HEAVEN AND HELL

M.I.A.

2011-03-21T15:39:00.004+08:00

woah....

it has been that long since i last blogged! i had a long streak of 'not in the mood'! i just didnt want to talk or blog about anything.

so many things happened - good and bad. well, mostly bad, real bad. that pushed me over the edge to not blog! i know its weird because most people want to express themselves especially during trying times but me, i just curled up and went on silent mode.

now i got that sllighbt tick to blog about some of the things that have happened in my life. some if not all.

the problem is i just dont know where to start.

danm it!

oh well, this blog would be a good start i guess. cant straight away spill out all my gutts! hehehe..

Beijing - Part 4

2011-01-09T11:31:00.005+08:00

SHOPPING HAVEN

Beijing is a definite shopping haven!! I LOVE shopping here! We only get to go to 3 places out of numerous heavenly places to shop your heart out!

Silk Market

The variety of boots here is....OMG! To die for! Its like I am in shoe heaven!!

I bought 2 UGG boots here. Before you jump to the idea that its counterfeit, ITS NOT! Its original, straight from the factory here, and therefore its freakingly CHEAP!

PEARL MARKET

We forgot to take pictures inside the market. To best surmise it is the place to go to buy cheap knick knacks as souvenirs for your loved ones at home!

We took a coffee break at this cute lil al fresco cafe...

...and this quite cute Chinese waiter! Diane was smiling and we were both all smiley and saying: Ni How Ma.. ahahahahahahah!!

Next is Panjiayuan Market

It is an old district of shopping haven for antiques. The architecture is... wow!

This is a pure fur shop. I know, I know its wrong but OMG! They are exquisite!! Check out Diane with that REAL stuffed wolf!

Well thats just a bit of the shopping nirvanas in Beijing! Cant wait to go back there again! Yes, I am going back there again - TO SHOP!!

Beijing - Part 3

2011-01-09T10:30:00.003+08:00

Tiananmen Square

Yes, here I am at the biggest and most historical infamous square in the world!! And it is REALLY HUGE! We didnt even know we were on the square! The four side of this square are four huge historical buildings! Thats how big it is!

On this gigantic square, there are 2 HUGE LONG HD flat screens!! WOW!

These are the soldiers that were everywhere in Beijing! I feel so safe!

These next 3 pictures are the official flag lowering ceremony. They do this everyday!! Superb!

Met some locals there and they speak English. They were friendly and had a very interesting conversation. Chinese are nice and warm people!

And this is how it looks like at night - beautiful! This is the only time when its cool to be square! ehehheeh...

Beijing - Part 2

2011-01-09T01:45:00.007+08:00

Sorry it took so long but tonnes of things happened and lots to do! Well, better late than never eh?

Next part of pictures from Beijing would be my historical trip to The Great Wall of China!! Yes! I did it!! I actually went up there!

It was breathtakingly beautiful!! No words to do it justice! So i shall let the pictures speaks for itself!

This is how i reach to the top! Its damn fun!!

This is the name of the place where we entered the Great Wall.

This is the beginning of the journey! And I am already speechless with the spectacular view!

Me with my loved ones going through this fabulous adventure! But my other BFF is not with us! Miss her through out the entire experience! Alyssa - wish you were there with us! :P

Check out the first post of this side of the wall.

The architecture is beautiful, even on a mere outpost!

Check out the amount of stairs!! and this is not even a quarter of it!!

Check out the scenery behind me! Postcard picture perfect!

Found a very cool furry friend up there in the mountains with the majestic Great Wall! And can u believe it its stray?? I soooo wanna take it home!! And its so friendly!

My favorite moment - i am so happy that i can do this historical journey for me with my dear hubby! I dont think i could have done it without him! Thanks Sayang!

Ok, I hope this video would be able to fully give some idea of what its like being up there! Enjoy!

Beijing - Part 1

2010-12-09T12:03:00.007+08:00

My trip to Beijing, China...... No amount of words can fully describe my feelings when arriving at this beautiful country! Its rich with history of thousands of years! It really humbles me and opened my eyes to how young Malaysia is and that we have so much to learn.

And any trip would be even greater when shared with loved ones. I went with my beloved hubby and one of my best friends - Diane. However, my entourage is incomplete because my other bestie/sister cant join us - Alyssa. Next time, no excuses hunn. You are so coming along!

As you know Beijing is not small, so I have to tell my stories in parts. This round, is the most biggest castle in the world....... FORBIDDEN CITY.

In China, nothing is mediocre. Everything is either really big and/or really old as well as extremely beautiful! Now this is just one of the city's extremely huge 'gates'! Talk about first impressions eh?

And almost anywhere you go, you will see some of these guys standing all straight and serious! I really have high respects towards these smart looking men! i can never do what they do!

Yes everywhere we go, we will do silly stuff! Even in Forbidden City! This is me and Diane trying to lift a big ass latch for the big ass door!! hahahaha! You should have seen the looks we get! it was hilarious!

Me posing away at this beautiful bridge. Its handcrafted marble bridge! wow....

Look at this! Isnt this just breathtaking! i got all teary eyed when i first stepped in here. I simply cant believe I am actually here in Forbidden City! *sighs*

Oh, this is that big ass door I was talking about earlier! isnt just big and beautiful?? can i take this home?? hehehe...

Me and dear hubby posing at the Imperial Garden. There are so many beautiful and weird looking trees here and they are all so old! Its so peaceful and so romantic!

This is just one of the many gateways in this huge palace! I simply LOVE the architecture! Absolutely breathtakingly exquisite!

There are many many more pictures! I dont want to flood it all here. Wanna see it, go to my facebook (for those who knows my FB profile).

I am certainly going back to Beijing! I am sure this is one of my favorite cities!

More stories and pictures coming up! Wait for Part 2 of my Beijing trip!

yeah yeah....I AM BACK!

2010-12-09T10:35:00.002+08:00

I am baaackk!

Yes it's been awhile since my last blog but been super busy and went through several emotional roller coasters! I was so preoccupied I didn't feel like rambling here or to anyone! Well, now i am ready because all is well and things are moving along nicely for me of late.

A lot has happened - good and bad, as usual. but i cant bitch because as long as i have my soul mate with me, im fine.

Love you more, my love.

My Playbook

2010-10-26T13:19:00.002+08:00

BLACKBERRY PLAYBOOK

This is the ultimate gadget that I want!

Its perfect....well, for me it is!

I LOVE it!

I shall have you....soon.

I cant seem to be able to describe you well, therefore i shall let you speak for yourself.

Here is a little teaser of whats great to come!

its time

2010-10-12T11:53:00.002+08:00

i had only 3 hours of sleep!

and i can foresee this will be on a frequent basis as long as my 'dear' boss goes on like this.

i dont think my body can take it. i am not getting any younger, even though my heart is 18, but i dont have the time to give my body a break!

i am........... tired.

i need to have a more stable career that doesnt involve weird extreme working conditions. my body is sreaming for some TLC.

And i am finally listening to it.

*sighs*

even though it wouldnt be easy for me to leave, i know i have to sooner or later. and if i have a very good offer, i better take advantage of it now then later when i might not get offers showered on me. its tough competition out there. but i will toughen up my heart and just jump!

bcoz i am ............ tired. dead tired...

BFF

2010-10-11T11:02:00.002+08:00

Rizal
Alyssa
Diane

at first there were 4 people in my life that earned that title i gave them. but now theres only 3.

the one that was stripped off the title was the one person i never expected to loose. i dearly cared and loved her so much......

I thought i knew her, and for a long while i really believe i knew her and thought she loved and cared for me too...but i was wrong.

whatever lies she told others that i have witnessed all these years, i thought was only directed at others. but now i began to wonder and...doubt.

i felt she was pretending with me.....and the people she surround herself with....errrgghh! no words to describe them!

Thats it. i cant compromise my principles for such people.

But i know everything happens for a reason. i may not know exactly why that happened to both us, but i am happy now and living my life. i hope she is happy with her life too!

i am truly blessed to have my 3 BFFs! Thank you for being in my life! Love u guys! :D

the unexpected

2010-10-11T10:35:00.002+08:00

i dont even know how to begin this topic...

some people say, hey its just a job. but the problem is, for me...a its not.

i love my job!

i love helping people, i love seeing their face lit up when they are healthier and/or wealthier! when u get some stranger hugging you tight, crying and thanking you for helping them get healthy or out of financial dilemma....its a rush! an undescribable feeling! thats what made me love this job!

it helps that my working environment is great too - fun and caring colleagues and cool, undertsanding bosses. Thats why i turned down one or two great offers that was offered to me in the past 2 years. i thought hey, i have finally found my place in this world. somewhere i can grow and be happy fo many years to come.

so i was shocked when my dear young boss said this to me in his email:

"As far as the Company is concerned all marketing should have asked to leave upon 2 years of failure."

"This company has provided much and still continues to provide even more in future. If you feel this way, LEAVE."

i was so crushed! after TWO years of pouring my heart and soul in this job and company! i sacrificed many weekends and family time to achieve the goal! And this is what i get? it all started with a small problem, and he manage to turn it around turn it to this very hurtful emarks. And after only half an hour he comes up to me and be funny and poking at me as if nothing happens. i cant pretend as well as he can. if im hurt, it shows and it will tae time to heal.

i wasnt angry, like i usually would. i was so sad.....so hurt. everyone that knows me knows how passionate i am about this company and my job. why cant he see that?

Rizal said he was just venting his frustatrations. but why dump it on me? He said to let it go. But i know he knows as he said that to me, its not going to be the same anymore.

I will still respect him as a boss, but that is all. i dont like how i felt that day after reading that dreadful email. and i dont want to go thought that again. it will always be imprinted in my head. now when i see him, all i remember is him saying that i am a failure! And i am so totally not! thats what hurts the most!

*sighs*

i get hurt again. i never learn my lesson! never get too close!

Im sorry H, my wall is up again...and i dont know when/IF it will ever be down for you..

high as a kite!

2010-10-11T10:05:00.003+08:00

It was a very nice sunny afternoon and we were all invited to go to Diane's place for lunch because Rizal shamelessly asked for her mum to cook Devil's Curry! So, Rizal, Alyssa and myself went over and stuffed our face with so much of the ever delicious food, until i felt like a snake - crawl up somewhere and sleep!

But my favourite past time broke the spell and im wide awake - MAHJONG. I love playing mahjong! It involves strategy, behavarioul analysis and money - so whats not good about that?! hehehe...

During the many rounds of Mahjong, I finally know where Diane gets her nutty charm - her Mum! Her mum was hillarious! She is so cool and she made us all feel so comfortable and at home.

Diane's family is so super friendly that the women gang up on my dear hubby and made him HIGH! Yes.....HIGH AS A KITE! it was hillarious! He had about 3 glasses and off he flies to Neverland...flying high! So the girls were very much entertained by him! His face all red, grumbling and slurring as well as in the car, and then slept like a baby....all the way home. When he got home, went to toilet and straight went to bed! i had to force him to get up few hours later to ensure he ate something and drink lots of water and supplements! I know if i let him sleep through the night, he is going to regret it in the morning!

That was a very memorable afternoon! And i am sure it wont be our last!

P/S: Alyssa - welcome to the blogging world! you will love it! Now, lets get Diane to blog!! :D

M.I.A.

2010-10-04T10:33:00.002+08:00

yes yes....i am back from the 'dead'!

it feels like centuries since my last blog. but hey, i didnt have the mood to blog and i dont wanna be 1 of those morons that write just for the sake of writing and end up blogging crap.

well, needless to say A LOT has happened since my last blog! cant recap everything and i dont think i wanna give my brain a cramp by trying. hmm, maybe some other time.

i just wished there is a software/apps that allows me to blog via my BB! then you will see tonnes of blogs from me, because now, i hardly use the laptop.

i guess the main event i am most looking forward to is my Beijing trip! another 40 days to go!

now i just have to get enough money to spend there!

H E L P

Waka Waka

2010-07-07T20:12:00.003+08:00

yeah yeah....i follow World Cup.... dont act so surprise! there's lots of things that i like and dont like is still a mystery to many and this is one of it.

i support a couple of teams but my ultimate is Argentina.

i cant really seem to remember when exactly i start supporting them, but i think when i saw them playing in a league of some kind and when i saw those handsome well built men running around all sweaty...hmm...enough said.

then after the initial reaction of drooling, i saw how they played... so smooth, so skillfull and so talented!

My favourite is Messi. he is so cute! hehehhe....

But alas my favourite team lost to the 'Trees' Germans! *sobs*

But my babies put up a great fight, not giving up even when it will only take a miracle for them to win the match.

but i have to admit that the Germans is a formidable opponent! with their strong defense + fast counter attacks - they deserve to win.

in the past, Argentina would have done better but somehow that match, they were not in their A-Game mode.

Well, at least they won to my third favourite team - Germany. it was pretty hard for me when they were scheduled to compete against each other so soon. i love them both. i was hoping they would meet in the finals...but alas...

well, these are the teams i support in World Cup in order of most favourite to least.

1. Argentina
2. Brasil
3. Germany
4. Portugal
5. Spain

Well, now to see if any of my favourite teams left in the semi finals will win the cup!

my big big big secret

2010-06-26T17:19:00.004+08:00

this is the first time i am writing about this.

well, indirectly writing about it. heheheh...

in this day and age, the truth is, my secret is no longer much of a taboo or forbidden... but i still have to keep it a secret. well, i have to because not many are as open minded as i would want them to be. and i dont want to force it down their throat and make them uncomfortable with me unnecessarily, because i love them too much. due to that, only a handful knows about this.

those who knows thinks its cool and rather sexy. in fact my dear beloved totally loves it and totally supports it. no surprise there, since he is a crazy psycho freak! (said that with love!)

i think i have known for quite awhile about my secret. ever since i was a teenager and i noticed that my focus is more to that than others. and i feel all tingly and goose bumps everywhere. and when i start dreaming of it, you would think i would realise it and admit it. but no. i thought it was just a fluke and my brain was just trying to mess with me or due to watching too much tv.

but i was forced to seriously think hard about it when i start imagining it, while im wide awake, in broad day light, more than once. at first it scared me, and i thought i was a freak. so i refuse to encourage it by thinking about it. i just keep telling myself i have a very high and wild imagination.

suddenly, one fine sunny day, all my hard work and discipline of forgetting about my lil secret, gone down the drain in a mili-second when the biggest 'test' hit me right in my face! unfortunately, i am a nice person so, i attract these 'tests' like a moth to a flame. but of course this particular 'test' did not know my secret. so, it was always there! just......lingering around me, enticing me and torturing me! and start becoming a huge major pain in the neck! i soooo want to take the 'test' and........!!! but my brains is telling me no, dont do it.

i was sooo torn and soooo tortured, until........... the 'test' gave me its answers! ALL access to the answers for me to fully use to take the 'test' and score!

and........i did.

oh god , i did! and i cant lie to you by saying its wrong and it made me feel like guilty, but it soooooo did not!! it was soooo good to finally be myself! all the pain and suffering of hiding my secret is gone! and, fyi - i scored the 'test' with flying colors!!

from then on, i did not feel like a big looser for having this secret. in fact it empowered me to be more confident and not really care what others think or say about me. and to start taking charge of my life. and not just sit on my ass and not do anything and allow others to just walk all over me! it was THE turning point in my life, where i am no longer the push over and transformed into this fierce confident sexy BITCH! :D

however, that does not mean i can shout out my secret to the whole world! its still a secret to many till today.

its ok. i am totally ok with it being a secret because the ones i care and love about the most knows about it and still loves me.

maybe one day i can and would tell the world about my secret. but till then, this is as far as i am willing to share. so for those that do not have a clue what the hell i have been ranting about in this blog, so sorry. if you dont know now, you will never know. so you would have to wait for that one day....

and for those who knows, you would understand this blog and smile. and i would like to say thank you for your support and love.

new stuff

2010-06-26T15:48:00.002+08:00

Ok, here are some of the stuff i got and im bloody excited about:

SHOES
Two very comfortable shoes from Pedal Works! Got a great strappy red platforms and not forgetting my super cool denim heels...nice!

JEANS
To many of you, jeans? whats the big deal? well, it is for me! its been like forever since i last own and worn jeans! i got d classic boot cut dark blue denim. i love it!

HANDBAGS
Well, cant be too detail about this topic coz i got a few of these, compliments from my dear hubby! but they were big and beautiful! but my favourite is my big brown and black Fendi bag!!

FRIENDS
Oh yeah baby! my beloved surprised me with this for me for our anniversary - and he gave it early! all 10 seasons in only 6 DVDs!! OMG! i will never ever be bored of watching Friends! Never! Thanks baby, I LOVE YOU!

last but not least......

BLACKBERRY
Yes, yes...... i finally got the IN mobile phone! i am soooooooo in love with it! i get to do almost everything i do online with it! i dont have to lugg my laptop around anymore to get online! its the best stuff i got this year, so far!

well, thats about it.

missing

2010-06-26T02:16:00.003+08:00

miss hugging you before i sleep

miss smelling your intoxicating scent

miss your strong arms around me

miss your kiss good night

miss kissing you goodnight

miss playing with your fingers

miss you soothing me with your fingers tracing my ear

miss waking up with you beside me

miss your cheerful morning voice greeting me

miss you pampering me

miss you calling me cute

miss your beautiful eyes, looking deep into my soul

miss your sexy lips smiling cheekily at me

miss you caressing my body with such tenderness

miss your craziness outlook of life

miss hearing you say ' i love you'

to sum it up...

i miss you,

my love

my best friend

my soul mate.

NOV 2010

2010-06-24T18:20:00.002+08:00

Yesssssss!!!

in NOV 2010 - Rizal, Diane and myself, will be going to.....

BEIJING, CHINA!!!!!!!

we will be there for 8 days and 7 nights!!!
this is Beijing City

And....it will be S N O W I N G !!!!!! YEY!!
This is The Forbidden City

This is The Great Wall of China

And this is the map of the Forbidden City!

Cant wait to go!!!

surprises in life

2010-06-24T15:34:00.003+08:00

isnt this a lovely picture?

whenever i look at it, i get overwhelmed with mixed feelings that incidently concurrent with recent incidents in my life.

yes, i know... i havent blogged for a long while. i have no solid excuse besides i just didnt feel like exposing too much of my vulnerability here.

but its time now.... its time to let it out. that is the main reson why i have this blog in the first place - to be able to channel all my feelings the healthy way.

where shall i begin? *sighs*

a lot has happened from the last time i blogged. there were good as well as bad moments. hence, the poetic picture above - it translates my feelings beautifully.

how can i express similar past problems differently? i understand that there will always be conflicts and disputes. though many dread and bitch about it, surprisingly those i can handle. if i have made a mistake, i shall apologise and learn from that mistake. i like constructive criticism as it would allow me to have some form of control of how best to handle the situation. but when it comes to trust and intergrity, especially mine - i am dead serious about it. i dont give my trust easily and i will avoid at all cost any situations that would give an oppurtunity to compromise my intergrity. my late father always said, we are measured not by our wealth and popularity, but by our integrity.

i know i have high expectations of others to feel, think and do as what i would do. dont ask me why, its just me. due to this trait, i am always disappointed.

the saddest part is that i am extremely disappointed by one of my closest person in my life. the person i least expect to hurt me as much as she did. due to the fact that she knows me for more than 20 years! therefore you would think she would know me better than anyone and would not intentionally hurt me. but alas, i am strongly mistaken.

the person that i have regarded as my best friend somehow felt that i do not deserve to be hers. instead she uses me to get to her lover. at first i didnt see it, or refuse to see it. but i cant deny it any longer when she shall rather be in the company people that betrayed her more than me. people that uses her in every way and is insincere towards her.

but as for me, all i want is to be able to be her friend and take care of her. but as usual, i am misunderstood.

but i am a strong woman. i have gone through many hurdles in life, far too many times to let her pull me down. if she doesnt want my friendship, its her loss. there are plenty out there that craves and yearns for strong bond of friendship that i have offered.

i wish you well and all the happiness in the world.

i miss you.... and i loved you.

enough said.

as for the 'rainbow after the rain' moment in my life:

i am planning to go Beijing for 8 days and 7 nights! and to make things better, i am going with my loved ones - Rizal and Diane. another new place for me to explore and check off my list! cant wait to see the Great Wall of China and The Forbidden City!

Another great moment is when realised i have a very very good best friend that was right under my nose and i didnt realise it. she quiet but strong presence has always served me well through my hardships. she has the traits that i only dare to dream about, like high patience, always have a positive outlook in life, crazy and funny and the most important factor is that she accepts me for who i am. and therefore i am always comfortable being around her.

Diane Julia Sundram - i am eternally grateful to have you in my life. thank you.

b a r e l y f l o a t i n g

2010-05-10T18:06:00.003+08:00

wow

it has been almost 2 months since i last blogged.

its not that i dont have anything to blog, i just dont have the time!

especially of late i am a one woman show in my department. everyday, i have tonnes to do and very little time to finish them all! i dont even notice how time flies so fast.

my days are so full that most of the time in these past few months i feel like i am just floating by. i feel like i can hardly breathe. and in extreme times i feel like im struggling to keep myself afloat. i feel like each time i am finally able to breathe easy, theres always elements to push me back in the water.

i am so fucking tired.

tired of bullshit that people give me.

tired of being underestimated.

tired of being taken for granted.

tired of being unappreciated.

*sighs*

there is so much more to tell but i dont know where to begin.

work, personal, family....

the usual headaches... but also some extremely happy moments in between! :D

wont do the report now....too exhausted.

but soon ....very soon...

and lets hope that time does not jet thru my life to another 2 months! :P

me

2010-03-01T14:36:00.006+08:00

Marcus Buckingham's Strong Life Test

Its quite accurate.....very interesting.

This is the results for my personality...

Your Lead Role
Advisor

You begin by asking:
'What is the best thing to do?'

Your thrill comes from knowing that you are the person others turn to for the answer. You don’t necessarily want to be the person who actually makes the changes happen. Rather, what excites you is being valued by others for your insight and your judgment.

Your best quality:
Your ability to find a solution

Always:
Search for data to support your advice

Be careful you:
Don’t get frustrated by other people’s failings

Your smartest career move:
Any job where you’re paid to be opinionated

Your Supporting Role
Weaver

You begin by asking:
'Who can I connect?'

You see the world as a web of relationships, and you are always excited by the prospect of connecting two new people within your web.

Your best quality:
Your genuine curiosity

Always:
Trust in your web of relationships

Be careful you:
Don’t push people together who shouldn’t be

Your smartest career move:
Any job where you’re paid to speed up the connection between people.

gambling galore

2010-02-16T12:31:00.002+08:00

yes, its that time of the year again.

its officially my favourite time of the year!

C H I N E S E N E W Y E A R!!

5 days of mahjong!!

many people may think hwats so great about playing mahjong?

the game itself - nothing.

but what comes while playing it - memories. now thats why i love it so much!

this game is the main and only reason of my bond with my parents in law. we got to know each other better through this game.

this year theres no big celebration, because its not a even a year yet since we lost father.

father.....i miss him. his quiet presence is irreplaceable.

thats why i love this game so much.

and oh, because i am also a compulsive gambler! hahahhahha!!

words

2010-02-16T12:05:00.002+08:00

was it it about words that come out from my mouth is always misinterpreted?

why is it that i care for others but when it comes to my own feelings.....

someone told me that the best way to lead one's life is to be truthfull at all times, to speak my mind. but i have learnt that i cant fully 100% practice that way of life. because no one can fully take it.

and why is it that each time i tell people things that others wont, i feel like im being punished for it? why is it that i feel shitty after being honest?

i dont like feeling shitty, so what do i do? i hold my tongue.

i dont lie, i just dont tell people my true feelings and i just follow what others want me to feel or do.

why do i do this you may ask? because i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings.

the truth is i have been doing this for...all my life! i admit that i have improved by not being a total push over, and not lie to accomodate others. i have just mastered the art of 'go-with-the-flow' without lying.

but im hurting now.

trully hurting.

i cant seem to talk to anyone about how i truly, truly feel. because everyone has certain expectations of me.

sometimes i feel like screaming! i cry, sometimes, really cry my heart out.

but dont get me wrong, im happy with my life, i wouldnt trade it for anything in the world, and i am extremely grateful for having what i have.

i am just tired. because i feel like i'm doing all the work to take care of everyone's feelings but what about how i feel?

look, i dont care about the world, and what i am to the rest, but to the most important people....i care and cherish them a lot to not want to hurt them.

each time i try to express how i feel, its potrayed like im a fucking selfish bitch! so i have a lot of 'half-way expressing of feeling' times. i started out with detemination to fully expressing myself, but end up with shutting up, smiling and saying, 'its ok, im ok'.

theres 2 people in my life that contributes to me blogging about this. 2 most important people in my life. i love them to death. but they will be the death of me! they always put me in a position where i feel torn, shitty and screwed up!!

i wont tell them about all this. i just needed to vent without feeling like as ass!

god, help me get through my life, please.

crazzzzzy cool bosses

2010-02-12T17:07:00.002+08:00

its so near to my fav holiday - CNY! another 2 more days!

today is the last day of work before i go for off for 8 days leave!! woohoo!!

so you would think why am i at work today, its gonna be boring and blah blah blah...

but u dont work in my company! where my bosses are damn cool and crazzy!!

this is what my HODs and COO is doing now....while waiting til end of the day...

they are playing Cho Tai Tee!!

i am so happy working here!

i love them so much!

saman pak, saman.....

2010-02-08T12:37:00.003+08:00

i know, i know...

i havent blogged for quite awhile now. i hv been pretty busy, which i think is good right?

updates:

work is work - ups and downs.

personal - well, i finally paid my summons! all 14 of 'em!! :P

it was nerve recking! i got help from my cousin (on my dad's side). she works in bukit aman. so i had to go there to pick up the slip that gave me total discount on my summons. without that, i have to pay nearly 3k!! with the discount i only pay half! *phew* thank god and of course my dear cousin.

my dearie hubby went with me, after i persuaded him to! coz i was scared. anyway, he read the slip and gave a news that almost made my eyes popped out of my head! there was already a warrant issued out for me!!!!! oh dear god!!

i was a fugitive!! :P

thank god i paid all! in my defence, i have been trying to pay since middle last year, but there was always things that got in the way. n i when my road tax was expiring, i had to push things to work!

i vow not to put myself through that again! i have subscribed to sms alerts with the police so that if i have any summons, they would sms me immediately and the sooner o pay up, the more discounts i get!

well, so far thats the only drama happened, that i can remember of course!

Andrenalin pumping cumsss!!!

2010-01-10T00:31:00.004+08:00

It was phenomenal!

Beyond words!

For the first time in my life, i placed 100% trust on another driver and get to totally enjoy the high andrenalin pumping experience of my life!!

I was in the passenger seat with Tengku Djan - Asia's Drift King - drifting for 2 glorious rounds!

At first, truth be told, i was mind numbingly scared as i am so used to and love driving and only trust myself to drive. When others drive - i get car sick!

But i closed my eyes for a few seconds and repeatedly told myself to trust Djan, he is a professional, he is the best....and then...OMG!

It was......no words can do it justice! I actually get to see for myself, a glimpse of what its like when Djan drifts!

He was so cool, composed, naturally turning, changing gears...its as if he was born to drift! Now i truly understand why he is the best in Asia.

And to complete the whole 'package' he is extremely nice and accomodating, always have that charming yet cheeky smile, and so patient with some very fanatical fans' demands.

And when i say fans - oh man has he got fans from all walks of life! From the usual 'adoring' young male adults, screaming chickadees (me included), to (shockingly!) very unexpected fan/stalkers!! There are 2 good examples that i saw for myself: a tudung-wearing-married-with-kids-matured-serious-looking 'kakak' to small, scrawny, geeky, serious hard core guy that in my opinion the word 'fan' is so far from what he is that it is a dot to him!!

But i dont blame those fanatics to be sooo engrossed with Djan. He is a total package! Great drifter, great personality with great looks!

I am so proud that he is representing Federation D and of course - Malaysia!

Will defeinitely update more in the future! And it is much easier for me because i was just offered by H to be formally involve in Federation D to handle all their events and sponsorships!!! He is giving me some allowance for that! Which to me by surprise as i was willing to do it for free because i love events like this and love organising it! Well, thats hitting 2 birds with 1 stone! Alhamdulillah...

Next event is in Jakarta! Dont know yet if I'm going, but u sure hope i do!! :D

I am sooo fucking happy!!

sayonara 2009.... ola 2010!

2009-12-31T13:27:00.003+08:00

2009

its been a great year for me.

yes i have my down moments, but i think i have more good times than bad.

i am truly blessed.

i am growing even more stronger in self confidence. i am more and more comfortable in my own skin.

i have learned not to conform to what others expect of me or expect me to become.

i have learned to be more patient and tolerant.

i have learned not to have too much expectations of others.

i have confessed 1 thing that i have kept to myself for far too long, to the one and only person i trust with my deepest darkest secret - my hubby, and it felt great! all the while i thought he would despise me for it, ended up with him being supportive and quite relief? go figure!

i even have people accusing me of being snobbish because i dont mingle or attend their functions as often as they would like. excuse me for having a career and life outside that circle. i will never apologise for living my life to how i want to.

when i first heard this, i smiled and laughed. usually this is not how i would react to this kind of news. but i did. i laughed because it sounded so ridiculous! and i was sad that they think that way. how narrow minded are they? oh well....i let them be and moved on.

i am proud of what i am now. and i am happy those i care, accpet and proud of me too.

i may not pass some people's idea of perfection, but i know i am perfect for me.

i am glad to report - I AM HAPPY.

so, 2010....i am ready to face whatever you toss my way!

Insya Allah...

ultimate andrenalin rush!

2009-12-31T12:54:00.005+08:00

It was my first time...

I was excited and yet nervous...

I keep telling myself, this is strictly professional, its work...dont mix it with personal feelings. But i cant help it. It was too cool!

I attended my first drift event! It was superb!

I cannot even begin to describe the feeling i get when i saw how these skillfull drivers drift.

My company is one of the main sponsors for the drivers of Federation D. One of the drivers is No.1 in Malaysia and No.3 in South East Asia!! It also helps that he is cute! He is Tengku Djan. My boss, H, is also very much into cars and especially drift. He in fact is participating actively next year!

We have a booth in those two glorious days of drift events. So, to me it was hitting 2 birds with 1 stone - help my company and get to enjoy the event as well!

This is our booth. The car parked in front is my boss'. He will be using that car to compete next year.

Tengku Djan and me... this is after he won the Formula Drift Malaysia!

Me and the paddock girls. From left to right: Cindy, Me, Sofea and Esther. They are the hottest girls in the whole event! :P

Me, the paddock girls and the Federation D drivers. From left: Tan Tat Wei, Tengku Djan and Alvin Lau.

Me and my cute cool boss - H. I am blessed to be working for him. I hope to stay working with him for many many years to come!

What a great way to end my 2009! And i have a strong feeling that 2010 would give plenty of adventures!

Bring it on! :D

i dont care

2009-12-16T11:09:00.003+08:00

i dont care...

...what people think of me - bitchy, fat, obnoxious, etc..
...whether people like me or not
...if people are talking bad stuff behind my back
...if people dont like how i do stuff
...if people dont like me smoking
...if people dont like me drinking
...if they dont like what i write in my blog
...if people dont like what i wear
...if people think im a looser
...if people think my friends are loosers
...if people think im not at their level
...if people dont like my hubby
...if people think im cold
...if people think im full of myself

i just D O N T C A R E!

its my life.

why should i care. in the past i cared too much on what other think of me, and i was miserable!!

but when i learn that i cant please everybody, fuck it! im gonna live my life, my way!

and i have been practising this mantra as my way of life for the past 6 years, and its been great!

im totally comfortable in my own skin.

i am happy.

and i am proud of myself - because others may not have 'found' themselves even until the day they die.

in fact i see others slowly begining to understand my lifestyle and have accepted me for what i am. and some even have implemented it in their life, and i see that they are much happier.

i pity those people that cares so much on what others think of them. the type of people that have this need to want to be popular all the time.

i know that im a bitch. at least i know it, am proud of it and am happy with it. and with this lifestyle, it has its benefits but it also has its, errmm...downside a bit. one of it is that i know im not the popular one. i use to worry and be unhappy that im unpopular, but now, i dont care.

if you dont like what i write in here, dont read it. no one is putting a gun to your head to read it. i never go to your blog or territory and tell you what to write and what not to write! its my god damn blog! i write what i want.

at least i have the gutts to say things that people only dare think and not say it out loud.

now i live my life by just being out right straight and not waste time. its much more efficient and consumes less energy.

trust me people, this is the best way to live your life. much better than being bound by what the society says is best.

screw 'em! its your life! so live it your way! life is too short for you to bow to others all the time.

theres only one that you bow to, and that is God.

breath of fresh air

2009-12-14T10:13:00.003+08:00

it took me long enough, but at last, i finally got to redecorate my office.

after 1 year being in this company... didnt get to do so when i first came in is because i was always travelling, every week! now im based mostly in KL, i have a bit more time. and i needed to perk myself up, becasue im all alone in this dept that once had 4 people in it. and it hit me bad after i lost sita... then i thought, my office looks messy and depressing. and i was always 'camping' downstairs.

then i realise thats not my office...

i emailed to my boss asking for permission, and he replied by saying: 'your state of mind, is your level of work'.

then last week, with Selvi's (the cleaner/tea lady) help, i decided to do something about my office's pathetic state.

well, better late than never, right?

i finally feel i belong.

i feel more comfortable and...yes, happier.

doesnt it look nice, neat and classy?

i have even made provision should they wanna take another staff. i even get to have a little discussion area in there. and still its spacious...

now, this is me. no more getting lectured about how messy my table is!

most of the things i brought from home.

the vase, pillow, table runner... rizal bought for me the little aquarium because he knows i want a living thing in my office, and he knows i lke fishes....there's 4 fishies in it. they are so cute and active! the orchid is not real, believe or not! it looks very real right? im glad i bought it, it sure adds color in this very white room. i cant get a live one, because my room does not have a window.

me in my lil cosy corner! :D

well, thats my room. i guess this is my way of 'pee-ing' on it to mark my territory! i dont care, i love it! :P

f u c k o f f

2009-12-11T14:36:00.004+08:00

u guys are probably wondering, oh oh, who is the nut that made me angry? hahah...

dont worry, im not soo angry but just pissed off and annoyed to hell! unfortunately there are many morons out there that just dont get the message.

*sighs*

especially families...

but this time is not about me. its about a very very good friend of mine that has finally snapped and giving everyone that gave her a hard time this:

yes! she finally cracked and voiced out her frustration! i knew that this day would come.

i am just sad that she had to wait till her life is soooo fucked up to flip! all these years, her family has always dictated how she should live her life. it pains me to see her in those situations. but no matter what, i have never given up on her, even though many said she is a lost cause. no, i dont believe that. i may have changed how i say things to her, or just be an ear for her to vent things out, but i have always told her to tell off these idiots! that this is her life! just give them a big old:

i really dont get her family. dont they want her to be happy? cant they see that they are hurting her instead of helping her?? cant they see they are ruining her life? yes i admit, she has made mistakes and errors that make us go..WTF?...but who hasnt? im sure we have gone through that crazzy decisions in life, at least once in our lifetime! but these mistakes are the ones that makes us stronger and hopefully wiser. and family is suppose to help us get back on our feet and support us through those trying times. not ridicule, belittle and push our heads under water!

yes! thats what her family is doing to her! and when she finally stood up for herself, they say she is a rebel, an ungrateful daughter/sister! just becasue her stand differs from theirs, therefore its wrong and she is stupid!

OMG! get out from underneath that rock will ya!! and sadly enough, these stupid remarks and actions come from educated people that have seen the world! how can their mind be so narrow still??? that still baffles me, even though i have seen many like them before. i still dont get it.

yes, her current decision is not the popular one, but its hers to make. i have my own personal opinion to what i think is best for her. i voice it out as an advice, but what she decides at the end of the day, is 1000% hers and hers alone to make.

i hate people that think 'im holier than thou' when their life is clearly no where near the fecinity of anything remotely holy! look, im no angel too, but i dont go around preeching how others should live their life!

AAAHHH! Fuck it! im sick and tired of her and people like her! out of respect and request from my best friend, i shall not mention your name, but i shall still have my say about you!

And this is especially for you, stupid whore!

You are a law graduate for God's sake! you study different methodology and ideas from various types of people and you cant even accept your sister's decisions in life? you cant even be a sister to just be there for her? she is not even asking for anything, and what did she get? millions of stab wounds behind her back! from people that share the same father and mother! who the fuck are you to tell ANYONE how to live their fucking life! whereas your own pathetic life is far from stable! you have 1 kid, no job, filthy rich husband - and you think you know whats best for others??? really??? if your answer is YES, than you are much more stupid that i thought!

remember, i know ALL your past shit! and reflecting on that, you dare call her a rebel? ungrateful? you are the most ungrateful person i have met! and this is not even me talking about how you 'remember' my parents' role in your life! because, hey, after all, my parents are not blood, right? but your own sister? she has always been there for you, through your endless bitching and whining about your poor little rich life! you may say that wealth is not everything. thats true, and i have seen many millionaires that is totally unhappy. but you dont see them telling others how to live their lives, do you??

so, conclusion is.. SHUT D FUCK UP and mind your own fucking business! And for God's sake, leave her alone to live her life. if her decision is a mistake and in the future she gets screwed over, it was her decision and she learn something from that blunder, the hard way. but thats life!

do me a favour, just stay in that Nazi land! it fits your character to the tee!! and she doesnt need you. i think thats whats pissing you off huh? that she realised that she doesnt need you in her life! that she is doing just fine without you. after all, you constantly need to be the center of attraction and anything and everything that happens in this world, is all about you in the end1 talk about classic narcissist = "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy". yup! thats you!

you see, in order to be a really good family or friend to someone, you not only accept their good behaviour, but their flaws as well! you empathise their problems and feelings, you be there for them, at anytime, anywhere. thats how true honest relationships are built and sustained!

i may not have a degree, but it doesnt take a fucking genius to figure that out! its common sense! which i see is not commonly used by many, including you.

thats it. im not gonna talk about you anymore. you're just wasting my time and space here in my blog. but i still do it because i have had it! if it were up to me, i would be saying this straight to your face! but i respect my best friend's wishes and not 'play with pigs - coz i will get dirrty and you will be happy'! im just gonna flush you down the drain!

anyhooooo....

Sita, we have been friends since we were in kindy! thats 25 years!!!

i love you, and no matter where you go, i will always be here for you. i am so proud of you... you have finally found some voice and backbone. soon, you will get your full spine and roar to those who have wronged you. and i shall be waiting there, right beside you, helping you fight them off! welcome to the club babe! now, you're on your way in becoming a bitch! i like! :D

this blog is dedicated to all of your ENEMIES! because your enemies, are mine as well!

the war is on!

self realisation

2009-12-05T00:45:00.003+08:00

If I had no more time
No more time left to be here
Would you cherish what we had?
Was it everything that you were looking for?
If I couldn't feel your touch
And no longer were you with me
I'd be wishing you were here
To be everything that I'd be looking for
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again

How many really know what love is?
Millions never will
Do you know until you lose it
That it's everything that we are looking for
When I wake up in the morning
You're beside me
I'm so thankful that I found
Everything that I been looking for

I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

So everytime you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
(can you do that for me baby)
Every time you touch me
(see we don't really know)
Touch me like this is the last time
(see everyday we never know)
Promise that you'll love me
(I want you to promise me)
Love me like you'll never see me again
(like you'll never see me again)

"Like you'll never see me again" by Alicia Keys

These words describe exactly how i felt a couple of days ago. It was not from lack of attention from him or he ddint call or he didnt express himself well.....nothing of that sort.

When i didnt hear his voice the whole day, it suddenly popped in my head that this is a glimpse of my life if he is no longer with me.

And it broke my heart...it was physicaly painful, not to mention emotionally disturbing. I have never felt like this before.

I hated him for making me feel this way! And i told him so. i cant believe i did that but i did.

i know its not fair for him, but i had too. it was just too overwhelming.

but of course he soothed me and made me smile again. and only he can do that.

damn it!

in my younger days, i vowed not to end up physically or emotionally dependant on anyone, especially men. because i have seem marriages fail and mostly due to men's sheer stupidity.

but this man...has manage to not only steal my heart, but has successfully made me think i am unable to love no one else other than him.

i just pray to God, he will never break my heart.

Please yayang...dont. because you have all of me, and i mean A L L.

i turn to u

2009-12-04T15:07:00.004+08:00

When I'm lost in the rain,
In your eyes I know I'll find the light to light my way.
And when I'm scared and losing ground;
When my world is going crazy, you can turn it all around.

And when I'm down you're there; pushing me to the top.
You're always there; giving me all you've got.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that's true,
I turn to you.

When I lose my will to win,
I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again.
I can do anything,
'Cause your love is so amazing; 'cause your love inspires me.

And when I need a friend, you're always on my side;
Giving me faith that gets me through the night.

For a shield from the storm;
For a friend; for a love
To keep me safe and warm,
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong;
For the will to carry on;
For everything you do;
For everything that's true,
I turn to you.

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain;
For truth that will never change;
For someone to lean on;
for a heart I can rely on through anything;
For that one who I can run to....
I turn to you.

I love u sayang. Thank you for being my best friend and soul mate.

zzzzz

2009-12-02T10:31:00.002+08:00

i cant get a good night sleep these past few days.

i dont know why..

some say maybe because i have problems or maybe i am sad or depressed...

but im not.

yeah i do have small problems but its being settled and its not too big of a problem.

i even went to bed early thinking that maybe me sleeping late most of the time was the problem.

but that didnt work either.

i woke up still sleepy and tired!

my nights are filled with really active dreams that woke me up several times a night. but if u ask me to tell you what are my dreams - i seriously cant remember!

weird huh?

i desperately need to get some good zzz! if not i will become a zombie and in the long run, i will be very edgy and irritable - and i will start lashing it out on others. especially my yayang.

so, gonna find remedies to help me sleep better..

wish me luck!

a familiar feeling...

2009-11-30T10:01:00.002+08:00

had a very interesting long weekend.

my whole lil family was present.

had a surprisingly pleasant time with my her.

it was nice and ...... familiar.

its been so long since we get to talk like that without turning it into a big fight.

finally understood what is she doing and why.

i now support and respect what she's doing. its not easy and not everyone can do it.

over all, it was a very relaxing weekend with the family.

i bet Dad is smiling down on us.

love you Dad..... love you all.

broken heart

2009-11-25T17:22:00.007+08:00

sad is an understatement of the century if i am forced to decribe how i feel right now. i think heart broken is the nearest to what i am going through right now.

i am sad that i am included in the same group as those morons that did not fully support and belittled you from the begining.

i am just very confused with what you said and what you wrote, because its contradicting. i have never stopped or criticised you for expressing yourself. in fact i dare take the credit for unleashing your new outspoken self. before this what did you do? be honest. you cry, keep quiet and after awhile, make as if nothing happen. and after a long while, you even forgave them and be nice back to them. i dont really understand why but i still have very much respect for you because it takes a bigger person to do what you do. but after awhile you bitched that you are being ridiculed and pushed around and you're fed up. so, who told you to stand up for what you believe in and just speak up?

if you conveniently forgotten all those long talks we have, then i have nothing to say.

if you are telling me now that you want to forget what we have been through, then i have nothing to say.

if you are telling me that i too cant express how i feel honestly about you, then i have nothing to say. at least i am honest with you. you prefer me to sweet talk to you but later bad mouth you behind your back like the rest?

i have NEVER shut you out like the rest in your life. i just simply told you i am tired of looking at you contradict everything that you said and later get burned.

thats all.

i still and always will have your pictures in my handphone and ipod.

i have never stopped loving you.

i have never stopped supporting you.

i am even crying as i am typing this now.

i have known you for 26 years! and you have really hit me straight through the heart this time...

but you know what?

call me stupid but i will still be here for you, when you need me, because thats what i vowed to you and i will keep my word.

it pains me that you misunderstood me. but its alright.

i refuse to say good bye. because i will always be here for you.

i wish nothing but the best for you. i only want you to be happy.

you will forever be in my heart...

i love you, always...

e n o u g h

2009-11-21T13:33:00.002+08:00

stop

please

just stop

i am so fuckin tired

tired of listening to the same chant but i know ....

i just know la

i am not tired of being there for you

supporting you

loving you

being your best friend even if you dont want me to be anymore

i am not tired of that

but i am tired of going through the same song and dance

even though you are telling the world you are different

you are more determined

you are stronger

you are starting anew

throwing out the garbage

trust me i want to believe you

but untill u stick to it.....

*sighs*

i am tired

just wake me up when you have succeeded in what you have vowed to do and not do

love you still babe

its just that.....

i am tired

i am a L I O N E S S

2009-11-20T10:21:00.008+08:00

I was listening to this song this morning, and I smiled. The lyrics are sooo empowering. And i think its befitting for a close friend of mine that is going through a rough patch in her life. This song paint an exact picture of how i live my life. So, I hope it would help you to find your stand and to identify who you are.

"Now that you're out of my life
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you
But I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you
But I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without you
Now I'm wiser
Thought that I'd be helpless without you
But I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without you
Sold 9 million

I'm a survivor
I'm not gon give up
I'm not gon stop
I'm gon work harder
I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it
I will survive
Keep on survivin

Thought I couldn't breathe without
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought it would be over by now
But it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still gon be here

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
('m better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Integrity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the internet
Cause my mama taught me better than that

After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround my self with positive things
I'll gain prosperity"

"I'm a Survivor" - Destiny's Child.

Ok, thats it. I am fed up of trying to keep motivating people that clearly are half bake-all talk, no action-hypocrites. Enough about this continuous dependent-i have no choice-low self esteem-im a victim-crap! Because no matter how strong the lyrcis are, or no matter if you have gazzillion people that support and believe in you, but if you do not fully believe, or put your 200% and do things half heartedly - then what is the fuckin point?? You'r not in your teens to be always this fucked up and lost. But then again - OLD DOGS NEVER LEARN NEW TRICKS. They just package it differently - but its still the same old trick.

Moral of the story: Dont be a dog, be a...

L I O N E S S - Beautiful, Independant, Calm and Confident, Fierce yet Feminine.

I AM A LIONESS

I am what I am

2009-11-18T12:51:00.010+08:00

"According to you
I'm stupid, I'm useless, I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time, even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.

According to you
I'm boring, I'm moody, you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span; you're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not, according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me dizz-ay.

According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful, incredible, he can't get me out of his head.

According to him
I'm funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
According to you"

sang by: Orianthi - According to him

So for those that think I am not all that - EAT YOUR HEART OUT!

Coz I AM ALL THAT! :P

R E V E L A T I O N

2009-11-17T22:09:00.007+08:00

everybody that sees me would say, i have it all.

if they mean i am happy - then yes, i am happy.

but do i have it all?

i wasnt well these past few days, and my hubby was nothing but a perfect partner. he was caring, soothe me when im in pain, bought me lots of comfort food.....

but all of a sudden i just realise the awful painful fact - i dont have friends that are originally mine. all was 'referred' by my hubby...

i went thru every one of my friends, and all of them can be traced back to rizal.

then i start to wonder would they still be my friends if rizal is not around anymore? he is the glue, the common factor.....

am i that hard to be with? am i that repulsive to be with?

then i start to dive in deeper in my intimate thoughts and start to diving into a very sensitive and heart wrenching issue that i shoved at the back of my head...

i told my hubby, i dont want to end up like my mom - dependant on her kids. come to think of it, i will never end up that way, coz i do not even have kids!

the image of me being pregnant or being a mother is getting further away from me, year by year. i have a strong feeling i will never assume that role. i just dont see it. i cant picture it. maybe its for the best coz im so fucked up myself, how can i ever raise a kid to not be me?

i think this bothers me more than i realise. i dont know how to explain it. even though this topic is never discussed...but its there. painfully there.

so, if my hubby is not in my life anymore, am i alone?

he is my only true best friend, the only one that understands me, the only one that can stand me! without him......

*sighs*

this is not self pity - this is just hard core facts - self realisation. i have already accepted and embraced what i am, now i have to accept what i most probably end up being.

hey, i am ok. i am strong. i have always been on my own in a way. im different than anyone in my family. different from my relatives.....

i'l get by....i'll survive.

i will...

but i cant deny that i am... a f r a i d.

The Ultimate Ride

2009-11-17T13:20:00.004+08:00

C O N Q U E S T K N I G H T X V

It was love at first sight!

It is manufatcured as an armoured car. Its not bullet proof, its GRENADE proof!!

It used to be for the Army (D'UH!), but now they are making it for civilians!

It is also luxurious and comfortable.

And it is one fuckin huge ass car!

Its 8 feet long for God's sake!

Check out the bloody interior! And its all customised to the client's needs.

Isnt it a beauty?

Not gonna say much but THIS is my UTIMATE DREAM CAR!

Its only USD 310,000 ++!!!

You wanna know more about this car, go: http://conquestvehicles.com

Soon, baby...soon. You will be mine!

M A B U H A I

2009-11-10T17:00:00.002+08:00

Manila.

I plan to go there with friends next year.

Do you know that Manila is called the Asian "Paris"?

Cool huh?

Pray that I get to go!

Manila - here I come!

aaarrgghhh

2009-11-10T00:17:00.004+08:00

F U C K O F F

G O D I E

Y O U A R E N O T W O R T H M Y T I M E

P R E T E N T I O U S W H O R E

I W I S H I H A V E N E V E R M E T Y O U

I am a B I T C H

2009-11-08T20:14:00.005+08:00

Some people wonders why am I so stubborn?

Why am I always so angry?

Why am I always bruttally honest?

Why do I do what I do...

Let me explain as plain as possible so that all the imbeciles out there are able to understand as this would be the first and last time I explain myself... so, here goes nothing...

Stubborn? Its just because I believe that my suggestions or opinions are/were good for me or for someone that I care (because I only give those to people that I care! D'uh!) and also because I have back bone! Careful, this might be a new term to most of you out there!

Angry? Maybe because I always see intelligent people get run over by morons??

Brutally Honest? Its the most efficient way to get the message across!

And last but not least...

Do What I Do.... Because its my life and I do what I fucking hell I like la! I dont fuck care what you think!

So, now you may wonder whats wrong with me?

Oooh, theres absolutely NOTHING wrong with me.

I am just... a.... B I T C H!

....and damn proud of it! (its on my fuckin blog title, for God's sake la!)

The Bitch that I am proudly referring to is the type that every woman should have and i am quite sure have in them. They just need to have the gutts to unleash it every once in awhile. Especially when you are pushed to the wall and you are in a cross road whether to follow the herd and compromise your principles and happiness OR stand up for yourself and ask them to take a hike!

A Bitch is self assured and damn comfortable in their own skin. And most importantly, do not care what the fuck society think of them.

A Bitch does not run away from problems, but face it with a mischevious smile and says "Bring it!"

Yes, these Bitches may not have tonnes of friends but they have a handful of great friends and truth be told, that is the best! What is the fucking point of having a bunch of leeches that will suck the life out of you, and when theres nothing left, dump you and move on to the next chump!

Now, in my life, I havent met that many Bitches, but there are many 'Wannabes' but when there are circumstances arise when their inner Bitches should emerge and take over - they chicken out!

Do you have the following traits or characteristics?
- meek
- timid
- push over
- low or no self esteem
- dependant
- whiny
- constantly wallow in self pity
- cares a lot of what society thinks of you and what you do
- thinks you are a a looser
- a pesimist
- blames everything and anything bad that happened to them, on fate
- intelligent but still lets people shove their ideas and opinions down your throat
- and other looser behaviour, habits and attributes (too many to write down la!)

So, if you are all that and more, you are definitely NOT a Bitch. So stop self proclaiming that you are one!

Look, basically being a Bitch is simply liberating yourself to live your life according to how think is the best for you.

I have lived with this principle for the past 4 years+! And girls, let me tell you, its addictive! Once you are a Bitch, you dont want to go back to being your old looser self!

For those that wanna break free from the numb minding rut, dont worry. Its never too late. You just need to have balls and determination to want to. Once you have that, then there are steps to becoming it, which i will post in another post.

For those that is offended by this post, i just wanna say...........

I DONT GIVE A FUCK! Its my bloody blog! Dont like what you read, move fuckin on! I wont die without you! You are probably one of the whiny annoying weak loosers anyway!

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!

broken heart

2009-11-05T23:28:00.002+08:00

where do i begin?

how do i describe how i feel about loosing a 25 years relationship?

no words can do it justice.

you know me more than anyone else i know. you know me more than my own family. i can be totally myself with you and be proud of it.

if i am loosing you to a better environment, i really dont mind. but, this new, unchartered territory...and for it to turn bad is high.

i worry...a lot! my heart literally hurts at the thought of loosing you.

i hope and pray he appreciates what you are doing for him. he sooo do not deserve it, do not deserve you.

i have a new found respect for you for deciding something this heavy and difficlut.

i pray nothing but happiness for you, my dear. you deserve nothing but the best.

no one can ever take your place.

so, i dont care where are you going to be, you shall always be in my heart.

you are the true definition of best friend.

and i am extremely grateful that you are my best friend.

thank you for being in my life.

i am truly honored.

i love you

doubts

2009-10-01T11:41:00.006+08:00

i hate this uneasy feeling. i hate having doubts. i hate that i no longer have that trust.

i am crying inside.

i am in pain, deeply.

im sick to my stomach - feel like puking.

Mencintaimu...
Seumur hidupku
Selamanya...
Setia menanti
Walau di hati saja...
Seluruh hidupku
Selamanya...
Kau tetap milikku

Hanya satu yang tak mungkin kembali
Hanya satu yang tak pernah terjadi
Sgalanya...
Teramat berarti di hatiku
Selamanya...

Mencintaimu...
Seumur hidupku
Selamanya...
Kau tetap milikku

- "Mencintaimu" Kris Dayanti

i have faith.

i shall hold on to that.

shoe freak!

2009-10-01T11:21:00.003+08:00

stands up, looks around and said in a soft yet clear tone of voice:

"hello, i am yana and i am a shoe-holic...."

yes, i am. i need help. i L O V E shoes!! all types of shoes!

sandals - flats or heels
boots - ankle, calf, knee cut and flats or heels
strappy shoes
sexy shoes
s&m looking shoes
matron-looking working shoes
cheapy-pasar-malam-shoes
expensive-shopping-mall-shoes
branded shoes
no brand shoes

i love them ALL!!

whenever i go to places, especially malls, even when just recently bought shoes, when i pass by shoe stores, i will always look. and i will always spot one that i like. oh God!

and it doesnt help that my beloved indulges me and pampers me. i know he wants to make me happy and for that i thank him. i love you yayang.

aaahh! to hell with it! i shall embrace this weakness of mine and be proud of it!

long live to shoppoholics!! long live shoe-holics!! :P

trembles

2009-10-01T10:46:00.004+08:00

i was swaying..

i literally felt myself moving from left to right. i tought i was very dizzy and about to faint. that is not good because i am in the middle of training.

but when i heard whisperings from other saying that they felt movement, i looked up at the chandeliar. it was shaking hard and getting faster.

i immediately stopped the training and ordered everyone to head out calmly and to follow hotel staff orders.

my main concern was the trainees safety. when i didnt see sita, i thought, ok, she went down with the others. so, i waited fo rthe hotel staff to lock the training room as i have laptops there. few leaders stick around with me, and then all of a sudden i heard sita shouting and running towards me n hugged me. she frantically told me in a shrieking voice that its earthquake and we must get out fast! she said when she was told we are experiencing earthquake, she immediately thought of me. that was sooo sweet. and funny looking at her panicking.

i dont know why, i was so calm, too calm i guess. i was walking leisurely and laughing... until i was outside of the hotel, and saw people were grouping and heard some of them expressing their fear.. then it dawned on me what had happened, and i got scared of rizal's safety, and called him. once i found out that he was ok (he was in KK), he wasnt effected, i was truly reliefed.

then i finally got a bit scared of what had happened. of the thought of i could have been underneath the hotel rubble.

this was my second time that i experienced the quake. the first time was in singapore, when i joined rizal fo rhis training there. that was worse. i was alone, sleeping in the hotel room, on the 20th floor. the trembles woke me up as i felt myself sliding left to right on the bed. my heart stopped and i immediately called rizal.

even though it was a bit of scare for me, i didnt see my life flashing before my eyes, like some people would experience when facing a possible near death incident. but i am awfully proud of myself for not reacting and stayed calm and ensuring other in my care was put out of harm's way.

Alhamdulillah....

Ni How Ma...

2009-09-26T20:44:00.005+08:00

I AM GOING TO CHINA!!!!!

Its a company trip. We will have our Recognition Day on the 17th October 2009 at Armada Hotel, PJ. Then we must be at the airport before 10pm.

I am sooooo excited!! Its my first time going to China and I have heard great stuff about it! And the best part is, I get to share it with my beloved hubby.

We'r going for 4D/3N. We'r going to Shanghai and Hangzhou. We are gonna visit our plant there - which is super cool!

Ooooh, I cant wait!!

SHANGHAI

HANGZHOU

And you guys know what this means right? SHOPPING!!! (oh God! I need HELP!)

Will definitely update after I come back!! :D

Raya - The Good & The Ugly

2009-09-26T19:20:00.004+08:00

20hb September 2009

Its that time of the year again. Its Hari Raya Aidilfitri. How fast time flies. It seems like just yesterday we celebrated raya.

*The Good*
Our theme color was maroon. That was the best - shopping for our clothes. I love my baju kurung! Yes, this year my dear hubby requested me wearing baju kurung. I also love my accessories - they're black and and yet still glamourous. And paired with my sexy sexy heels...mmhmm...nice! Unfortunately, everyone forgot to take photos of us wearing it! Maybe later on la..

Mom's baju raya that we bought for her from Bangkok was beautiful and was beautifully made. Thank you Kim! You are the man (well, woman)!

I cooked. I missed cooking. And thank God I still got it! My fried macaroni and daging dendeng was great! Not forgetting, Achot's phenomenal, fiery rendang itik! Thanks Achot!

The open house was nice. Much thanks to thoese who came:

Mother, Mark & Terena, Kao Fu,Joey & Michelle

H & Jo

Ben Beh

Benny (and kids) & Danny

Frankie

Ben Jern & Stella

You guys really made my day! I am happy you liked my cooking. Thank you soooo much!

I got great flowers for my late Dad. This year was roses. I got him this huge salmon orange big China roses. It was BEAUTIFUL! And to top it all off, i got 1 big plastic bag of pretty colorful rose petals! I love it! He deserved it. God! I miss him terrribly! Love you, Papa!

Last but not least of my good moments during raya was when my sister, my brother in law, my hubby and I 'bonded'. We chit chatted til wee hours of the morning - 4am!! Tuty and Feizal updated us (Rizal and I) about the their latest gossips, back stabbings in their political career. It was...err...interesting?Anyhoo, we exchange sotries of our travel antics! We laughed and laughed. It was great and definitely memorable. I cant remember when was the last time we talked this much without any arguments. I guess us meeting once in awhile helped us to be very civil towards each other, without killing each other!

*The Ugly*

Hmm...What can I say about this part.

I love these people in my life, but sometimes...aaarrrrgghhh!! (shouts real damn loud in frustration!)

My dear dear beloved hubby, Rizal - I love you to death but you gotta pay more attention and observe if I need a helping hand. I know you told me to let you know and instruct you on what to do, but sometimes whenI am in the momentum - its knda hard to do that. If you can be brilliantly observant and have high sense of initiative, why cant you try to apply the same in our marriage? We have talked about this, and I am so happy and touched that you understood and vowed to try to be more observant and pro active in helping me. I know you dnt knowingly and intentionnaly want to hurt me. I love you, yayang.

Alyssa - If you come for Raya to just sit on your ass and help your 'family'.. do me a favour, dont come back. I gave you 1 duty - beverage. And I am the one that keeps an eye on it and tell you what to do? I might as well do it myself. You only do 1 thing... oh God!

The least favourite moment I must say is on the 3rd day Raya, after my open house, with...Mum. First of all, you left with Tuty to go to the same house you visited on 1st day raya with me. And your in laws are coming!! Yes, it is my open house, and if its just my friends, I dont really mind. But your in laws are coming! Of course they asked for you. And on top of that, this was the first time mother coming to Raya without Father. How could you, mum? You should have seen Mother's face when she knows you werent around.. Both Rizal was sad and I was pist! It was so inconsiderate! *sighs*

Then when you come back, late, you were tired and decided to stupidly let it out on me! Over what you may ask? Over the fact that the table wasnt totally empty. The help went back at 6pm, it was way too early to keep everything just yet. Just in case there are late comers. But NO... You just had to bitch and bitch! That's it! I just...LOST it! I was tired too! So, I let it rip! I told her off about EVERYTHING in my head and heart! She kept quiet.

I have had enough. No more 'raya open houses'! It will just make me hate the people I love. But dont get me wrong, I will still cook, but at my own time, my own house.

Well, that was my Raya. No matter what happened, I am grateful for what I have.

Alhamdulillah....

superwoman

2009-09-16T16:44:00.003+08:00

no...she is not an alien being from another planet that has super powers.

she is just a human being, flesh and bone...

this super woman is a very close and long time friend of mine. i dubbed her this title because of what she went through, what she is going through and about to go through. if strength has a face, it would be hers for sure.

it took all of her to keep it together for so long, while going through the life she is leading. even though many said she should have dumped it all and start over, she didnt because of many important, over looked reasons. she tough it out and gave it another shot. for that, she has my highest respect. because it wasnt easy, at all.

but now, she said "ENOUGH!". and i dont blame her. if she were to stay, it would break her. it would make her hate herself and life. and i really dont want that to happen, she has a beautiful soul with an amiable yet cheeky personality. i really do not know how she manage to be sane still after what had happened. how she is still a loving doting mother even after a mega headache problem just dropped on her.

*sighs*

you deserve so much more. better things... you deserve happiness.

i guess its time my dear friend. its time to HIJRAH. start over, for your kids sake and especially for your sake. its not the end of the world. in fact, you are opening a door to a whole new, and hopefully better world.

please know that no matter what you decide and do, i will be here for you, til eternity.

LOVE U.

the BEST snack ....ever!

2009-09-15T15:39:00.002+08:00

This is by far the best TEMPEYEK i have ever tasted! It is sooooooooooo nice! Its very crunchy, with lots of anchovies and ground nuts.

The one factor that determines whether the TEMPEYEK is delicious or not is the flour used and iwth what spice, and all with the right amount. Not forgetting the quality of the anchovies and good fresh nuts.

It is very addictive! Once you start eating it, you cant stop! You can finish the whole jar without you realising it and you will be wanting more.

Aaah...

its a delicious, heavenly, mouth watering snack!! YUM! :P

ventings of an irritated bitch

2009-09-14T23:00:00.004+08:00

a recent incident happened to a dear friend of mine that provoked me to release this deep frustration inside me.

as soon as there is a sniff of someone is in a very serious, life changing dilemma, people will start to give advise as if they are living that person's life.

what the hell is wrong with these "people"??

1 advise come from a person that just know her and i am still very unclear and suspicious about his presence and intentions in her life. and i think you should not give advise if you are doing what you are doing to your own family! so, fix your own life before trying to advise others.

and the other smarty pants - *sighs*. i know her intentions are good, but hey, you have never been in any financial crisis in your entire life to know how it feels like to eat rotten food because you are dead broke! you are in a life that allows you to live leisurely, and tend to your child. i am happy for you, truly i am, but dont pretend to understand how it feels like to make that hard decision. because you will never understand it unless you have gone through it. for example - kids. i never try to even understand how it feels like to go through preganancy, child birth or even being a mother. because im not one. so i usually tell what my sister or mother did if forced togive an opinion. otherwise, i shut the fuck up. i know my place.

cant people just b a good friend - shut up and let her see inside her heart and let HER decide what is good for her and her family? do u like others giving u "guided and biased advise" on how to run your life??

i am not saying that i know her so well either. even though our life pattern are quite alike and that i know her most of my life, but i dare not claim to know her THAT well. no one does. not even her own mother! because everyone has something they leave for themselves. its called intimate thoughts, and its meant to be inside someone's heart and mind. not for others to probe, dissect and analyse. we all have our own point of view and own way of life and brains to think for ourselves. if we were to make mistakes, hey, at least we have no one to blame but our own self. and if we succeed, we will be proud to have decided it on our own, and the feeling is.....undescribable. i have tasted it, and now am an addict. i shall make my own decisions, good or bad. i will politely listen to others ramble on and try to shove their ideas down my throat.. but no more for me. i am my own person.

look, im not saying that we cant give advise at all. just dont make it biased to how you would do it. instead, give her a few words of encouragement and try to make her look in her heart and mind, and decide for herself. the reason why people sometimes depend on other people's opinion is that they are afraid. afraid of making mistakes and afraid of being ridiculed for it. so, just assure them that no matter what their decisions are, we will be there for them. that is how we all learn to be on our own self, and if God willing, be happy in our skin, and able to stop pretending to be happy!

i know this venting would offend people, but hey, i am the type that speaks my mind. to those who are offended, you have a choice not to be apart of my life. for you , my dear dear, soft hearted friend, its time. time for you to take charge of your life. make up your own mind.

i'l be here for you.....no matter what....always. Love you.

Its time

2009-09-14T11:30:00.006+08:00

When I read her blog, I was all teary and speechless. I wasnt surprised and I have prepared myself for this day, but still it hit me like hurricane Katrina and an earthquake all in 1 .

I was sad of what happened to her and will never keep her away from her family, but...

Logically and professionally, I have listed several back ups that seem sound. But personally, my heart is broken.

These are those rare times that I dont know how to express myself.

No matter how much it hurts me, I will always support her in whatever her decisions may be.

You will forever be not only a mere cousin, you are my best friend and soul sister.

Love you, ya stappit whore!!

My Gang

2009-09-12T22:49:00.007+08:00

~ Friday, 11 September 2009 ~
~ Tony Roma's, Cineleisure Damansara ~
~ 6.30PM ~

Last night was great!

Its been awhile since the gang hung out. I miss them sooo much!

I asked Sita to join as well. The gang also asked for her. I am so happy my friends likes her and make her feel belong. And I am glad Sita enjoyed herself and I hope she now see why Rizal and I love these few best friends of ours. They are a gem!

Other than the gang, Andy and gf as well as Don and gf Tricia was there too.

It was fun..and especially hillarious when Sita and Shaffik sat next to each other!!! Both are like the court jesters!!

The only missing people are Dinesh and Haiza. Miss them.

Shaffik and Q - Hmm, highly disturbing.. :D

The gang surprised me with a birthday cake and sang the song... so sweet!!!

Diane - a very great friend and lil sister. Each time I am with you, I feel loved. And I am extremely grateful to have met you. I hope we will be great friends forever! Thanks for everything beb!

Diane and Q bought me this for my birthday!! I absolutely love it!!!

All and all, the food was great, and accompanied with great friends...sighs. Thanks so much guys!

Especially my lil bro Q, that was suppose to go back to Segamat yesterday, but delayed it to have dinner with us. So sweet of you , dik. Thanks so much!! That was really touching. You are truly a lil brother that I never had and I am lucky to have found you.

And that night i have new profound respect and admiration for a friend of mine - Shaffik. You sure as hell showed those idiots in VADS what they have lost! They are stupid for not appreciating your efforts and passion at work. They way you resign 24 hours and having to pay THEM.... what can I say. That takes a strong firm spine and lots of guts and balls!! You walk the talk. You dont just bitch and bitch.. and within time conform and become the very people that you despise. You take action. And not just any normal-still-in-comfort zone-action, but daring with new challenges, uncharted territories, the uncertainty. Wow! Hats off to you beb! I pray nothing but abundance of happiness and wealth!!

Well, thats my gang! All are strong in their own way. All very colorful and beautiful.

Stay the way you are, gang. Love you all!!

Happy Birthday....

2009-09-12T01:20:00.005+08:00

12091946

This is a very important date for me and those who knew and loved this great man.

Even though 6 years has passed, he is still missed by many. The sense of loss is still very intense.

It felt like just yesterday that I lost you. I have no regrets as I have spent a lot of quality time with you, but nonetheless... I still feel like its not enough. I have so much more to talk, share and give to you. Things that I should, want and need to do for you.

*sighs*

I know many said to me that 'you are in a better place', 'you are no longer in pain' and etc... I know this is selfish of me to want this, but I want you here with me, now.

You are a very big influence in my life. I wouldnt be where I am if not for what you have thought me and shown me by example.

I am extremely proud of him. Many feel the same way, too.

I miss you, terribly. My heart breaks into a million pieces each time I see or hear anything that reminds me of you.

Love you forever .... Dad.

Al - Fatehah

Dream List - Updates

2009-09-11T10:34:00.007+08:00

Here are updates to my dream list.

d.r.e.a.m c.a.r

HUMMER H3

BMW X6

PORSCHE CAYENNE TURBO S

ooohhh....if i have all three...i would soooo cum!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!! :P

d.r.e.a.m h.a.n.d.p.h.o.n.e

NOKIA N97

I sooooooooo want this phone!!! Soon, real soon......u'l be mine, baby!!!

d.r.e.a.m l.a.p.t.o.p

MAC AIR BOOK - HERO

soooo verrry nice!! I LOVE this!! Soon.....grrr!! :p

Ok, that's all for now folks! Will update you more later, if there is more la...

05092009

2009-09-07T14:51:00.004+08:00

These numbers marked my 32nd year..

Yes, I am no chickadee (young girl la!), but I still feel like one! And if I have a choice to go back in time and change anything, I wont. I have no regrets. Even the shitty experiences, because that helps to build my current character.

Its true la what people say, age is just a number. Its how you live your life that's important. Rizal always said no point in being young but you look old, its better to be older but look very young.

I agree 200%!!

This year has been a good year for me. Things are steadily going up and I am as happy as I can be! Yes, it may not be filled with my dream wishes, but what's most important is that I am freakingly happy. Now that is priceless and not available in a departmental store!

I would like to thank those who have stood by me through good and bad times:

Dad
Mum
Rizal
Sita
Alyssa
Diane
Q
Dinesh

Alhamdulillah... I am truly grateful to be blessed with such wonderful people in my life. It may be a few of you but you are the rare gem of people that doesnt judge me and accept all of me, good and bad.

Thank you sooo much, from the bottom of my heart.

My Dream List

2009-09-01T12:01:00.010+08:00

I was telling Sita about what I bought during the weekend. And as we were talking, we got to talk about our dream list (wish list for Sita!).

Here is just some of an immediate Dream List that I would soooo wish to come true.

d.r.e.a.m w.a.r.d.r.o.b.e
I would love the walk in type, with everything well organised and categorised and with lots and lots of mirrors!! Here are just a glimpse of what I have in mind..

d.r.e.a.m k.i.t.c.h.e.n
This is where it all begins for me because I LOVE TO COOK!! And I can cook quite good too! But I am rather fussy when it comes to the condition of where I am cooking. So, this would be where most of my budget would go to. Below are some idea of what I love about a kitchen!

d.r.e.a.m b.e.d.r.o.o.m
Aaaah.....this is where the magic happens! And of course it is extremely crucial for a couple's well being! This is where, I believe, one of the main contributing factors for continuous 'heat' of the marriage...

d.r.e.a.m c.a.r
I know most of you may think that like any other girls, my dream car would be some small sports car. But hey, I am no ordinary common girl. ;D This is my ultimate dream car.... Hummer H3!!

d.r.e.a.m b.r.a.n.d.e.d s.h.o.e.s
Jimmy Choo - enough said.

Last but certainly not least....

d.r.e.a.m b.o.d.y
This is what I aim for. Lets see if my will power is that strong! I am hoping (with tonnes of help of course!!) I will achieve it! If yes, watch out hunn!! :p

Well, that's it.....for now! Will definitely update the list, whenever something pops in my head!

The BEST "Excercise" Ever!!

2009-08-30T23:27:00.012+08:00

This weekend was the best! And it is not even over yet!

F.R.I.D.A.Y.
Rizal surprised me by coming back early from his trip! That was great news for me already. He asked me to wait at Muhibbah restaurant and he will meet me there to berbuka together. Even though he was late - not his fault, he is coming from Kota Baru - when I saw him and that disarming smile, I melted and cant help but smile like I have got a hanger in my mouth!! On top of that he gave me a bouquet of yellow-orange roses!! Oh, they are gorgeous!! Its been awhile since I got flowers from him..but Im not complaining, coz its shame to see such beautiful expensive beauty die just after a few short days. But I gotta admit, it feels damn good to receive 'em!!

S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y
Shopping for shoes!!!!! And at the same time, Rizal is gonna buy my birthday present as well. After a lot of guessing game and persuasion, I found out he was gonna buy me Dior's Poison!! Wow! It is my ultimate favourite perfume!! But I thought hard and told him more than spend a lot on just one thing for my birthday, and since its no surprise anymore, why dont you just give me money to buy what ever I want. He agreed and gave me.....RM500!!!!!!!! COOLNESS!!

So, we went to this warehouse sale of branded items at Parkroyal, it was a real disappointment. Nothing much to choose from and it wasnt much of a bargain. Oh well....then we head for Sg Wang - Shoe Heaven! This is where I found my fuckin sexy Raya shoes! I soooo love this shoes!! Even though its fuckin hard for me to even walk properly without almost falling, I dont care! Rizal agreed and said that I am not going on a marathon with it, just in and out of the car, from one house to another..so....I bought it!!! I dont care if my feet bleed in it...I love it!!

Then we spotted this super cool sandals! I think its cool and Rizal thought its rather kinky in a Spartan kind of way! Hahahah.... And its confortable too! Its proven that it is comfy when i wear it to another shopping day on Sunday!!

Just when we wanted to call it a day, I saw this magnificent, mind blowing, superb hand bag! It was a cool professional executive looking bag, yet its still hip and funky! And the best part is just when I was afraid it will cost a bomb, its only RM139!! Rizal said just take it, and he said this is defintely for your birthday present! After RM20 Parkson discount voucher I only paid RM119! I simply LOVE this bag... (You will see in the picture with the matching heels and sandals below)

S.U.N.D.A.Y
We went to Jalan Masjid India to buy Rizal's sampin. We ended up not only buying a very nice sampin, but a carpet as well!! Its for our dining area, as well as to be our praying area. Hence the carpet is super soft and comfy! We got a pretty good bargain for it! Its not too big but not small either, just nice and its only RM295!! The color is very soothing and calming and with a very nice abstract design. Cool!

Then we went to 1Utama. And for what you may ask? Thats right - more shoe shopping!!! Rizal insist on me buying a slip on sandal and shoes to match my superb executive bag. Hey, who am I to say no to shoe shopping, right? Anyways, I still have balance from my birthday gift money...wat the hell!

And my findings was worth all the pain of walking for almost 10 hours, for 2 consecutive days... First I found THE shoes that matched perfectly with my executive bag, to the tee!! I got it from Vinci, for only...ready now...RM75!!! woooohooo!!

While looking for sandals, we stopped by my fav blouse shop - FYI. They have sale - of coz, so I got my self this bright, colorful yellow blouse! Its RM 79. Nice!

Next, after searching hi and low for that perfect slip on sandal, just when I wanted to tell Rizal to call it a day coz if my feet could talk it would beg and cry for me to stop, but he insisted to go to Parkson in the new wing. Boy oh boy, thank god he decided to go there... The shoes and bags were...OMG! To die for!! Its sooo different from the Parkson in Sg Wang!! And I finally found THE perfect slip on sandals!! Its from Sembonia and it was slightly expensive, RM99. Rizal just said when you see what you love, grab it! And I soooo did!! And the design also matched my superb executive bag!! So now I have 2 shoes to choose to match that bag...

*SIGHS*

I AM IN HEAVEN!!!

This is so far THE BEST birthday present EVER!!!!

LOVE YOU YAYANG!!!!!!!!!

Wasnt Meant To Be..

2009-08-27T10:00:00.005+08:00

Now I can finally say what I was biting my tongue for the past 2 months!

I was offered a GREAT, once in a life time opportunity! It was totally unexpected and I have never even dreamt would happen to me!

One of my ex clients from the market research industry called me a month ago. She was soooo impressed by my work, she offered me a job.

I was floored!

You may think, ya, so what? Another job offer, right? WRONG! There was nothing ordinary about it.

This was what was offered to me:
- The company is in Rome, ITALY
- Head of Outsource Projects - South East Asia
- Five figure salary per MONTH IN EURO!
- I have my own team of high profile executives working for me
- I will be travellling around the world
- Accomodation: A villa - fully paid for by the company
- Transportation: Any car of my choice - fuel fully covered by the company
- Medical: Fully covered + husband and mother and that is inclusive of Dental
- Grooming allowance: EURO1,000 - given every 2 months
- My own company credit card
- They will fully cover all moving fees and issues
- Other small and standard benefits.

Great isnt it?

Even with an extravagant and generous offer like that, it took me a full month to even mention it to anyone. Why? I was afraid.

I was afraid it was all a dream. I was afraid with this great offer, something really horrible would happen after. I was afraid of uprooting myself out of my comfort zone.

But when she called me again, and asked me to rethink it again, I decided to tell Rizal. I also told Sita.

Both of them was gaping with shock and was quite piss that it took me so long to tell them, especially Rizal. I dont blame them, but I got my reasons.

After much discussion with Rizal, he gave me confidence and made me see what a great life changing opportunity this is for me! Before I didnt allow myself to think and hope about this unbelievable offer - but now..... I WANT IT!!

I gave my resume and waited. That was the biggest torture ever! Then an assignment was given to me - to see my work I was given a week to finish it. I had it done within a night! Next step is the big bosses will call me for a phone interview.

There is only 3 people was shorlisted for this position, including myself. And I was the only woman, Asian and the youngest.

The other 2 were very experienced and influencial men in this field. *sigh* I had a very heavy and bad feeling when she told me that. I know my chances of getting this job is freakingly low now!!

Then she dropped the bomb that one the guys dropped out. So its between me and this 50+ year old dude!

OH MY GOD! Now there is a fifty-fifty chances of getting it! I was sooooo excited and scared at the same time!

Then a few days after that, my whole world crashed down on me when she called and told me the bosses have decided to take the other dude! She was soooo furious because they did not even gave me a chance to prove myself via the phone interview!

I was totally crushed!! I cried to Sita. I cried ....hard! This was THE big break, or so I thought! When I saw Rizal, I cried even harder! HE keep saying its their loss! But how come I feel like its mine?!!

After cooling down, I gathered myself up - coz I have to go off for my roadtrip to Sg Petani, Kedah.

*SIGH*

I guess it wasnt meant to be...

Perfect for me...

2009-08-27T09:47:00.004+08:00

How can I fully describe how I feel about the most important person in my life? I am not very good with words, I am afraid I cant convey everything well.

But when I heard this song... oh God! Its perfect.

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

LOVE YOU, YAYANG...

EMO

2009-08-20T18:01:00.003+08:00

I hate this word because it always based on a negative remark!

Well to me its better to be over EMO than be fuckin cold and always act like you have got a stick up your arss!

Yes, I do have EMO-attacks, but I am the type of person that apologises immediately after its being pointed out. But please la give me some time to recover. I am not some bloody robot! I am a human being!

I am not YOU!

We all have our own speed of recovering from our mistake! You keep pointing out that I am EMO, but they way you handle me being EMO, your reaction is ....wel.... OVER! I kept my mouth shut - you think I am sulking! Have you ever thought that I am afraid to say things to you??? Afraid to fuckin hell fuck up again!!

You keep telling me that I expect too much from people - well you too!!

You expect people to do things at your speed!

I get excited to see you, happy and cheerful, and being the chatter box that I am, I express myself pretty plainly, especially to you. The fact that you told me HE might be looking, scared me to death!! Coz there were bitchings that is meant for you only. Dont get me wrong, I appreciate you telling me, but tell me sooner!

*SIGHS*

I am sick and tired of having to deal with this OVER-REACTING thingy again, and again!

At least I admit I am EMO. Please reflect and see if you are what you label me as well.

Dont simply scold and hurt me!!

I tolerated far too many times in the past! Now I need to put it in writing...so i dont keep having chest pains each time you snap and cut me off like this!

You are so far the only person that holds the record for the most number of times for hurting and making me cry my heart out! You'll be the death of me la...

And the sick part is.....I STILL LOVE YOU A LOT!!

....trust....

2009-08-20T12:49:00.004+08:00

This word is so commonly used but not sincerely executed. How sad is that?

For the past couple of months, this word is being tested.

As a result, I got hurt, BAD. And to make it worse, from the person I least expect!

It hurt sooooo much that I couldnt be angry. I was soooo hurt and shocked that tears just rolled down my cheeks, without any sob or sound. Just pure tears from a broken heart.

Why did that have to happen, I have no idea. I thought I was on top of things. I thought I knew better. But alas, I was gravely mistaken.

The only word that can give a glimpse of what I feel is - ANGUISH.

Even though it happened 2 months ago, the pain is like it happened an hour ago. I have surrendered my all, heart, soul and worldly possesions.... And this hit me like a tornado.

You know what you did. You may see how it effected me and may come to some idea of how it hurt me, but trust me, you are no where near of knowing how I truly feel. And I do not wish it on you, for it was any other weakling, they would have been totally broken down to a million pieces and probably go crazy.

I know you feel remorse and is still trying to make amense. And I will accept it, but please do know I do not forget. I still give you 100% of me but now there is a wound in my heart that will never properly heal.

I am yours forever, no matter what.

R . I . P

2009-08-20T10:00:00.003+08:00

Its been so long..... I have forgotten how to do this!

How do I begin? Where do I start? Its especially difficult for me to fully express myself when it comes to extremely painful issues. Hence the reason why I havent blogged for quite awhile. A lot of traumatic incidents have happened in the last 2 months. I just couldnt find the right words to describe my true feelings, and weirdly I am still hoping that it was all a bad dream. That I would soon wake up and all will be well. Thats why I couldnt blog. Because by blogging, I would have to admit that it was all true and the pain will come rushing in, and I wasnt sure if I could take it.

But now, I feel that I can. Now, is the right time. I am ready (I think, I hope!).

Father...

I held on to you when I lost Papa. I held on to you because loosing Papa was too much to bear and I felt lost, alone. It hurts too much! Even after 6 years, I still miss him terribly. I wish he is here to see how well I have become. I wish he is here for me to pamper him, to share my joys and insecurities. But alas, he is not here any longer. I still feel the pain as if it happened only yesterday.

I had wonderful memories with you, Father. Playing mahjong till wee hours of the morning.. listening to you tell stories of your life back then.. *sighs* I am sooo gonna miss that!

Even though you pretty much keep to yourself, you comforted me by just being there. You may not know but your strong presence gave me strength and confidence to go on. And now that you are gone, it will never be the same again.

I have yet lost another father. The pain, the void.... is undescribable.

I will miss you a lot, Father. I am sorry that I did not show my love for you more often or better. But God knows how much I love you.

The only comforting thought is that now you no longer suffer. You are in a much better place.

Love you, Father.

REST IN PEACE

A song that ALL women yearns....

2009-07-09T22:20:00.002+08:00

'FIND ME A MAN' - Toni Braxton

I'm just a girl
That doesn't like the thought of being alone
I need to be loved and held real close
I'm the kind of girl
That needs to be caressed and kissed so soft, yeah
There's no better way to turn me on
I need a man
Who's gonna treat me right
I need a man who'll be with me every night
So I've gotta

Find me a man
With sensitive eyes
One who understands
Love is stronger than pride
So I gotta
Find me a man
A sensitive mind
Not just any man
One of kind

I'm just a girl
That likes a man that knows his right from wrong
One that will keep his loving at home
I'm just the kind of girl
Who likes to please her man the whole night long ooh
But he's gotta please me just as long
I want a man who
Who's gonna treat me right
I need a man who's gonna be with me every night
So I gotta

Find me a man
With sensitive eyes
One who understands
Love is stronger than pride
So I gotta
Find me a man
A sensitive mind
Not just any man
One of a kind

I know I'm looking for, and I know
He's gotta be wonderful, 'cause I know
I am too beautiful, to settle for nothing less, ooh
In know what I'm searching for, yes I know
It's someone incredible, don't you know
That I won't give up until I've found the perfect man
So i gotta

I gotta find me
Gotta find me a guy
So I gotta find me, find me
Find me a man
Not just any man
One of a kind

Deja Vu

2009-07-09T21:33:00.002+08:00

No, its happening again.

The old wound still hurts and now, this.

I am not sure if I can take it again. Even though its been 6 years, its still fresh in my memory as if it was yesterday.

And the sick part is, its due to almost the same cause.

With heavy heart, I proceed these past 2 days as if it does not effect me. Put up a big smile, laugh... but only God and Rizal knows I am worried sick.

Please God! Do not take him yet. I am selfish! I am not ready for him to leave us. Rizal and I still need him. Even though we are not as close as we would want, but he is still a big factor in our life.

May God Bless your soul and protect you always, Father. I love you.

Tired

2009-07-03T15:24:00.003+08:00

I AM TIRED.

I am sick and tired of people act all nice with me yet behind my back they dont think of me as a friend. I am begining to think Rizal's right. I am too idealistic when it comes to relationships.

I am the type if we say we are good friends, I truly believe it and will trust that person a lot. And I will try to help and be there for them as much as I can.

But once too many times I am caught off guard with a big knife at my back! And to make it worse, when confronted, they will never admit it. Liar! Fuckin hypocrite!

I practice what I preach. It saddens me that people always think that I am too domineering and bossy. I am so sorry for having a bloody spine and sticking to what I think is right. At least I have my own opinion than just lying down and letting others walk all over you.

The most heart breaking part is that I always mean well and do my best to accomodate those I care. But why does it always look like I am a selfish demanding bitch?

I seriously dont care what strangers think or do to me. But I cant take it when the people I trust and love are hypocrites and back stabbers.

I dont expect people to praise me all the time and follow my every wish, but at least be honest with me and tell me if anything I do is not to your liking.

And I hate whiners. Especially those who whine and bitch, feeling sorry for themselves and not lift a finger to improve their situation. And later, blames God for every shitty thing that happen to you. WTF? Dont like your life? Well, stop bitching and get off your ass and fuckin hell do something about it!

The people that I trust a lot, betrays me.

I hate people that axes friends that lends a helping hand. I hate people who 'lupa daratan'! Forgets how they got there in the first place. I hate people that forget the hand that helped them get out of the freaking shit hole in the first place.

My late father did warn me about this trait of mine - Idealistic. I expect everyone to give their best, to be honest all the time because thats what I do. And I always have high expectations of others.

I now learn the hard way - through plenty of personal experience - that I cant fully trust anyone but my Dad and myself!

My Dad is not with me anymore.

Miss you Papa. I wish you are here.

I have never felt so hollow in my entire life.

Blast form the past!

2009-07-01T16:10:00.003+08:00

I had a very interesting couple of days.

Weird and nice at the same time.

I never guessed that it would turn out as it did.

14 YEARS!

Wow! That is a long time! And to suddenly get back in touch and ended up in a very juicy situation.... *sighs*

But of course, he cant handle it. Very few can. Just when I have made up my mind, he bailed, rejected me. Be it his reasoning is an acceptable one in the eyes of community, but dammit its not in mine!

Before this I felt good, reminiscing. But now..........

He is a part of my past that did not have closure. And he is stopping me from achieving it! Damn you!

He said its forbidden. Yet I know he wants it, he yearns for it, he longs for it. He cant resist it, therefore he avoid it all together.

The one that got away - thats what this is all about.

No you say? We'll see.......

My Transformation!

2009-06-29T22:32:00.006+08:00

I feel soooo different... I am a new woman!

I know some people react badly or is very sad when someone or an incident hurt them badly.

I too, felt and reacted that way, but only for a little while.

After that, I transformed to a more confident bitch! I feel sexier, friskier, cheekier! In short....GREAT! Go figure!

But I am not the only one that likes this new transformed me, my most beloved person in my life LOVED it! ;p

And it made our relationship greater in every sense of the word! It even reflected in photos!!

Now this truly captures the essence of the saying "In every cloud, there's a silver lining"!

Thank you God for giving me this new found strength! :D

Frisky, Bitchy 'n' Slutty!

2009-06-18T18:42:00.004+08:00

I feel frisky.....

I feel bloody bitchy.....

I feel....................damn slutty!

The incident have woken up the Wild side of me and I LOVE it!

I feel so strong, so powerful...

I am always in a cheeky mood...

I tease mercilessly, like the days when I was in college!

I feel like im 18 again!

So sexy, so EMPOWERED!

Watch out hunn! Get ready! I hope you can handle me!

Roller coaster weekend

2009-06-15T15:33:00.002+08:00

*pheew*

Last weekend was an emotional roller coaster ride!

There were equal parts of ups and downs. Even though the down was heart breaking, excruciatingly painful but by airing it out, it resolved a lot of issues. I wouldnt trade or change anything.

I learned a lot about myself. Not so good stuff. Traits that I vowed not to have or become. *sighs*

Thinking back at what was said, I still cringe and heart still hurt and broken into a gizzillion pieces. I still cant believe that happened. I mean considering my 'unique' lifestyle, I was sure that would never happen. I guess its true, never say never.

I have decided to not dwell on it and move on. And look at it as a lesson learned the hard way.

But how do I trust him again? He broke my ultimate principle and my heart. How do I know whatever he said is exactly what he is feeling or doing?

I put up a brave front after the initial shock and outburst of tears. I want him to see that I am not what he thought I was.

But deep inside, I am still crying. I am still hurt. I am still bleeding.

I cant tell him. Well not in person. I cant tell him what he did was extremely painful and the wound is very deep. And it doesnt help that I am physically in pain due to my hormonal issues. Talk about double mega huge gigantic whammies - "dah jatuh, ditimpa gunung!" (new version!)

I have failed. I am a huge failure. I have failed as a wife and a woman.

But I am not a quitter. I will not give up. I will give my all, even if it means sacrificing my life, I will do it.

I just hope he is patient enough and understand me and would never hurt me, again. Because he vowed not to.

God, please gave us strength and patience to go through this rough patch in our life.

Al-Fatehah..........................AMIN.

The Pain of being in LOVE

2009-06-12T13:03:00.005+08:00

Humans are not a crystal vase that's easily broken. But for us to be broken, that means something or someone must have a big impact on them in order for another human being to feel beaten and helpless.

Especially those strong dominant characters that we see everyday. So sure of themselves, so happy, know what they want, have everything that everyone else wish for...

But behind close doors..........we will never know. All of a sudden, we saw them down, depressed and so.........broken. We are surprised and thought they lead a perfect life. We wish to have their life. We then wonder, what the fuck happened?

What happened up to a point they brokedown?

It takes a lot to fully destroy a strong personality. But most common factor is LOVE.

The things people do in the name of LOVE are sometimes mind boggling.

I thought LOVE was suppose to be unconditional, trusting, dependable and most importantly it wont hurt you.

At first, the pain wasnt so bad. So you let it slide because of love. Then it accumulated and it was so bad that what started out as an slight emotional pain, now is a full blown heart ache and you can physically feel the pain.

Please do know that our loved ones do not intentionally want to hurt us. But it does not help the situation when they dont realise that they are hurting us, and the communication sucks. And on top of that, it looks like only one of us feels that they are the only one that feels there is a problem.

What do you do? That is the golden question that I know many would kill to know.

Well, first things first, you must realise you have choices, always. Even when you feel there isnt, there is. Its just that whether its an easy or hard choice.

Secondly, is your partner worth it? This question you must answer as truthfully as possible because it will determine the path you are going to take.

Once you have decided, then you choose a method to help to solve your problems. And it may take several methods to finally get the right one. So, dont give up.

Next, stick to your mission. Dont sway under outside influences until you reach your objective. Patience and preserverence is the key. Even when you think you have tried it all and still cant see any changes, just keep at it.

End result? If you have achieved what you want, then congratulations. If not, think long and hard on whether you want to keep trying or abort the mission all together.

But remember one most important rule. Any decision you make, is yours and yours alone to make. Just do it and dont look back. And if it doesnt turn out as what you want, do not blame others. Just be proud of yourself that you have given your best, and move on.

Now I know this is a lot easier said than done. Trust me, I know. But if you truly love them, you must give your best to make it work.

This is dedicated to all those love fools out there.

I am not sure why I wrote this. Or maybe I do know....

Alhamdulillah..........Amin.

2009-06-12T12:42:00.002+08:00

Thank you, God Almighty!

Test result was good. All clear.

Except 1 part, which I already suspected. But my doctor was very reassuring.

I am on medication though. Dont like it, but have to considering the circumstances.

During the excruciating waiting period, I realised a lot of things - good, bad and WTF...

Whatever it is, I am grateful that I am basically ok, just needing a tweak here and there. LOL!

Thank you again, Ya Allah.

Al-Fatehah.......Amin.

2 hours to go...

2009-06-11T16:04:00.003+08:00

I got the call.

Unexpectedly, I got the call. I was speechless.

My results are back and the doctor wants to see me to discuss about it. My hands are cold and trembling.

I feel violently sick to my stomach. It doesnt help that I actually do feel extreme pain in my lower abdomen as if all my insides are being yanked out of me, slowly.

I cant go to see the doctor earlier. So, my appointment is at 6.15pm! Its 4.15pm now... 2 hours to go.

2 excruciatingly painful hours, which feels like 2 centuries and time is going by so slow.

The possibilites are killing me!

I know its not going to be good news, but the severity of my condition is whats tearing me up inside!

I feel like shouting as loud as I can and crawl up somewhere and.......................cry.

I have never felt lonelier than now. I am physically and emotionally in a lot of pain.

I thought by talking it out with Sita, would help. It didnt. I am sorry Sita, you did help by being there for me, but I still feel.......................hollow, empty.

Is this a glimpse of what my life would be like? High flying career couple, all successful and rich (hopefully!), everything is planned and organised. One is going around Malaysia, while the other is flying half way around the world??

I am so holding back my tears because I do not like crying in the office. I never like showing my weaknesses in front of others. I am the strong one, the tough leader.

But its rather tiring that I have to be that strong and tough even at home. Because thats what is expected of me. I dont like to disappoint him. I love him too much.

Well, whatever the results are, I have a strange feeling.........lets just say, I have to prepare to go for doctors appointments or treatments on my own.

But I did grow up doing most of the things myself. So, its not so bad right?

............................

I'll be fine, just fine. Im strong right? I have always been and I will always be.

Sempurna

2009-06-11T11:27:00.003+08:00

Alyssa smsed me yesterday and asked for my email add. I asked why and she said to juz wait for her email. Then this morning, when I open it this is what she wrote: "When I heard that song, it reminds me of you and Rizal, all lovey dovey!" It was so sweet and yes, I agree with her. I smiled like an idiot when I heard the lyrics.
"Sempurna" - by Andra & The Backbone

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu
Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu
Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa
Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu Sempurna...
Sempurna...
Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku
Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa
Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu Sempurna...
Sempurna...
Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

This is for you, yayang. You are sempurna, for me. I love you!

P/S: Thanx, Alyssa. ;)

Die from waiting....

2009-06-09T15:01:00.002+08:00

I did it.

I at last went to see a OBGYN.

After almost 5 years!!

Now a lot of what happened and still happening to me makes more sense.

Mood swings, easily agitated, dizziness, trembling hands, nausea, short temperedness and very irregular period.

I went to a very nice doctor in Bangsar. She wasnt judgemental, kind and understanding. She took my blood ( a lot!) and going to make total body test. The minute I walked in her office she already have a strong idea of what I have.

But of course, we have to wait for confirmation from the test results. And that will take up to a week.

A WEEK!! I am so going to suffer! I am soo not good at waiting...

Oh God, give me strength....

Empty shell

2009-06-08T14:02:00.002+08:00

Thats what I feel whenever I think about that painful part of my life.

So far, everything's going well for me. And for that I am extremely grateful. Alhamdulillah.

But I can never shake the feeling that I wont be complete. And if this feeling and predicament doesnt effect anyone, I seriously dont mind. But it does and it will. And to the one I love the most.

This month is a very sensitive month for him. It slipped my mind, and for that I am truly sorry. But it is also rough for me. In fact, it makes me feel worse. Because if I were doing my part well, at least it is able to distract you a bit.

When it comes to this highly sensitive issue, I have no words. And I dont know what to do. You told me to leave you alone, but can you leave me alone if I am in pain?

Please dont shut me out. I already feel left out as it is as I cant share this part of your life by giving you what I know you want and secretly yearn.

Do you know how extremely painful for me to raise this topic to discuss with you? Because each time I talk about it, its me saying outloud and admitting the fact that I failed as a woman and as your wife.

I know nothing is final, but I dont like life catching me by surprise. I always prepare myself for the worse so that I wont breakdown if it happens. But dont worry, I wont die before I am dead. I just like to make plans B and C.

I vow I will do my best to do my part. I just hope you have the patience to be with me through out the entire process. I dont think you can fully understand my situation and how much it is effecting me. But I will give you the benefit of a doubt that you are trying your very best to make me happy.

I would give my life to give you total happiness.

My cute lil fishies

2009-06-02T12:04:00.003+08:00

I have the most cutest little mini aquarium with cute lil pretty fishies!

I am so in love with it!

When I am having a not so good day, or when I am tensed, I will look at my cute fishies and all is well!

Thanks so much sayang! I love it!

Happy Hour!

2009-05-24T14:49:00.002+08:00

Its been so long! I am craving for it!

And at last, I got my fix!

MAHJONG!

I miss playing mahjong with my mother and father in laws! Its a hoot!

But father wasnt well, he has terrible cough and is extremely thin. Gave him products to boost his body back. I do hope he will get better.

Mother is, well, like mother. She is her usual funny loud self. I didnt realise how much I miss them until I passed Ampang on the way to Janda Baik.

Oh ya, Rizal insist on bringing me to this chinese restaurant at Janda Baik. It serves great vege dishes and yummy fish dishes too. Will definitely want to bring Sita and Alice there on the way back to KL from Kuala Terengganu next week. I wonder if they are open for lunch? Hmm... (will find out).

I got to eat mother's fried noodle which I sooo LOVE! Its so simple but so delicious! I miss simple food!

I am so fortunate that I am surrounded and pampered by loved ones; my beloved hubby, mum and parents in law.

Thank you God! :)

Extremely Sad

2009-05-18T21:19:00.003+08:00

I hate that people always misunderstood me.

Every time I try to help and accomodate, I get hurt and painted as the unreasonable, heartless bitch.

I know your whole story! I am the one that tried to move things around your situation. I even said take time off today and tomorow and try to settle those things as much as you can and see if you can still make it. And worse case scenario, I get another to take your place, even though its not a very good decision. And rearrange all work delegated. So that, nothing is left undone. So that everything is still running smoothly. Thats why I asked you to let ME know. I am the one arranging everything, from the roatrips to the runnings of marketing department. I have thought 10 steps ahead.

But what did you do? You pulled a 'Halim'. And the fact that you cant go on the trip and putting your family first is not the reason why I am extremely pist off and disappointed with you. It is that I know your whole situation and I am the one who is giving you choices and a helping hand and you then you turn around and tell me that BEN gave you a SOLUTION. What the hell did I gave you? I gave you choices. The only difference, big difference is that Ben gave you the solution that YOU WANT. You didnt trust me enough to know how to handle my work.

To make it even more painful, if you cant come to me, why cant you be fucking professional like you claim and go tell your immediate boss - Rizal? On top of that, we know you personally. We know your family situation. You could have used that. I hate the fact you dont trust us to make the right decision and help you.

I think Rizal's right. I expect too much from people. So, dont worry. Its my fault. I expected too much of you. My bet.

Sayonara

2009-05-16T13:33:00.005+08:00

Well, what can I say?

I think Rizal said it all beautifully.

All I know is that we have given him a chance to make something for himself and he blew it.

At first I thought this industry is not his cup of tea. But come to think of it, is working hard and striving for the best is not for him? Is working creatively and having free reign to get your work done not for him? And on top of all that, havig 4 cool, out of the box thinking bosses is not good?? And not to mention so much room to move up the corporate ladder.........which I know others would kill to have the opportunity..

*sighs*

I guess you cant help everyone.

The thing is, I have considered him my lil brother. I saw a great potential and wanted to help him to be recognise, even though many told me not to. I thought he was totally misunderstood. I guess i learned the hard way.

I feel so conned. And I am not the only ones. Rizal and my bosses felt that too. They were totally disappointed. For me, he gave up way too soon. I felt he didnt even give his all to make this work for him. And its not that no one helped him. EVERYONE pitched in to help him find his strengths and overcome his weaknesses, everyone except him.

Oh well, your loss. We moved on without a glitch. Alice is doing a fabulous job!

I wish you the best of luck. Please change your 'its everyone else's fault, not mine. I am the victim' attitude. Grow up and face the world like a man. Please use your God given 'equipment' and grow a spine. Because I know women that have more guts than you.

Sayonara, Halim.

My Dear Sweet Friend Alice...

2009-04-28T12:58:00.003+08:00

This is a story about a very very very she small sweet friend of mine - Alice.

She is the epitome of "looks can be deceiving".

She looks so sweet, timid, docile and fragile. But OMG, she is so opposite from that. She is firm in a quiet way, she is LOUD, her laugh is so unlady like and she swears..A LOT!

But she is an extremely nice friend, very funny and trustworthy.

Below are pictures that shows just a tiny fraction of what she is...enjoy! :)

BEFORE:

AFTER:

THE AFTERMATH:

Alice, stay just the way you are. Dont ever change!

At long last...

2009-04-18T22:59:00.004+08:00

At long last.

After 13 years of working, I am finally recognised.

After so long of enduring moronic bosses, doing all their work and I having to bite my tongue when they get all the credit, and not to mention getting a lowsy pay, at last, now my work is noticed and recognised.

I am blessed having to work with smart, open minded bosses that truly values employees that are unique, creative and opinionated. And I am so happy that when they told me that they practice performance based KPI. At first I was skeptical as I have heard that phrased being misused by so many companies before. But I was assured the first 2 months I worked here.

I first joined the company as Business Executive. Then after working my ass off, they promoted me to Senior Marketing Executive. Mind you, I was still under probation. So, it was totally understandable for them to extend it for another month to evaluate me in this new job title and description.

So, when time is up and its time to confirm me, things were quiet. I grew anxious and start to reflect all that I have done. Was it good enough?

Then morning of Friday, 17th April 2009, at Naza Hotel Melaka, while smoking, H casually told me that he has bad news. He said he cant confirm me. I was upset and quickly asked why. He said after much deliberation from the HODs, they have decided that I am not suited to be Senior Marketing Executive, but as Assistant Manager!!

I was speechless!! And I was all teary and smiling like a bloody idiot! Hahahahah!!

Rizal and Sita was there too. Sita was smiling and hugged me and congratulated me. Rizal on the other hand just casually smile and with "I knew already la" look! F* him la! Hahahahahha...

I was so fucken happy, there are no words that could describe it!

It felt so good to hear your bosses proudly call you Assistant Manager for the first time in front of people. I felt so appreciated and proud of my self.

I called my Mum and told her the great news. I thanked her for all of her prayers. She was so happy and proud of me that she cried. She even later, prayed and thanked God for this blessing.

I just wished my Dad was here. I wished he was here to witness me finally being recognised and be someone. I Miss and Love you so much, Dad.

And definitely not forgetting the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend, Rizal. Thank you so much for all your support, advice and guidance. Love you, sayang.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.... Amin.

No! Not again..

2009-04-16T01:01:00.001+08:00

Its back.

Just when I thought I am totally rid of it, its back to haunt and torture my life!

Why does it have to return, just when my life is finally in order and good things are happening!

It is making me so tired! And not too mention the emotional roller coaster ride that I have to endure! If it doesn’t affect others, I really don’t mind. But loved ones are victims of my many moods. When this happens, I feel so drained. I feel like a freak!

Once I had it under control and I was excited. For the first time in many years, I dare to think of little ones running around at home. I thought finally, I would be able to be a true woman – a daughter, a wife and finally….a mother. But now, I am not sure anymore.

Look, I can handle not able to be a mother. In fact I have been psyching myself that for the past five years. *sighs* But I can’t take it when I can’t even be a normal woman! A normal wife!

My biggest fear is that I would loose him. I don’t know how long he is patient. Don’t know how long he wants to be with me. Don’t know how long it would be when he just tolerates me being with him. Don’t know how long he would still love me.

I don’t want to give up…not yet. I know many said I am still young. But they are not in my shoes, living in this body and going through this….’condition’ for years! I am just so tired of it! Sometimes, I just feel like getting rid of it for good and just make the best of the rest of my life. At least I know what I am and I will adapt my life to it. But now…OMG!

I am tired. Dead tired.

God, help me, please…

Never Judge A Book By Its Cover!

2009-04-04T22:27:00.009+08:00

I do not know how to begin to tell the story of this extremely courageous family.

My work is to help people. Help them get better in health as well as financially, if they want to. In my many years in this line, I have seen many types of people. So, just when I thought I can hardly be surprised, I was totally caught off guard by this absolutely awesome family.

We call them "Amri's family". This is due to a very special, beautiful angel - Amri. He is an 11 year old handsome boy that unfortunately suffers severe Cerebal Palsy. It is a disorder that disabled the child of any independant movement. It induces frequent fits due to high fever and it effects his brain - especially his motor skills and speech part of the brain. His gums are all swollen and bloody at times. Therefore, he is in constant pain. He cries most of the time. And he need someone with him always. It breaks my heart to see him like that, because he is so precious!

Rizal, Sita and I had very small expectations that our products - Ruicao, is able to help him due to the severity of his illness. But we gave his mother, 3 trial packs anyway.

But to our delight, Amri responded well. His fever reduced a lot, he can sit for 2 hours and is not in pain!! His mother cried and when we first heard of the news, the 3 of us had tears in our eyes. Especially Sita. As she have seen him personally. But now we worry, how can the family afford it?

Pakcik Said, Amri's father cant work because he has extremely bad respiratory problems because he suffered TB before. Makcik Timah, Amri's mother, is the sole bread winner of the family. She is working part time as an assistant cook in a restaurant. And this lovely couple has 12 kids!! OMG, rite? But they survived just fine and in fact they are happy and very close knitted.

When Amri got better, they at first asked our help to supply the products for free, as they cant afford to buy it monthly for him. But I had a very long talk with them and made them realise that the best help from the company is help them be rid of financial difficulties for good and earn money continuously.

Fortunate for the couple, they have very smart and hard working daughters that has natural business talents. After educating them of the basic know-hows of MLM, and motivational talks, they decided to go all out!

They bought 2 stockist which is worth RM6k+!! Part of it came from their family savings, money from one of the daughters to buy a motorbike (which she collected for quite awhile!) and the rest came from sales of the products.

They are fast learner with great determination to succeed. They sold 6 boxes within 3 hours!! And thats just the beginning! And it seems they have unconciously found a very effective method; 1 daughter takes care of the paperwork and finances, another daughter takes care of the stock taking, the father will ride around town on his bike and talk to people about Ruicao and what has it done for the family and when he gets interested party, the mother will go and close the sale. Isnt that ingenious?!

This incredible family is the talk of the town and among all our members. They are true example that never judge a book by its covers and with will and determination, you can do and be successful in anything!

May God bless and protect them always.... Amin.

Earth Hour

2009-04-04T21:52:00.003+08:00

It was the coolest event ever!

I was in Renaissance Hotel, Kota Baru with Sita when it happened (for work of course!). I thought that they wont be participating. But I was totally surprised when they really put a lot of thouhgt into it.

Renaissance didnt just switched off their small lights, they turned off everything! They even cut off the electricity in all rooms. And in the lobby, all was off! They lit up small candles and place them everywhere! It was so beautiful! Of course they doubled up security. So there were quite a number of men with flashlights! Heheheh.. I was totally touched and awed! Well done Renaissance KB!

In fact most part of KB parrticipated! It was fabulous! The view from my room was breathtaking! I was so proud of Malaysia! Sita and I even took pictures in the dark! Silly huh but hey, thats just us wackos!

(fyi: this is the shadow of sita's mouth!

Rizal's at home, and is in total darkness! Good job baby! Love you!

Next year, lets try to make the whole of Malaysia to do it again. :)

Touch Me...Touch Me! :P

2009-03-21T12:51:00.004+08:00

OMG! I cant believe it! I never thought I would own it!

I now own my very own iPod Touch screen!

My beloved hubby bought it for me! He said he loves to make me happy and to see the look on my face when he surprises me with presents. I never demand for these type of things bcoz I think its more of a luxury than necessity. But he said I deserve it. I was teary eyed when he said that. And just thinking about it..... *sighs*.. Thank you , my love.

At first I wasnt able to enjoy my gift straight away because, you see, this is a second hand iPod. That part I really dont mind. I get it cheaper and its still very new - virtually unused. But it doesnt come with a wall charger, just USB cable in order for me to not only charge via PC, but to transfer and organise my iPod. But I always like to have back up of using the socket charger. And anyway, I need to charge it because its battery is less than 10%.

Then I noticed that its not charging when I used the USB cable. So I thought that since my laptop is kinda old, it cannot charge my ipod. So , I went to Digital Mall to buy the socket charger. But that seem not to work as well. By this time, I was worried that the problem was the iPod battery itself. And that would cost a bomb to have it fixed! But before the iPod battery totally KO, I was able to fiddle around with it. So, I know its working but confused that the fact it cant charge.

So, after a few days of frustration, I got to know that there was an Apple store at 1Utama. So, off I went there with Halim and met the tech support. In just a few minutes, he was able to identify the problems that dumbfounded me for few days! Well, he is the expert! D'uh! Hehehheheh...

He said the problem wasnt the iPod battery but the USB cable was faulty. Then I asked why is it that I cant charge using the socket charger that I bought at Digital Mall? After he tested it, he said that the charger was faulty as well. I wasnt happy at all. But it soothes me that the iPod was still under warranty and they will replace the USB cable for free. But it takes up to 5 working days.

Damn it! And I was thinking of using the iPod during my trip to the East Coast next week. I requested that they put a note there that I would like to pick up the cable before my trip. They will try but unable to promise. Fine! I'll just go to Digital Mall straight away and replace the faulty charger. So, off I and Halim go to PJ. We had to double park coz as usual Sec 14 was packed.

When I told the sales guys there what happen, they claim that my iPod was faulty, just because they tested on their store ipod and theirs works! Go figure la! But I stood firm on the fact that my iPod was just fine and verified by Apple tech support! *sighs*

After testing ALL their socket chargers, they tested using the USB adapter charger. Finally that works! But I have to top up more to buy the USB cable coz the adapter doesnt come with it. WTF?? I told them why would I want to buy a cable when my own cable would be replaced by Apple for FREE?! They understood but they start to babble about the extra cost and what not all... OH DEAR GOD!!

I was tired and frustrated and told the guys just return my money back and I will just wait for my freaking cable from Apple. Then, they decided to give me the adapter with the cable for no extra money. I guess they pitied me laa.. OH THANK GOD! (The socket charger was rm58 and the USB adapter charger with usb cable was rm99! Pretty good deal huh? :D)

So, thats what happen. Now, I finally get to fully enjoy my new iPod!

Thank you for those patient souls that helped me like Halim and the sales guys at Digital Mall, but especially for my sayang, for being extra patient with my short tempred nature and impatience! I love you!!

Search Your Soul

2009-03-19T10:28:00.005+08:00

Meniti Titian Usang

Kertas putih salju
Ku coretkan kedukaanku
Hitam dan kelabu
Adalah warna dalam hidupku

Kejutkanlah aku kawan
Aku sedang bermimpi
Kejutkanlah aku
Yang sengsara dalam mimpi

Gementar kakiku
Meniti titian usang
Berdegup jantungku
Apakah dapat ku ke seberang

Sambutlah tanganku kawan
Aku takut tenggelam
Sambutlah tanganku kawan
Jurangnya sangat dalam

Jurangnya sangat mengerikan
Ramai yang telah kecundang

Dia sedang menunggu
Untuk memimpimku
Di seberang sana
Adanya cahaya

When ever I hear this song, I will always be reminded of our mortality.

The lyrics are beautiful, so deep and meaningful.

Its telling a story of a lost soul that is sufferring in hell. How he seek help from anyone and everyone. How he is looking for the light, the right path...

It also tells us that God always wait for us to repent and will always want to help guide us back to the right path.

*sighs*

This song makes me repent and I feel sad when I remember my own flesh and blood. I always pray that she repent and come back to us.

Please God, I pray that you will always love, bless and protect me and my loved ones.

Insya Allah....Amin.

SO COOOOL!

2009-03-18T18:47:00.003+08:00

Its here! Its finally here!

Its soo beautiful, comfy and just simply cool! Its different from my usual colors. I dont wanna be only a all black chick! After almost 4 years, this is a f* good upgrade. And I got it for a very fair price!

Thanx sooo much sayang! Its perfect!

Alhamdullillah.......Amin.

Akward emptiness

2009-03-15T20:08:00.003+08:00

*BEFORE*

*AFTER*

Its done. Its gone. Halim have taken them.

When I look at my living room, I felt this akward feeling of emptiness. I know, I know. Its just sofas! :p

But, after almost 4 years with us, its got lots of history. It was our first furnitures that we bought together. Its been with us through good times and bad times.

I know I am gonna get new, bigger and beautiful sofa, but I am gonna miss my old ones. Miss the creaky sounds, the holes it got from Diane due to ciggarette ash... And of course other 'memories' that are...heheheh....very memorable. *sighs*

I know its ridiculous , but I am comforted that its with a nice new owner that I know will take good care of it. :D

Sawaddikaaa...

2009-03-14T23:14:00.003+08:00

YES!

It's on! It's finally confirmed! I am going to celebrate my 6th anniversary on 13th July at..... BANGKOK!! We are going on the 11th til the 14th. Aaah... 4 days and 3 nights of sheer shopping heaven! :D (And lots n lotsa 'action' as well, if you get what I mean! Hahhahahah!)

We went to MATTA Fair at PWTC this afternoon. There's sooo many people there! Not to mention there is soo many packages to choose from soo many agencies! But finally we decided to go with PYO Travel. It was a great deal.

I am soo happy and excited! Now is the sucky part - waiting for 3 bloody months! *sighs*

Oh, well. Looking on the bright side, I have 3 months to save up as much money as possible to shop til I drop in Bangkok! YEY!!

Jangan jeles, people!! ;p

My 'virgin' experience!

2009-03-08T10:36:00.010+08:00

It was my first time.

At first, I was reluctant and lazy to go through it. I am not a morning person!! But after coercion from my loved ones, I succumb. OMG! I am so happy they insisted on me joining them!

I just had my first SUNRISE! Wow! It was the best!

No words is able to do justice of how beautiful it was and how I feel at that time! So, I hope these pictures can give you some idea of how I feel and how gorgeous it was!

Isnt it just simply beautiful??

Even with these excellent photos can never replace the actual picture of this magnificent sunrise. At that moment, everything in this world seem to stop and enjoying this with me. Its as if all the problems of the world seem petty and non existence. Its as if, all that matters is love for one another.

I have never felt so....thankful, content, deliriously happy yet humbled and at awe with God's 'skills' all at the same time! I also felt a tad bit sad as I miss my parents and wished they were here to share this wonderful moment with me. Maybe I can share with Mummy, in the future, but Dad... *sighs*. I miss you Dad, a lot!

My entire experience is complete and made me very happy is that I was able to share it with my best friend, soul sister - Sita and most importantly my bestest friend, soul mate, lover and hubby - Rizal. Love you guys!!

I wouldnt trade this experience for any amount of millions in this world!

Crap!

2009-03-03T11:58:00.010+08:00

I FEEL LIKE CRAP!

I hate getting sick! I feel so drugged, blur and sleepy all the time! Not to mention, feel all so sluggish and useless.

My head feels heavy and pounding like mad! My nose is always running and my throat hurts a lot whenever I sneeze!

I especially dedicate this to Rizal and Sita. Thanks a lot, people! You literally made my day! ;p

And to top it all off, I am travelling tomorow to the east coast, for 6 DAYS!!

But considering the severity of this strain of flu (according to the Dr), I am recovering pretty fast! Thanx to the power of Ginseng!

I hope its fast enough!

Yummy Sin!

2009-03-01T20:47:00.003+08:00

OMG! OMG! OMG!

My darling just ame back from his Johor roadtrip. I was waiting for him in anticipation the whole day today! Miss him so much!

Then, when he step in through the door, I was running to him to give him a big hug, when I saw what he ahs in his hand. The ultimate fruit of all, the King, the one and only - DURIAN!!!

I LOVE IT!! He bought 2 huge ones! I was ecstatic!

After cooking his dinner, he opened my 'dinner'! We sat on the floor facing it and there was no turning back!

OMG! It was like having heaven in your mouth! So creamy and sweet and.....yuuummmm!!

Thanks sooo much my love!! You're the best, even before you give me the Durian!! :D

Beautiful Lie

2009-03-01T15:35:00.007+08:00

Sometimes I wonder what kind of sick joke has The Big Guy upstairs have played on me?

I say this because my own blood can have the heart to do that to our most beloved! What has this world turn to when you cant even trust one of your own??

My heart broke into a million pieces when I hear her anguish cry over the phone. All I can do at that time was shut my eyes, take a deep breath and lend her my ears to let her let it all out. Inside, I wish I am rich so that I could take her out of this predicament. She may not be perfect, but she have went through a lot and she is alone, all she have is me, and....... that.... I dont know what to call that woman, because there's a lot of words that come to mind, like moron, stupid-proud (bodoh-sombong), narrow minded, selfish, ungrateful fckr!

Why is that bitch doing this? Doesnt she know our beloved may not be with us that long anymore? After loosing one, I cant even picture the day I loose another without shedding a tear. I hope d B* would realise before its too late. At that time, even if she is crying blood, it wont matter a damn bit.

I may not care what happen to you, but if anything were to happen to you, your kids are my kids, always have been and always will.

Hey B*! You are living in this life filled with lies. In the eyes of everyone, you are good, kind and caring. But, they dont know the real you. You are living a beautiful lie. But that will never last long. You will get what is coming for you, sooner or later, you will get it. Because God is fair.

Hope God Almighty have mercy on your soul.... coz I dont. Thats it, no more. I give up. As far I am concerned, you no longer exist in my life. You are just someone I know. I dont F*care about you anymore. No more pain, no more...YOU.

Me, Myself and I...

2009-02-27T21:59:00.004+08:00

I dont know how to describe how I feel the whole day today.

It all started after lunch at the office. I was alone at the marketing department. Halim went to Pontian and Mersing with Rizal, Alice went to Batu Pahat with Ben and John and Sita is out sick at home - virul fever.

I was left with H til about 4.30pm. It was weird. It was quiet, peaceful and slightly empty. I miss my crazy whackos! But I did get to finish quite a number of work. Maybe because I was more focused, less distractions. ;p

6.30pm - I rushed out of the office to go fix my car's air conditioner. Aru was so nice to wait for me. Thanks Aru! Glad that's done!

Then I bought my 'dinner' - coco crunch and milk, both low fat and healthy, not to mention yummy! After that I was 'adventure-ing' with Flickr. Still struggling a bit, I admit. But, I'll get it!

I am suppose to do ironing tonight.....hm....., yeah, i'l do it later. Dont worry! I'l get all your shirts ironed, baby!

Tomorow getting the house cleaned! I am preparing the house for my long trip to the east coast next week because Rizal will be at home and dont want the house to be too messy!

Anyhoooo, as usual, when night falls, I soooo feel Rizal's absence. I miss him. Miss him sooo much! But at the same time, i kinda like the time alone, to just gather my thoughts, able to be quiet for awhile (yes! I can be quiet!) and have some quality time with me. Time to think stuff that before this I dont have the right time to do. Not that I dont like company, but sometimes you must have time out from society to reflect, analyse and appreciate what has happened to you and what you have done.

But, I know the minute I am in bed, I will so miss you being beside me.

Cant wait to see you on Sunday, baby.

Roller Coaster Ride...

2009-02-26T00:21:00.007+08:00

Where do I begin?

Great moments:

Found heaven on earth! It was breath taking! It was so beautiful that it brought me to tears! I am sooo retiring here. I have never felt so peaceful in my entire life. It may not be the perfect place for some people, but it is for me. It made me more driven to work my ass off, just so that I can own that piece of paradise and finally get to rest. I do pray to God, I achieve this goal of mine. Insya Allah...

Words could not describe how happy I was in this picture. I was in a very beautiful, serene place with the ones I love!

Not so great moments:

After getting all hyped up and energised from the trip to my lil heaven, I was jolted back to Earth when my car broke down. It was bad. And if persist on driving, it might have cost us our lives!But thank God! We managed to stop just at the right time. Thank you God, for loving us so much and protecting us.

Not forgetting those who ae Angels on Earth: Ah Yee, Yee Cheong and the mechanics.

Thank you.

Think... think...think...

2009-02-16T20:04:00.005+08:00

16th February 2009.

Think... think....think.

Got lots to think about.

I seriously do not know how best to express how I feel right now.

I was really hoping I would get what I worked my ass for. But alas...

I guess I just didnt expect it to be this way.

I think its my fault. I expect to much from people. And the results is I constantly get disappointed.

I am not sure what exactly I feel. But one thing for sure, I know I am extremely sad and disppointed to the max!

My hands and lips was shaking due to the anticipation.

And when I got the news, my eyes were watery.

The weird part is they potray it as not a bad news.

*sighs*

I dont know how to react to that. I thought I did well. I guess not.

Calm down... take a deep breath.... you've been through worse.

Then why does this hurt more?

Miss u, My Angels!

2009-02-16T00:13:00.004+08:00

I didnt realise how much i missed you guys until i saw u!

Looking at all of you make my heart ache because even though you are my flesh and blood, i feel i am restricted to show my full love and attention to you, fearing my own blood would feel......jealous! Stupid, i know....but....its true.

Each time i see all of you, I remember the times when you were small and so cute. All of you grow up in front of me. And especially for Aishah and Dijah, i help raise you. I bathe you, sing you to sleep, hold you when you are sad, laugh and play with you... God! I miss those times!

i hope and pray to God that you are happy and no harm befalls you. I always feel helpless and wish i can do more.

But today, i am so proud of my girls - Aishah, Dijah and Sarah. You all have grown up into such matured young ladies. But I am not sure if that is all together a good thing. Kids should never grow up too soon. You should be allowed to be kids - play, have fun and not worry of worldly stuff, so soon in your young life.

*sighs*

But you girls are matured due to cicumstances forces you too. Coz if not, you can just break down and... I dare not think what will happen. And I will always pray that day will never come.

All of you have no idea how much I love you!

I am willing to trade my life for all of you without a second hesitation!

I do hope you know that Daddy and I are here for you, always, for anything at all.

Love you guys sooooooooooo much!!!

Clockwise: Siti Khadijah, Feirish Nor, Siti Sarah and Siti Aishah.

HEAVEN AND HELL

M.I.A.

Beijing - Part 4

Beijing - Part 3

Beijing - Part 2

Beijing - Part 1

yeah yeah....I AM BACK!

My Playbook

its time

BFF

the unexpected

high as a kite!

M.I.A.

Waka Waka

my big big big secret

new stuff

missing

NOV 2010

surprises in life

b a r e l y f l o a t i n g

me

Your Lead RoleAdvisor

Your Supporting RoleWeaver

gambling galore

words

crazzzzzy cool bosses

saman pak, saman.....

Andrenalin pumping cumsss!!!

sayonara 2009.... ola 2010!

ultimate andrenalin rush!

i dont care

breath of fresh air

f u c k o f f

self realisation

i turn to u

zzzzz

a familiar feeling...

broken heart

e n o u g h

i am a L I O N E S S

I am what I am

R E V E L A T I O N

The Ultimate Ride

M A B U H A I

aaarrgghhh

I am a B I T C H

broken heart

doubts

shoe freak!

trembles

Ni How Ma...

Raya - The Good & The Ugly

superwoman

the BEST snack ....ever!

ventings of an irritated bitch

Its time

My Gang

Happy Birthday....

Dream List - Updates

05092009

My Dream List

The BEST "Excercise" Ever!!

Wasnt Meant To Be..

Perfect for me...

EMO

....trust....

R . I . P

A song that ALL women yearns....

Deja Vu

Tired

Blast form the past!

My Transformation!

Frisky, Bitchy 'n' Slutty!

Roller coaster weekend

The Pain of being in LOVE

Alhamdulillah..........Amin.

2 hours to go...

Sempurna

Die from waiting....

Empty shell

Your Lead Role
Advisor

Your Supporting Role
Weaver