EMO

I hate this word because it always based on a negative remark!

Well to me its better to be over EMO than be fuckin cold and always act like you have got a stick up your arss!

Yes, I do have EMO-attacks, but I am the type of person that apologises immediately after its being pointed out. But please la give me some time to recover. I am not some bloody robot! I am a human being!

I am not YOU!

We all have our own speed of recovering from our mistake! You keep pointing out that I am EMO, but they way you handle me being EMO, your reaction is ....wel.... OVER! I kept my mouth shut - you think I am sulking! Have you ever thought that I am afraid to say things to you??? Afraid to fuckin hell fuck up again!!

You keep telling me that I expect too much from people - well you too!!

You expect people to do things at your speed!

I get excited to see you, happy and cheerful, and being the chatter box that I am, I express myself pretty plainly, especially to you. The fact that you told me HE might be looking, scared me to death!! Coz there were bitchings that is meant for you only. Dont get me wrong, I appreciate you telling me, but tell me sooner!

*SIGHS*

I am sick and tired of having to deal with this OVER-REACTING thingy again, and again!

At least I admit I am EMO. Please reflect and see if you are what you label me as well.

Dont simply scold and hurt me!!

I tolerated far too many times in the past! Now I need to put it in writing...so i dont keep having chest pains each time you snap and cut me off like this!

You are so far the only person that holds the record for the most number of times for hurting and making me cry my heart out! You'll be the death of me la...

And the sick part is.....I STILL LOVE YOU A LOT!!

....trust....

This word is so commonly used but not sincerely executed. How sad is that?

For the past couple of months, this word is being tested.

As a result, I got hurt, BAD. And to make it worse, from the person I least expect!

It hurt sooooo much that I couldnt be angry. I was soooo hurt and shocked that tears just rolled down my cheeks, without any sob or sound. Just pure tears from a broken heart.

Why did that have to happen, I have no idea. I thought I was on top of things. I thought I knew better. But alas, I was gravely mistaken.

The only word that can give a glimpse of what I feel is - ANGUISH.

Even though it happened 2 months ago, the pain is like it happened an hour ago. I have surrendered my all, heart, soul and worldly possesions.... And this hit me like a tornado.

You know what you did. You may see how it effected me and may come to some idea of how it hurt me, but trust me, you are no where near of knowing how I truly feel. And I do not wish it on you, for it was any other weakling, they would have been totally broken down to a million pieces and probably go crazy.

I know you feel remorse and is still trying to make amense. And I will accept it, but please do know I do not forget. I still give you 100% of me but now there is a wound in my heart that will never properly heal.

I am yours forever, no matter what.

R . I . P

Its been so long..... I have forgotten how to do this!

How do I begin? Where do I start? Its especially difficult for me to fully express myself when it comes to extremely painful issues. Hence the reason why I havent blogged for quite awhile. A lot of traumatic incidents have happened in the last 2 months. I just couldnt find the right words to describe my true feelings, and weirdly I am still hoping that it was all a bad dream. That I would soon wake up and all will be well. Thats why I couldnt blog. Because by blogging, I would have to admit that it was all true and the pain will come rushing in, and I wasnt sure if I could take it.

But now, I feel that I can. Now, is the right time. I am ready (I think, I hope!).

Father...

I held on to you when I lost Papa. I held on to you because loosing Papa was too much to bear and I felt lost, alone. It hurts too much! Even after 6 years, I still miss him terribly. I wish he is here to see how well I have become. I wish he is here for me to pamper him, to share my joys and insecurities. But alas, he is not here any longer. I still feel the pain as if it happened only yesterday.

I had wonderful memories with you, Father. Playing mahjong till wee hours of the morning.. listening to you tell stories of your life back then.. *sighs* I am sooo gonna miss that!

Even though you pretty much keep to yourself, you comforted me by just being there. You may not know but your strong presence gave me strength and confidence to go on. And now that you are gone, it will never be the same again.

I have yet lost another father. The pain, the void.... is undescribable.

I will miss you a lot, Father. I am sorry that I did not show my love for you more often or better. But God knows how much I love you.

The only comforting thought is that now you no longer suffer. You are in a much better place.

Love you, Father.

REST IN PEACE