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Thursday, March 13, 2008

"Get out of my way... Foul is an under statement to describe my mood today!"

I rarely say this, but I hate myself.

I hate myself when I am in this indescribable temperament. I hate it because there is always innocent people that will be my victims. And usually people I love.

I am trying my best to control this raging demon inside of me that wants to skin a human being alive by just giving me a look that I disapprove.

But the strange thing is that this frightening cold mood of mine do not come often. But when it does, Hell will pale in comparison.

When I woke up this morning, I was in an odd mood. But I can sense that today is not going to sail smoothly.

I thought by ignoring it and sleep would somehow make it go away or subdued it. But alas, it was wishful thinking. All I can do now is keep this evil on a leash and hope to God that no one crosses my path.

I cry myself to sleep each time I survived a day with this horrendous emotion. I do not want to alarm my partner because I know he would want to help me get through it. But how can he when he do not understand what I am going through? And how do i make him understand about something that I cant explain myself? Something that I suffered almost all my life and yet still could not fully comprehend? My biggest fear is that if he were to see this side of me, if anyone does, I would loose him and everyone that I love. That is why I have always put up this front of a bubbly and happy girl. I am that most of the time but those times when this evil side appears... I am afraid.

There were times that I get fuming mad, I don't remember what I have said, done or what caused it. And I notice I tend to blackout or block it out of my memory because it is too painful and I am never proud of the end result. I have never loathe myself more when I am in this living Hell. My hand will tremble with the force of keeping this dark force at bay.

But I am proud to say that I have better control over it now compared to previous years. Last time, I spared no soul. Even my parents will feel my wrath. And I always regret the things I have done or said because its usually very spiteful and down right mean. My father has always been there to be my saviour and help me through this confusing and painful times. He will remind me of God and he is the only One that can save my soul and cast away the evil inside of me. It always works. But when I lost him, I was petrified. Who would be my saviour? Now, with the help of my very patient 'rock', without him realising it, he helped me to control it instead of it controlling me.

The sick part is it is no one's fault. This is just a battle with my inner self that I have to endure and settle on my own.

May God have mercy on my soul... Insya Allah.

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