Monday, June 29, 2009

My Transformation!

I feel soooo different... I am a new woman!

I know some people react badly or is very sad when someone or an incident hurt them badly.

I too, felt and reacted that way, but only for a little while.

After that, I transformed to a more confident bitch! I feel sexier, friskier, cheekier! In short....GREAT! Go figure!

But I am not the only one that likes this new transformed me, my most beloved person in my life LOVED it! ;p

And it made our relationship greater in every sense of the word! It even reflected in photos!!

Now this truly captures the essence of the saying "In every cloud, there's a silver lining"!

Thank you God for giving me this new found strength! :D

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Frisky, Bitchy 'n' Slutty!

I feel frisky.....

I feel bloody bitchy.....

I feel....................damn slutty!

The incident have woken up the Wild side of me and I LOVE it!

I feel so strong, so powerful...

I am always in a cheeky mood...

I tease mercilessly, like the days when I was in college!

I feel like im 18 again!

So sexy, so EMPOWERED!

Watch out hunn! Get ready! I hope you can handle me!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Roller coaster weekend


Last weekend was an emotional roller coaster ride!

There were equal parts of ups and downs. Even though the down was heart breaking, excruciatingly painful but by airing it out, it resolved a lot of issues. I wouldnt trade or change anything.

I learned a lot about myself. Not so good stuff. Traits that I vowed not to have or become. *sighs*

Thinking back at what was said, I still cringe and heart still hurt and broken into a gizzillion pieces. I still cant believe that happened. I mean considering my 'unique' lifestyle, I was sure that would never happen. I guess its true, never say never.

I have decided to not dwell on it and move on. And look at it as a lesson learned the hard way.

But how do I trust him again? He broke my ultimate principle and my heart. How do I know whatever he said is exactly what he is feeling or doing?

I put up a brave front after the initial shock and outburst of tears. I want him to see that I am not what he thought I was.

But deep inside, I am still crying. I am still hurt. I am still bleeding.

I cant tell him. Well not in person. I cant tell him what he did was extremely painful and the wound is very deep. And it doesnt help that I am physically in pain due to my hormonal issues. Talk about double mega huge gigantic whammies - "dah jatuh, ditimpa gunung!" (new version!)

I have failed. I am a huge failure. I have failed as a wife and a woman.

But I am not a quitter. I will not give up. I will give my all, even if it means sacrificing my life, I will do it.

I just hope he is patient enough and understand me and would never hurt me, again. Because he vowed not to.

God, please gave us strength and patience to go through this rough patch in our life.


Friday, June 12, 2009

The Pain of being in LOVE

Humans are not a crystal vase that's easily broken. But for us to be broken, that means something or someone must have a big impact on them in order for another human being to feel beaten and helpless.

Especially those strong dominant characters that we see everyday. So sure of themselves, so happy, know what they want, have everything that everyone else wish for...

But behind close doors..........we will never know. All of a sudden, we saw them down, depressed and so.........broken. We are surprised and thought they lead a perfect life. We wish to have their life. We then wonder, what the fuck happened?

What happened up to a point they brokedown?

It takes a lot to fully destroy a strong personality. But most common factor is LOVE.

The things people do in the name of LOVE are sometimes mind boggling.

I thought LOVE was suppose to be unconditional, trusting, dependable and most importantly it wont hurt you.

At first, the pain wasnt so bad. So you let it slide because of love. Then it accumulated and it was so bad that what started out as an slight emotional pain, now is a full blown heart ache and you can physically feel the pain.

Please do know that our loved ones do not intentionally want to hurt us. But it does not help the situation when they dont realise that they are hurting us, and the communication sucks. And on top of that, it looks like only one of us feels that they are the only one that feels there is a problem.

What do you do? That is the golden question that I know many would kill to know.

Well, first things first, you must realise you have choices, always. Even when you feel there isnt, there is. Its just that whether its an easy or hard choice.

Secondly, is your partner worth it? This question you must answer as truthfully as possible because it will determine the path you are going to take.

Once you have decided, then you choose a method to help to solve your problems. And it may take several methods to finally get the right one. So, dont give up.

Next, stick to your mission. Dont sway under outside influences until you reach your objective. Patience and preserverence is the key. Even when you think you have tried it all and still cant see any changes, just keep at it.

End result? If you have achieved what you want, then congratulations. If not, think long and hard on whether you want to keep trying or abort the mission all together.

But remember one most important rule. Any decision you make, is yours and yours alone to make. Just do it and dont look back. And if it doesnt turn out as what you want, do not blame others. Just be proud of yourself that you have given your best, and move on.

Now I know this is a lot easier said than done. Trust me, I know. But if you truly love them, you must give your best to make it work.

This is dedicated to all those love fools out there.

I am not sure why I wrote this. Or maybe I do know....


Thank you, God Almighty!

Test result was good. All clear.

Except 1 part, which I already suspected. But my doctor was very reassuring.

I am on medication though. Dont like it, but have to considering the circumstances.

During the excruciating waiting period, I realised a lot of things - good, bad and WTF...

Whatever it is, I am grateful that I am basically ok, just needing a tweak here and there. LOL!

Thank you again, Ya Allah.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

2 hours to go...

I got the call.

Unexpectedly, I got the call. I was speechless.

My results are back and the doctor wants to see me to discuss about it. My hands are cold and trembling.

I feel violently sick to my stomach. It doesnt help that I actually do feel extreme pain in my lower abdomen as if all my insides are being yanked out of me, slowly.

I cant go to see the doctor earlier. So, my appointment is at 6.15pm! Its 4.15pm now... 2 hours to go.

2 excruciatingly painful hours, which feels like 2 centuries and time is going by so slow.

The possibilites are killing me!

I know its not going to be good news, but the severity of my condition is whats tearing me up inside!

I feel like shouting as loud as I can and crawl up somewhere and.......................cry.

I have never felt lonelier than now. I am physically and emotionally in a lot of pain.

I thought by talking it out with Sita, would help. It didnt. I am sorry Sita, you did help by being there for me, but I still feel.......................hollow, empty.

Is this a glimpse of what my life would be like? High flying career couple, all successful and rich (hopefully!), everything is planned and organised. One is going around Malaysia, while the other is flying half way around the world??

I am so holding back my tears because I do not like crying in the office. I never like showing my weaknesses in front of others. I am the strong one, the tough leader.

But its rather tiring that I have to be that strong and tough even at home. Because thats what is expected of me. I dont like to disappoint him. I love him too much.

Well, whatever the results are, I have a strange feeling.........lets just say, I have to prepare to go for doctors appointments or treatments on my own.

But I did grow up doing most of the things myself. So, its not so bad right?


I'll be fine, just fine. Im strong right? I have always been and I will always be.


Alyssa smsed me yesterday and asked for my email add. I asked why and she said to juz wait for her email. Then this morning, when I open it this is what she wrote: "When I heard that song, it reminds me of you and Rizal, all lovey dovey!" It was so sweet and yes, I agree with her. I smiled like an idiot when I heard the lyrics.
"Sempurna" - by Andra & The Backbone

Kau begitu sempurna

Dimataku kau begitu indah

Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu

Disetiap langkahku

Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua

Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku

Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku

Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh

Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku
Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku

Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku

Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku

Oh sayangku, kau begitu Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh

Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

This is for you, yayang. You are sempurna, for me. I love you!

P/S: Thanx, Alyssa. ;)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Die from waiting....

I did it.

I at last went to see a OBGYN.

After almost 5 years!!

Now a lot of what happened and still happening to me makes more sense.

Mood swings, easily agitated, dizziness, trembling hands, nausea, short temperedness and very irregular period.

I went to a very nice doctor in Bangsar. She wasnt judgemental, kind and understanding. She took my blood ( a lot!) and going to make total body test. The minute I walked in her office she already have a strong idea of what I have.

But of course, we have to wait for confirmation from the test results. And that will take up to a week.

A WEEK!! I am so going to suffer! I am soo not good at waiting...

Oh God, give me strength....

Monday, June 8, 2009

Empty shell

Thats what I feel whenever I think about that painful part of my life.

So far, everything's going well for me. And for that I am extremely grateful. Alhamdulillah.

But I can never shake the feeling that I wont be complete. And if this feeling and predicament doesnt effect anyone, I seriously dont mind. But it does and it will. And to the one I love the most.

This month is a very sensitive month for him. It slipped my mind, and for that I am truly sorry. But it is also rough for me. In fact, it makes me feel worse. Because if I were doing my part well, at least it is able to distract you a bit.

When it comes to this highly sensitive issue, I have no words. And I dont know what to do. You told me to leave you alone, but can you leave me alone if I am in pain?

Please dont shut me out. I already feel left out as it is as I cant share this part of your life by giving you what I know you want and secretly yearn.

Do you know how extremely painful for me to raise this topic to discuss with you? Because each time I talk about it, its me saying outloud and admitting the fact that I failed as a woman and as your wife.

I know nothing is final, but I dont like life catching me by surprise. I always prepare myself for the worse so that I wont breakdown if it happens. But dont worry, I wont die before I am dead. I just like to make plans B and C.

I vow I will do my best to do my part. I just hope you have the patience to be with me through out the entire process. I dont think you can fully understand my situation and how much it is effecting me. But I will give you the benefit of a doubt that you are trying your very best to make me happy.

I would give my life to give you total happiness.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

My cute lil fishies

I have the most cutest little mini aquarium with cute lil pretty fishies!

I am so in love with it!

When I am having a not so good day, or when I am tensed, I will look at my cute fishies and all is well!

Thanks so much sayang! I love it!