Tuesday, March 18, 2008

" Malay Boleh! "

I am Malay.

I am proud to be Malay.

I am intelligent, independent, confident and hardworking Malay.

In my working experience of more than 10 years, I have accomplished things almost 95% on my own. I did not use my 'privileges' to get what I want. I use the old fashion way - earning it myself.

Do you know why I don't use those special 'hand outs'? Because I perceive it as an insult not only to my intelligence and integrity, but also to the very principles that my parents have planted in me for so long.

I have observed how our friends of other races have excelled in whatever field they put their mind into. And all without any special treatments. I take it as a personal challenge for me to succeed on my own accord. So that I am able to take full credit for my achievements!

I may not be one of the most successful Malays. But I am proud of who and what I am now and continue to strive for higher goals. I do not want to settle like most of my kind would and stay under a rock with a dead end job for the next 25 years!

In my opinion, there are two types of Malays. The first is the Malay: highly educated professionals that have good strong principles, open minded and high level of self confidence and always wants the best. And they do it all on their own merit. They blend well with everyone and are respectful of other races, religions, cultures and opinions. They also often use simple common sense, which is uncommonly used by others.

The other type is the Melayu: they are also educated, some are in the professional line and they too always want the best. The only difference is how they achieve it all. They rely on 'special privileges', short cuts, never own up for any wrong doings and always blame others for it. They are extremely narrow minded and narcissist. They are usually in the 'herd mentality' more than a leader.

Anyone can change. No matter how old or young you are. Its just a matter if you want to stay in a rut or take a risk and be an outstanding individual.

I know I have rattled some cages by writing about this. But I am sick and tired of the Melayus speaking and deciding on my behalf about getting rid of Malay rights. I think its is long overdue!

I am very confident that Malays now are more independent and intelligent to succeed on their own. And I am outraged that some Melayus think that we still need it!

No more special privileges and treatments!

No more special hand outs or spoon feedings!

Just say NO!

Malay Boleh!

Friday, March 14, 2008

" Confessions of A Short Fused Woman"

Short fused.

What is it, really?

Is it a temperament due to lack of self restraint or a disease that is difficult to control?

I would really love to get an answer to that question. Because, (standing up and looking around the crowd..) I am a short fused woman. (Like in an anonymous meeting! heheh!)

Well, they say that's the first step. Acknowledging that it is a problem.

But the million ringgit question here is, how the hell to control it??

I have been suffering with this 'ailment' since the day I understand whats right and wrong. So, needless to say, a very long time.

My mother said its in my genes. Wow! Isn't great to be able to blame my ancestors for my undesired trait. If only that is totally true. That would make my life much, much easier. My mother also told me to calm myself down whenever I am pissed off about something or at someone. But hey, it is a lot easier said than done. Some people recommend to take a deep breath and count to ten, slowly. Been there, done that. That approach can buy my 'victim' some time to get away from me. But this is assuming that he/she is smart enough to do that. If they're not, which is usually the case, it does not help one bit.

I tried thinking about good and soothing stuff like, sitting by a beautiful white sandy beach with a nice breeze playing with my hair and birds flying freely in the bright blue sky..... I got to admit, that sometimes does work. But unfortunately for my 'victim', they tend to think that I am afraid to confront them and take advantage of the situation by trying to outsmart me, verbally. Big, big mistake. All that serenity just came crumbling down and the flaming bad tempered ogre emerges and all is lost.

Sometimes my 'victims' are truly victims. That means they are innocent, they do not mean to irritate me or to antagonise me. But somehow they still do. By just being there or its just as simple as me not liking how they look. In that case, I would really try to control the beast in me because its simply not their fault.

Today, I 'ran over' the person I loved the most. I was tired and irritable. He was just being nice to me and trying to coax me to do something that I am not so comfortable with. At normal times, I would just whine and make him do it for me. And usually it works. But today, I was Short Fused. As usual, at first he would try to remain calm and try to encourage me by giving positive comments. I as usual when in that short fused moment, will not notice this until its too late. But its not entirely my fault. Its 95% mine and 5% his fault. He knows me pretty well. Therefore, he would know I am in no mood to indulge in his little effort to educate me and just drop the subject. But he persist on. And when he got pissed off, then I realise the communication breakdown. By then he would 'man sulk' and remain cold for quite awhile. This has been going on for the past six years that we know each other, And I have a strange feeling it will continue until the day we die. God willing. But I think that's what makes our relationship so bloody unique. Weird but true. I love you, yayang. Thanx for putting up with my insufferable self.

I guess I will pursue in finding the right method to defuse my short temperament. To ensure I am able to socialise and not offend anyone. Wish me luck!

"Kau Yang Satu..."

Kau Yang Satu
by Ramli Sarip

Kaulah Yang Maha Esa
Kaulah Yang Maha Pengasih
Kaulah Yang Maha Penyayang
Tiada hidup tanpaMu

Kaulah Yang Maha Agung
Kaulah Yang Maha Mengetahui
Tuhan dunia akhirat
Tiada aku tanpaMu

Bilaku rasa pilu
Bilaku rasa resah
Bilaku kekosongan
Kau tempatku mengadu
Oh Tuhan yang satu
Engkaulah Tuhan yang satu

Segala puji-pujian
Ku tujukan padaMu… padaMu
Dan hidup dan matiku
Hanyalah untukMu… untukMu

Thursday, March 13, 2008

"Get out of my way... Foul is an under statement to describe my mood today!"

I rarely say this, but I hate myself.

I hate myself when I am in this indescribable temperament. I hate it because there is always innocent people that will be my victims. And usually people I love.

I am trying my best to control this raging demon inside of me that wants to skin a human being alive by just giving me a look that I disapprove.

But the strange thing is that this frightening cold mood of mine do not come often. But when it does, Hell will pale in comparison.

When I woke up this morning, I was in an odd mood. But I can sense that today is not going to sail smoothly.

I thought by ignoring it and sleep would somehow make it go away or subdued it. But alas, it was wishful thinking. All I can do now is keep this evil on a leash and hope to God that no one crosses my path.

I cry myself to sleep each time I survived a day with this horrendous emotion. I do not want to alarm my partner because I know he would want to help me get through it. But how can he when he do not understand what I am going through? And how do i make him understand about something that I cant explain myself? Something that I suffered almost all my life and yet still could not fully comprehend? My biggest fear is that if he were to see this side of me, if anyone does, I would loose him and everyone that I love. That is why I have always put up this front of a bubbly and happy girl. I am that most of the time but those times when this evil side appears... I am afraid.

There were times that I get fuming mad, I don't remember what I have said, done or what caused it. And I notice I tend to blackout or block it out of my memory because it is too painful and I am never proud of the end result. I have never loathe myself more when I am in this living Hell. My hand will tremble with the force of keeping this dark force at bay.

But I am proud to say that I have better control over it now compared to previous years. Last time, I spared no soul. Even my parents will feel my wrath. And I always regret the things I have done or said because its usually very spiteful and down right mean. My father has always been there to be my saviour and help me through this confusing and painful times. He will remind me of God and he is the only One that can save my soul and cast away the evil inside of me. It always works. But when I lost him, I was petrified. Who would be my saviour? Now, with the help of my very patient 'rock', without him realising it, he helped me to control it instead of it controlling me.

The sick part is it is no one's fault. This is just a battle with my inner self that I have to endure and settle on my own.

May God have mercy on my soul... Insya Allah.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

"I'm such a lucky bitch!"

nI am the most luckiest woman I know!(Heehehheeh!)

Why? Because I am happy! I truly am happy.

My life may not be perfect but I think that's what makes it perfect. I hope I'm making some sense here... heheheh!!

I am blessed with a soul mate for a husband. He is not the typical guy that I usually date. He is extremely honest, he doesn't pamper and smother you to bits like you are incapable of thinking or doing anything on your own. He does not show affection in public. He doesn't believe in giving flowers for your birthday or anniversary because its a waste of money to buy something so expensive and do not last long. He prefers staying at home and play his PlayStation. He is not a gentleman in the common definition of it. Some people think why the hell am I with him? Or am I blinded by love?

I am not the typical girl that will dump everything and anyone for the sake of love. In my hubby's case,he is perfect for me.He allows me to be my self and not be ashamed of it. He loves my opinions and even my rambles. He loves it when I am bitchy and stand up for what i believe even when it is totally opposite from him. He fell in love with me, not what he wishes or hopes me to be.

I feel more comfortable with myself now more than ever compared to before I met him.

For that I am truly thankful to God and my wise judgement to ensure that we got married! heheheh... Sayang, I love you til eternity.

In another part of my life which I think that contributes to my happiness is I'm blessed with great best friends. They are not many but I guess that's what makes them the Best. They are only 7 of them.I love them very much up to a point that I trust them with my life! I am willing to risk my life to save theirs. I will forever be grateful that they allow me to be their friend and they accept me for what I am, good and bad. Here's to you crazy guys: Diane, Q, Dinesh, Haiza, Ghani, Beth and last but certainly not least Alyssa. I hope we will be friends til the end of time. May God bless and protect you always.

" No choice laa ...."

No choice laa...

I hate that statement. I really do. It is ridiculous to say that we don't have a choice in life. Because I think we do. Always do. Its just whether you want to recognise it or not.

Most people choose to ignore certain obvious choices available because they don't want to take the hard way. The painful way. And usually, the right way.

Its sad to see people I love and care about settling for what's clearly not the best choice for them. And resulting in them not being totally happy. And they will wonder why God punish them by making their life so miserable. Stop blaming God for something that you have done and have control of. God gave us life but it is up to us on how we live it.

I am especially disappointed with this new generation. They do not value the things that they have and always looking for short cuts. And because of that, they are involved in immoral activities. Looking back, I realise what my parents did was for me to be able to think and differentiate right and wrong. I know that sounds simple, but surprisingly, not many practice it.

A classic case where this horrendous sentence is used is in relationships. "I'm sorry but I have to break up with you because my friends don't like you..", " I have no choice but to marry someone that my parents chose for me..", and on and on. Oh dear God! Please grow some spine and stand up for what you want. It sickens me that there are individuals out there that are freaking smart in school, college, career, etc but when it comes to love..... useless.

And to make it worse they will bitch and whine about how shitty their life is and how they are in constant pain. Don't like how you live your life? Do something about it!

Well, this is my take about this very common subject matter. I am sure I'm not alone.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Its my first, be gentle..

I cant believe I'm actually doing this. Well no point in dwelling on that too much and just say what i want to say. But there lies the problem. What if I don't have anything to say? Yeah, right. That would be a first time! I always have something to say about anything. Even about things I don't really know that much. Weird huh? Well, that's me. Like my late father use to say about me, 'You can talk yourself out of anything!'.

But I so do not want to be like one of those people who writes boring stuff. But I am also not one of those high literature kind either. I am just a girl that's very opinionated, confident, cynical and brutally honest. Its no surprise that I do not have many friends. But I do have a handful of best friends that i trust with my life. That is a whole different story save for a another blog.

I use to view the world with much exasperation and disappointment. I do not trust people easily. and if anything good were to happen to me, I would usually ask a dozen questions as to why do i deserve it and what's the catch? Even my parents gave up on trying to save me from myself. I have always been the weird one in my family and that made me a very rebellious kid. I use to think I'm born in the wrong family. But don't get me wrong, i love my parents. I have no doubt of their love for me. Its just that I don't fit the family's mould. I feel stifled and suffocated. I cant be my true self because I fear I would hurt my parents.

My wise late father have always been extra patient with me. Its as if he could see that I view things so differently from him. And he can sense that I am lot tougher than what I allow others to assume. He knows i struggle to not bury my true self by trying to please them so much. He allows me to think and voice out my opinion and never be ashamed of it. I wish he was here to see that I have fully embraced myself and damn proud of it. For the first time in my life, for the past six years, I am truly happy. As I have found my saviour and soul mate. But I know that my dad knows this and is happy for me. I miss you so much, dad.