R E V E L A T I O N

everybody that sees me would say, i have it all.

if they mean i am happy - then yes, i am happy.

but do i have it all?

i wasnt well these past few days, and my hubby was nothing but a perfect partner. he was caring, soothe me when im in pain, bought me lots of comfort food.....

but all of a sudden i just realise the awful painful fact - i dont have friends that are originally mine. all was 'referred' by my hubby...

i went thru every one of my friends, and all of them can be traced back to rizal.

then i start to wonder would they still be my friends if rizal is not around anymore? he is the glue, the common factor.....

am i that hard to be with? am i that repulsive to be with?

then i start to dive in deeper in my intimate thoughts and start to diving into a very sensitive and heart wrenching issue that i shoved at the back of my head...

i told my hubby, i dont want to end up like my mom - dependant on her kids. come to think of it, i will never end up that way, coz i do not even have kids!

the image of me being pregnant or being a mother is getting further away from me, year by year. i have a strong feeling i will never assume that role. i just dont see it. i cant picture it. maybe its for the best coz im so fucked up myself, how can i ever raise a kid to not be me?

i think this bothers me more than i realise. i dont know how to explain it. even though this topic is never discussed...but its there. painfully there.

so, if my hubby is not in my life anymore, am i alone?

he is my only true best friend, the only one that understands me, the only one that can stand me! without him......

*sighs*

this is not self pity - this is just hard core facts - self realisation. i have already accepted and embraced what i am, now i have to accept what i most probably end up being.

hey, i am ok. i am strong. i have always been on my own in a way. im different than anyone in my family. different from my relatives.....

i'l get by....i'll survive.

i will...

but i cant deny that i am... a f r a i d.