Die from waiting....

I did it.

I at last went to see a OBGYN.

After almost 5 years!!

Now a lot of what happened and still happening to me makes more sense.

Mood swings, easily agitated, dizziness, trembling hands, nausea, short temperedness and very irregular period.

I went to a very nice doctor in Bangsar. She wasnt judgemental, kind and understanding. She took my blood ( a lot!) and going to make total body test. The minute I walked in her office she already have a strong idea of what I have.

But of course, we have to wait for confirmation from the test results. And that will take up to a week.

A WEEK!! I am so going to suffer! I am soo not good at waiting...

Oh God, give me strength....

Empty shell

Thats what I feel whenever I think about that painful part of my life.

So far, everything's going well for me. And for that I am extremely grateful. Alhamdulillah.

But I can never shake the feeling that I wont be complete. And if this feeling and predicament doesnt effect anyone, I seriously dont mind. But it does and it will. And to the one I love the most.

This month is a very sensitive month for him. It slipped my mind, and for that I am truly sorry. But it is also rough for me. In fact, it makes me feel worse. Because if I were doing my part well, at least it is able to distract you a bit.

When it comes to this highly sensitive issue, I have no words. And I dont know what to do. You told me to leave you alone, but can you leave me alone if I am in pain?

Please dont shut me out. I already feel left out as it is as I cant share this part of your life by giving you what I know you want and secretly yearn.

Do you know how extremely painful for me to raise this topic to discuss with you? Because each time I talk about it, its me saying outloud and admitting the fact that I failed as a woman and as your wife.

I know nothing is final, but I dont like life catching me by surprise. I always prepare myself for the worse so that I wont breakdown if it happens. But dont worry, I wont die before I am dead. I just like to make plans B and C.

I vow I will do my best to do my part. I just hope you have the patience to be with me through out the entire process. I dont think you can fully understand my situation and how much it is effecting me. But I will give you the benefit of a doubt that you are trying your very best to make me happy.

I would give my life to give you total happiness.

My cute lil fishies

I have the most cutest little mini aquarium with cute lil pretty fishies!

I am so in love with it!

When I am having a not so good day, or when I am tensed, I will look at my cute fishies and all is well!

Thanks so much sayang! I love it!