my big big big secret

this is the first time i am writing about this.

well, indirectly writing about it. heheheh...

in this day and age, the truth is, my secret is no longer much of a taboo or forbidden... but i still have to keep it a secret. well, i have to because not many are as open minded as i would want them to be. and i dont want to force it down their throat and make them uncomfortable with me unnecessarily, because i love them too much. due to that, only a handful knows about this.

those who knows thinks its cool and rather sexy. in fact my dear beloved totally loves it and totally supports it. no surprise there, since he is a crazy psycho freak! (said that with love!)

i think i have known for quite awhile about my secret. ever since i was a teenager and i noticed that my focus is more to that than others. and i feel all tingly and goose bumps everywhere. and when i start dreaming of it, you would think i would realise it and admit it. but no. i thought it was just a fluke and my brain was just trying to mess with me or due to watching too much tv.

but i was forced to seriously think hard about it when i start imagining it, while im wide awake, in broad day light, more than once. at first it scared me, and i thought i was a freak. so i refuse to encourage it by thinking about it. i just keep telling myself i have a very high and wild imagination.

suddenly, one fine sunny day, all my hard work and discipline of forgetting about my lil secret, gone down the drain in a mili-second when the biggest 'test' hit me right in my face! unfortunately, i am a nice person so, i attract these 'tests' like a moth to a flame. but of course this particular 'test' did not know my secret. so, it was always there! just......lingering around me, enticing me and torturing me! and start becoming a huge major pain in the neck! i soooo want to take the 'test' and........!!! but my brains is telling me no, dont do it.

i was sooo torn and soooo tortured, until........... the 'test' gave me its answers! ALL access to the answers for me to fully use to take the 'test' and score!

and........i did.

oh god , i did! and i cant lie to you by saying its wrong and it made me feel like guilty, but it soooooo did not!! it was soooo good to finally be myself! all the pain and suffering of hiding my secret is gone! and, fyi - i scored the 'test' with flying colors!!

from then on, i did not feel like a big looser for having this secret. in fact it empowered me to be more confident and not really care what others think or say about me. and to start taking charge of my life. and not just sit on my ass and not do anything and allow others to just walk all over me! it was THE turning point in my life, where i am no longer the push over and transformed into this fierce confident sexy BITCH! :D

however, that does not mean i can shout out my secret to the whole world! its still a secret to many till today.

its ok. i am totally ok with it being a secret because the ones i care and love about the most knows about it and still loves me.

maybe one day i can and would tell the world about my secret. but till then, this is as far as i am willing to share. so for those that do not have a clue what the hell i have been ranting about in this blog, so sorry. if you dont know now, you will never know. so you would have to wait for that one day....

and for those who knows, you would understand this blog and smile. and i would like to say thank you for your support and love.