Tuesday, February 16, 2010


was it it about words that come out from my mouth is always misinterpreted?

why is it that i care for others but when it comes to my own feelings.....

someone told me that the best way to lead one's life is to be truthfull at all times, to speak my mind. but i have learnt that i cant fully 100% practice that way of life. because no one can fully take it.

and why is it that each time i tell people things that others wont, i feel like im being punished for it? why is it that i feel shitty after being honest?

i dont like feeling shitty, so what do i do? i hold my tongue.

i dont lie, i just dont tell people my true feelings and i just follow what others want me to feel or do.

why do i do this you may ask? because i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings.

the truth is i have been doing this for...all my life! i admit that i have improved by not being a total push over, and not lie to accomodate others. i have just mastered the art of 'go-with-the-flow' without lying.

but im hurting now.

trully hurting.

i cant seem to talk to anyone about how i truly, truly feel. because everyone has certain expectations of me.

sometimes i feel like screaming! i cry, sometimes, really cry my heart out.

but dont get me wrong, im happy with my life, i wouldnt trade it for anything in the world, and i am extremely grateful for having what i have.

i am just tired. because i feel like i'm doing all the work to take care of everyone's feelings but what about how i feel?

look, i dont care about the world, and what i am to the rest, but to the most important people....i care and cherish them a lot to not want to hurt them.

each time i try to express how i feel, its potrayed like im a fucking selfish bitch! so i have a lot of 'half-way expressing of feeling' times. i started out with detemination to fully expressing myself, but end up with shutting up, smiling and saying, 'its ok, im ok'.

theres 2 people in my life that contributes to me blogging about this. 2 most important people in my life. i love them to death. but they will be the death of me! they always put me in a position where i feel torn, shitty and screwed up!!

i wont tell them about all this. i just needed to vent without feeling like as ass!

god, help me get through my life, please.