No! Not again..

Its back.

Just when I thought I am totally rid of it, its back to haunt and torture my life!

Why does it have to return, just when my life is finally in order and good things are happening!

It is making me so tired! And not too mention the emotional roller coaster ride that I have to endure! If it doesn’t affect others, I really don’t mind. But loved ones are victims of my many moods. When this happens, I feel so drained. I feel like a freak!

Once I had it under control and I was excited. For the first time in many years, I dare to think of little ones running around at home. I thought finally, I would be able to be a true woman – a daughter, a wife and finally….a mother. But now, I am not sure anymore.

Look, I can handle not able to be a mother. In fact I have been psyching myself that for the past five years. *sighs* But I can’t take it when I can’t even be a normal woman! A normal wife!

My biggest fear is that I would loose him. I don’t know how long he is patient. Don’t know how long he wants to be with me. Don’t know how long it would be when he just tolerates me being with him. Don’t know how long he would still love me.

I don’t want to give up…not yet. I know many said I am still young. But they are not in my shoes, living in this body and going through this….’condition’ for years! I am just so tired of it! Sometimes, I just feel like getting rid of it for good and just make the best of the rest of my life. At least I know what I am and I will adapt my life to it. But now…OMG!

I am tired. Dead tired.

God, help me, please…