Friday, October 31, 2008

Boogie Time!!!

I am soooooo in need to go clubbing!

Diane gave me the link to Euphoria, Ministry of Sound at Sunway, and I am hooked! You bitch, Diane!

I dont care about geting hi, I just want to dance my heart out! Release what ever pent up emotion I have in me, especially for the last few days!

Cant wait to boogie my butt out!

Got to wait for my fucken salary to fucken hell clear!!

Clubbbin' time baby!!

Kaulah Segalanya Untuk Ku

Mungkin Hanya Tuhan
Yang Tahu Segalanya
Apa Yang Ku Inginkan
Di Saat-saat Ini

Kau Takkan Percaya
Kau Slalu di Hati
Haruskah Ku Menangis
Untuk Mengatakan

Kaulah Segalanya Untuk Ku
Kaulah Curahan Hati Ini
Tak Mungkin Ku Melupakan Mu
Tiada Lagi Yang Ku Harap
Hanya Kau Seorang

by Ruth Sahanaya

With All My Heart,
This is for you, Yayang.


How can I explain it?

I am so fucken happy for him.. He is finally truly happy at work.. He is bloody good at what he does.. And he is being recognised and paid well for it.

How can I tell him.. I am so fucken screwed up torn up inside!

I love that all is working well for him, but I hate the fact that its taking him away from me. Now is still not too bad. Its getting worse but its gonna be worse once he goes international.

Too make it worse, its not his fault. He is so sweet. Even when I don't tell him, he knows i don't like it each time he goes out station. But he never said anything and he tries his best to compensate for the lack of time, so he thinks.

He doesn't seem to understand that that's not the issue. No matter how much 'quality' time he spends with me, when his not beside me, he is just simply not there. I am not sure if that made sense to anyone else, but it does to me.

I keep saying that I am a fucken selfish bitch! Many say no, its normal. But how can this extreme pain be normal??

I keep telling him, don't worry I'll toughen up, I'll work it out, I'll get over it.

Will i ever?

But I don't wanna get use to the idea that he's not around.. I have seen too many marriages fail due to a spouse got use to their significant other's absence.

I broke down last night.

I hate this feeling of deep hollow in my soul.


I don't wanna loose him.

He is my best friend.

Oh God! Help me get through this.

Al - Fatehah (for me!)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Whole again

28th September, 7th, 8th & 9th October.

The begining of something absolutely wonderful! (well, I can hope!)

I am extremely happy to see Rizal so fuckin happy! I know that is something I can never give or compete with, not that I am. But I would do anything to see him like this, always.

I know he is sooo controlling himself not to shed a tear when he first saw you girls, like Nadia did, but I can feel it. I was holding back tears as well. Tears of

I am so happy that you girls didnt forget you Daddy. Because he never ever did. Even though years pass, theres never a moment that both of you are not in his mind and heart. You are his pulse, he would do anything to be with you, protect you.

It pains him that day when he has to let you girls go. Even though he doesnt say or show it, I know him well.

But I can see him smile, with strong hope that he will see both of you again.

Thank you for giving your Daddy this happiness.

I Love You Girls, so much!!

Bittersweet Time

5 years.
Its been five years around this time of the year that I have lost you. But it seems like only yesterday.
I wish you were here.
This year everyone was around. The whole family. You'd be so happy. Your cucu is all grown up. They are beautiful and intelligent. You'd be so proud.
I wish you were here.
I am finally in a somewhat comfortable zone, financially . I am working in a good company and so far, I like it. I am fully recognised for what I did and what I can do. Rizal is finally in a position that he likes, and getting the salary that he deserves. And this is just the beginning, Insya Allah.. He's patience and all the hardship that he went through before, is finally paid off. Alhamdulillah..
I wish you were here.
But just when I thought things are finally doing fine... I think you know what, or who I am talking about. I dont know what happened to her. Its like she is a totally different person. She's like a stranger to me. But seriously, I dont care how she treat or feel about me, but mummy... Oh, God. I cant even say it. I just hope she'd come to her senses soon, before its too late.
I really wish you were here.
I know no matter how many times I keep wishing for that, it'll never come true. But I am somewhat comforted because I know you are in a better place, happy and still watching over me.
But still, I really wish you were here.
I Miss You So Much!
Al-Fatehah.... Amin.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

No more please....

Oh dear, God! Not again!

I am so sorry, my dear. I would have to decline.

I dont like the questions. Its just freakingly weird and sick. Even for me.

And anyway, I am too lazy to do it.


Life after the storm....

I know, I know... I haven't blogged for quite some time now. But I have been bloody busy nowadays. I finally have some quiet time now to blog about what happen since my last emotional blog.

Since my 'walk out and fuck off', I realised my value in the working field. I was jobless for an hour, and I already have great offers. I was speechless and honored. I weighed and thought long and hard and finally decided to join Nanang International - MLM company, marketing herbal health products. I am very happy to be back in this industry. I love to help people. And I love the feeling when someone come hugging and crying happy tears to you and thanking you for helping them to make their health and financial life much better. You have to experience it first hand in order to know how it feels, because I cant seem to find the right words to describe it. Thank you so much H, for accepting me in this 'family'. I shall do my best to ensure that this beautiful gift is available for everyone in this entire world - to great health and wealth!!

Since I only start my new job after Raya, I get to spend some quality time with Mummy. That was priceless. I went Raya grocery shopping with her. We had long talks, shared our thoughts and feelings. I thank you mum, for all your prayers and words of wisdom. I love you very much and will always be there for you, Insya Allah.

Icing on top of a great cake was spending time with the girls, Nadia and Jazmeen. They have grown so much! Nadia is slightly taller than me and so matured and insightful for such a young girl. Meen is her usual hyper-active, big eater ironically small girl self. They are so beautiful, smart and articulate. It was so cool to hear that Aussie accent on them. I know they shall grow up to be successful in whatever they set their minds to. We were so much like a family and so comfortable with each other, its as if 2 years did not separate us. Thank God! I love and miss them so much. Hope to see them again, soon.

I am extremely grateful and thankful to You , for blessing us with Your Love. I pray for You to continue to bless and protect us, til eternity. Insya Allah.