. i only want you to be happy.

you will forever be in my heart...

i love you, always...

Saturday, November 21, 2009

e n o u g h



just stop

i am so fuckin tired

tired of listening to the same chant but i know ....

i just know la

i am not tired of being there for you

supporting you

loving you

being your best friend even if you dont want me to be anymore

i am not tired of that

but i am tired of going through the same song and dance

even though you are telling the world you are different

you are more determined

you are stronger

you are starting anew

throwing out the garbage

trust me i want to believe you

but untill u stick to it.....


i am tired

just wake me up when you have succeeded in what you have vowed to do and not do

love you still babe

its just that.....

i am tired

Friday, November 20, 2009

i am a L I O N E S S

I was listening to this song this morning, and I smiled. The lyrics are sooo empowering. And i think its befitting for a close friend of mine that is going through a rough patch in her life. This song paint an exact picture of how i live my life. So, I hope it would help you to find your stand and to identify who you are.

"Now that you're out of my life
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you
But I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you
But I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without you
Now I'm wiser
Thought that I'd be helpless without you
But I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without you
Sold 9 million

I'm a survivor
I'm not gon give up
I'm not gon stop
I'm gon work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin

Thought I couldn't breathe without
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought it would be over by now
But it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still gon be here

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
('m better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Integrity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the internet
Cause my mama taught me better than that

After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround my self with positive things
I'll gain prosperity"

"I'm a Survivor" - Destiny's Child.

Ok, thats it. I am fed up of trying to keep motivating people that clearly are half bake-all talk, no action-hypocrites. Enough about this continuous dependent-i have no choice-low self esteem-im a victim-crap! Because no matter how strong the lyrcis are, or no matter if you have gazzillion people that support and believe in you, but if you do not fully believe, or put your 200% and do things half heartedly - then what is the fuckin point?? You'r not in your teens to be always this fucked up and lost. But then again - OLD DOGS NEVER LEARN NEW TRICKS. They just package it differently - but its still the same old trick.

Moral of the story: Dont be a dog, be a...

L I O N E S S - Beautiful, Independant, Calm and Confident, Fierce yet Feminine.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I am what I am

"According to you
I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.

According to you
I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay.

According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.

According to him
I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
According to you"

sang by: Orianthi - According to him

So for those that think I am not all that - EAT YOUR HEART OUT!


Tuesday, November 17, 2009


everybody that sees me would say, i have it all.

if they mean i am happy - then yes, i am happy.

but do i have it all?

i wasnt well these past few days, and my hubby was nothing but a perfect partner. he was caring, soothe me when im in pain, bought me lots of comfort food.....

but all of a sudden i just realise the awful painful fact - i dont have friends that are originally mine. all was 'referred' by my hubby...

i went thru every one of my friends, and all of them can be traced back to rizal.

then i start to wonder would they still be my friends if rizal is not around anymore? he is the glue, the common factor.....

am i that hard to be with? am i that repulsive to be with?

then i start to dive in deeper in my intimate thoughts and start to diving into a very sensitive and heart wrenching issue that i shoved at the back of my head...

i told my hubby, i dont want to end up like my mom - dependant on her kids. come to think of it, i will never end up that way, coz i do not even have kids!

the image of me being pregnant or being a mother is getting further away from me, year by year. i have a strong feeling i will never assume that role. i just dont see it. i cant picture it. maybe its for the best coz im so fucked up myself, how can i ever raise a kid to not be me?

i think this bothers me more than i realise. i dont know how to explain it. even though this topic is never discussed...but its there. painfully there.

so, if my hubby is not in my life anymore, am i alone?

he is my only true best friend, the only one that understands me, the only one that can stand me! without him......


this is not self pity - this is just hard core facts - self realisation. i have already accepted and embraced what i am, now i have to accept what i most probably end up being.

hey, i am ok. i am strong. i have always been on my own in a way. im different than anyone in my family. different from my relatives.....

i'l get by....i'll survive.

i will...

but i cant deny that i am... a f r a i d.

The Ultimate Ride


It was love at first sight!

It is manufatcured as an armoured car. Its not bullet proof, its GRENADE proof!!

It used to be for the Army (D'UH!), but now they are making it for civilians!

It is also luxurious and comfortable.

And it is one fuckin huge ass car!

Its 8 feet long for God's sake!

Check out the bloody interior! And its all customised to the client's needs.

Isnt it a beauty?

Not gonna say much but THIS is my UTIMATE DREAM CAR!

Its only USD 310,000 ++!!!

You wanna know more about this car, go:

Soon, baby...soon. You will be mine!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009



I plan to go there with friends next year.

Do you know that Manila is called the Asian "Paris"?

Cool huh?

Pray that I get to go!

Manila - here I come!







Sunday, November 8, 2009

I am a B I T C H

Some people wonders why am I so stubborn?

Why am I always so angry?

Why am I always bruttally honest?

Why do I do what I do...

Let me explain as plain as possible so that all the imbeciles out there are able to understand as this would be the first and last time I explain myself... so, here goes nothing...

Stubborn? Its just because I believe that my suggestions or opinions are/were good for me or for someone that I care (because I only give those to people that I care! D'uh!) and also because I have back bone! Careful, this might be a new term to most of you out there!

Angry? Maybe because I always see intelligent people get run over by morons??

Brutally Honest? Its the most efficient way to get the message across!

And last but not least...

Do What I Do.... Because its my life and I do what I fucking hell I like la! I dont fuck care what you think!

So, now you may wonder whats wrong with me?

Oooh, theres absolutely NOTHING wrong with me.

I am just... a.... B I T C H!

....and damn proud of it! (its on my fuckin blog title, for God's sake la!)

The Bitch that I am proudly referring to is the type that every woman should have and i am quite sure have in them. They just need to have the gutts to unleash it every once in awhile. Especially when you are pushed to the wall and you are in a cross road whether to follow the herd and compromise your principles and happiness OR stand up for yourself and ask them to take a hike!

A Bitch is self assured and damn comfortable in their own skin. And most importantly, do not care what the fuck society think of them.

A Bitch does not run away from problems, but face it with a mischevious smile and says "Bring it!"

Yes, these Bitches may not have tonnes of friends but they have a handful of great friends and truth be told, that is the best! What is the fucking point of having a bunch of leeches that will suck the life out of you, and when theres nothing left, dump you and move on to the next chump!

Now, in my life, I havent met that many Bitches, but there are many 'Wannabes' but when there are circumstances arise when their inner Bitches should emerge and take over - they chicken out!

Do you have the following traits or characteristics?
- meek
- timid
- push over
- low or no self esteem
- dependant
- whiny
- constantly wallow in self pity
- cares a lot of what society thinks of you and what you do
- thinks you are a a looser
- a pesimist
- blames everything and anything bad that happened to them, on fate
- intelligent but still lets people shove their ideas and opinions down your throat
- and other looser behaviour, habits and attributes (too many to write down la!)

So, if you are all that and more, you are definitely NOT a Bitch. So stop self proclaiming that you are one!

Look, basically being a Bitch is simply liberating yourself to live your life according to how think is the best for you.

I have lived with this principle for the past 4 years+! And girls, let me tell you, its addictive! Once you are a Bitch, you dont want to go back to being your old looser self!

For those that wanna break free from the numb minding rut, dont worry. Its never too late. You just need to have balls and determination to want to. Once you have that, then there are steps to becoming it, which i will post in another post.

For those that is offended by this post, i just wanna say...........

I DONT GIVE A FUCK! Its my bloody blog! Dont like what you read, move fuckin on! I wont die without you! You are probably one of the whiny annoying weak loosers anyway!


Thursday, November 5, 2009

broken heart

where do i begin?

how do i describe how i feel about loosing a 25 years relationship?

no words can do it justice.

you know me more than anyone else i know. you know me more than my own family. i can be totally myself with you and be proud of it.

if i am loosing you to a better environment, i really dont mind. but, this new, unchartered territory...and for it to turn bad is high.

i worry...a lot! my heart literally hurts at the thought of loosing you.

i hope and pray he appreciates what you are doing for him. he sooo do not deserve it, do not deserve you.

i have a new found respect for you for deciding something this heavy and difficlut.

i pray nothing but happiness for you, my dear. you deserve nothing but the best.

no one can ever take your place.

so, i dont care where are you going to be, you shall always be in my heart.

you are the true definition of best friend.

and i am extremely grateful that you are my best friend.

thank you for being in my life.

i am truly honored.

i love you