2 hours to go...

I got the call.

Unexpectedly, I got the call. I was speechless.

My results are back and the doctor wants to see me to discuss about it. My hands are cold and trembling.

I feel violently sick to my stomach. It doesnt help that I actually do feel extreme pain in my lower abdomen as if all my insides are being yanked out of me, slowly.

I cant go to see the doctor earlier. So, my appointment is at 6.15pm! Its 4.15pm now... 2 hours to go.

2 excruciatingly painful hours, which feels like 2 centuries and time is going by so slow.

The possibilites are killing me!

I know its not going to be good news, but the severity of my condition is whats tearing me up inside!

I feel like shouting as loud as I can and crawl up somewhere and.......................cry.

I have never felt lonelier than now. I am physically and emotionally in a lot of pain.

I thought by talking it out with Sita, would help. It didnt. I am sorry Sita, you did help by being there for me, but I still feel.......................hollow, empty.

Is this a glimpse of what my life would be like? High flying career couple, all successful and rich (hopefully!), everything is planned and organised. One is going around Malaysia, while the other is flying half way around the world??

I am so holding back my tears because I do not like crying in the office. I never like showing my weaknesses in front of others. I am the strong one, the tough leader.

But its rather tiring that I have to be that strong and tough even at home. Because thats what is expected of me. I dont like to disappoint him. I love him too much.

Well, whatever the results are, I have a strange feeling.........lets just say, I have to prepare to go for doctors appointments or treatments on my own.

But I did grow up doing most of the things myself. So, its not so bad right?

............................

I'll be fine, just fine. Im strong right? I have always been and I will always be.